Stark Realizations
by AstraGalactic
Summary: When Loki falls to Earth he has every intention of conquering it, but as a cat he is taken in by Tony Stark, and as he watches him struggle through life in the face of certain death, the Trickster starts to think twice about what he had on Asgard.
1. Chapter 1

A/N. First, I know I should be updating "Heart of the Storm". It's coming, I promise.

Just, I was watching Ironman2 the other day, and thought that Tony Stark would actually be a good influence on Loki -with his daddy issues and all, so this plot bunny was born and would not shut up.

For the sake of this fic, I am assuming that Thor takes place about concurrently with Ironman1, so Loki falls to Earth shortly after the end of that movie.

Alto, credit for Loki's cat form goes to MavericFlame's "Nine Lives".

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Loki did not know how long he fell through the void, but he did know when he crashed into Midgard, and it took almost all his resources, magical and otherwise to survive the impact.

Ugh – it had to be Midgard of all places. Just as well, actually, Loki felt he would take great pleasure in subjugating Thor's favorite home-away-from-home. Perhaps even better, he'd get Thor's attention and manage to do away with him in the process.

But for his plan to work, Loki knew he'd have to remain unknown until he regained his full powers, and too drained to cloak himself from Heimdall's watchful eyes, he instead called upon his innate ability to shapeshift. Moments later a sleek black cat with emerald eyes trotted stiffly out of the crater.

Three days later, he found himself miserable hungry and wet on a beach in a place called Malibu California, looking for fish since the thought of eating the vermin that his cat form instinctively identified as a food source was unacceptable.

So when a dark haired man jogged up to him and stopped by his side, looking for a collar and asking where his home was, Loki fought back the impulse to scratch and hiss, and instead attempted to look as miserable as possible – not a hard task given his state.

As he hoped the Midgardian scooped him up, assuring him that he would be taken care of.

Loki could not hold back a surprised hiss when he was pulled inside the man's jacket and came face to face with a blue light shining from the man's chest, but it was warm and for the moment, Loki found the awkward situation to be an acceptable price.

Two days later, while dining on sashimi and steak, Loki decided that he had for once been lucky, and when in front of him, his Midgardian host – Tony Stark - opened the contents of his entire database, Loki felt more than lucky, since this knowledge would prove most useful in his conquest of Midgard. Yes, this was the perfect place to lay low till he could bring his plans of conquest and revenge to frutition.

Nonetheless, Loki was not inclined to let himself be petted as if he were some domesticated animal – especially not by mere mortals, and he enjoyed immensely hissing at and clawing anyone who tried.

Pepper Potts quickly got the hint and kept her hands off him. Tony Stark, on the other hand, would joke that he was in the "look but do not touch" category – and then try again not long after.

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	2. Chapter 2

A.N: Set shortly after the end of Ironman 1.

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Loki watches from his perch on the back of the couch as a semi-drunk Tony Stark turns on the flat-screen TV on the wall then sits and pours another glass of scotch.

Tony reaches out a hand to pet him, but Loki hisses and takes a few steps away before sitting down again just as regally as before.

He does not feel guilty when Stark mutters a dejected "figures" and just as dejectedly tells JARVIS to start the documentary, because cat-form or no, Loki can only feel scorn for this mortal who is trying to drown his sorrow in alcohol instead of actively seeking revenge on whoever was responsible.

Confusion takes over as Loki realizes that the sights and sounds are a chronological series of news clips and footage from various functions, and all feature a much happier Tony with an older man named Obadiah Stane standing by his side with all the warmth, support, and paternal pride a father could have. Loki knows Stane is not Stark's father, but from the clips which start with a young Tony, it seems Stane was the closest thing to a father the man had – an adoptive father, in effect, and Loki feels an overwhelming wave of envy rise up.

He never thought he could envy a mortal – never thought that a mortal would have something he did not, and that it would hurt so much, but in this moment, watching another have the fatherly admiration and support he's wanted all his life burns inside him, and he feels a visceral urge to claw Tony's eyes out.

Glancing at the mortal, Loki sees that there unshed tears in Stark's eyes, and he's clutching the glass so tight it might shatter. The thought causes a purr to bubble up in Loki's chest, but Stark does not notice. He only angrily throws the last of the scotch down his throat and glares at the screen, every fiber in his body screaming hurt and bitterness.

Loki turns back to the screen remarking bitterly:

"How pathetic. You had decades with a person who loved you as a father should…. and you're moping because he grew old and died? You should be grateful you had that much – not everyone is that lucky." Of course being a cat it only comes out as a long hiss – which again the mortal misses.

If he stares at the screen long enough, Loki can almost pretend that he is the one receiving Stane's fatherly affection – and that Stark does not exist, so when the bottle of scotch crashes into the screen hard enough to shatter both into a shower of glass and sparks, Loki cannot help but jolt to his feet in shock and try to understand exactly what happened to effect the change in the mortal's mood. The last images were of Stane and Stark at a ceremony for something called an Apogee award, and Stane's expression in the photos was as warm and fatherly as ever – right up until a bottle went flying in his smiling face and the screen shattered.

Now Loki is curious. He loved to pull people's strings and make them react – but here he had done nothing and gotten quite a reaction from the Midgardian. Now he has to know why. Since there were no answers to be found from the documentary, he pads closer to Tony who is sitting forward, body tense with anger and pain.

Suddenly hands are around his chest lifting him from his feet, and Loki unsheathes his claws to deliver a set of scratches to the mortal. Such impudence! Hadn't Loki made it abundantly clear he did not like to be handled?

He freezes mid-swing as Stark regards him with surprising focus for a man several sheets to the wind, and says in a voice rough with emotion:

"He was the closest thing to a father I had – much more of a father than my real one…. When I needed encouragement, someone to believe in me, he was there for me – up until the day he hired terrorists to kill me."

Loki's envy wilts at this new revelation, and perhaps his shock shows even on the cat form, because Tony pulles him a little closer, sandwiching his head against the arc-reactor, one hand making idle circles in his black fur, while he goes on:

"It was not the end of it… I escaped after three months in hell…. came home where he welcomed me with open arms. Turns out he only wanted the arc-reactor, and when he couldn't make his own based on my design, he ripped this one out of my chest and left me to die…"

Loki can hear the mortal's heart hammering in remembered pain and horror, then it calms to a normal rate, and Stark continues, his voice more weary than anything:

"Wasn't the last time he tried to kill me either…. what hurts most in the end is that all these years every emotion he showed me was a lie…. all I ever was to him was his goddamn golden goose….."

Stark falls silent after that last revelation and leans back on the couch, and despite all the envy and scorn he had felt earlier, Loki lets himself follow the man, the thrum of the arc-reactor in the mortal's chest oddly comforting after what he had just learned.

Long minutes later, Tony breaks the silence again, voice bitter and tired but not as hurt:

"Ironic really, in the end I killed him – well, Pepper did actually, but it was my plan….. Still does not take the pain away."

Not long after, Tony's breathing evens out, and he sinks into an exhausted slumber, but Loki finds himself curiously unwilling to leave the mortal's side. While licking his fur back into order, he reflects wryly that he had to update his assessment of Pepper…. yet as the lights in the shop dim, Loki finds himself staring into the glowing blue orb that keeps the man before him from death – and for the first time he realizes that for all his grudges against his own adoptive father Odin, if he had to choose – which thankfully he does not - he'd take the distant and sometimes severe Odin over the warm encouraging and back-stabbing Stane any day.

For the first time he finds himself wondering if revenge on his own family will do anything to make him feel better.

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	3. Chapter 3

A.N: Set after the end of Ironman 1, and before the beginning of Ironman 2

Thanks for reviewing to: hisui86, anikasaotome, gabbs, and Golden feathers Edward!

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A few days later, Loki is sitting on Stark's living room sofa and finds that though he likes the view from up here better, with Stark down in his shop and his PA gone for the day, boredom is inescapable. So naturally Loki remedies the problem by setting out on an exploration of the mortal's house.

Eventually he hops up to the bar and curiously takes a whiff at the closed top of a bottle he had seen Stark serve himself from - and recoils. This is what passes as drink on Midgard? – Ugh. At second sniff, he admits that at least Stark has better taste than some others, as he distinctly recollects from his homeless days on Midgard, passing some thoroughly drunk mortals whose drink reeked of rancid hay – or that was the best description he could give of it anyhow.

Suddenly is scooped up and set on the floor. Looking up with a glare, he finds none other than Tony Stark bending over him, and the mortal actually has the nerve to chide him: "Bad Kitty."

He is not sure which word stings more, but he finds himself determined to prove to this Midgardian that he does not get to make rules for him.

Loki spends the night outside in the grasses waiting for a mouse unfortunate enough to cross his path. He winds up killing two.

Next day, Stark and Potts are absent most of the day on business, but when they come home, the moment he had been waiting for unfolds as Potts settles herself with her laptop on the couch, and Stark pours himself a drink.

It is more fun than Loki has had in a long time when he drops the two mice on Pepper's lap, and she leaves a blood-curdling scream that brings Stark running to her side. While Stark is distracted with trying to calm his PA, and dispose of the grisly trophies without having to touch them, Loki grabs his chance to hop up on the bar and lap up scotch from Stark's untouched glass. It actually does not taste bad, and before he realizes it, the glass is empty. In the distance he can hear Stark and Potts arguing, and then the front door opens and closes again – likely Potts leaving to get clean clothes.

Filled with the satisfaction of a prank well played, Loki does not hear Stark re-enter the room, but he does hear an already-stressed Stark exclaim angrily: "Bad Cat!", and before Loki can react, Stark's hands grab him around the chest much rougher than ever before, lifting him to eye level.

Loki hisses, but Stark is on a roll, and he continues to chide him:

"You stupid stupid cat! What will it take for you to learn?"

He expected Stark to be angry – wanted him to be angry, but now that he has the reaction he wanted, all Loki can think of is the time when he and Thor were children, and had broken into the weapons vault to get a better look at the relics. Odin had caught them, and given them long angry lectures on proper behavior – but even then, Loki had been mature enough to notice that Odin had been harsher with him.

Though Stark looks and acts nothing like Odin, though he is only a puny mortal, in his cat form, Stark still dwarfs him – and all Loki can see as he glares back at the Midgardian is Odin's disapproval.

He cannot lash out at Odin now – not with the Allfather safe in Asgard – but he can settle for a substitute, and he reaches out, sinking his claws into Tony's wrist, leaving bloody marks in his wake.

Suddenly the world lurches sickeningly and Loki thinks the Midgardian has dropped him, but when his vision clears, he sees Tony still holding him – still angry, but there is also fear- concern actually - in the mortal's expression.

It is not until the world starts spinning, and ripping pains start shooting though his stomach that Loki realizes that his prank has backfired, and he closes his eyes trying to make the pounding in his head stop.

Suddenly he is moving again, and he wonders in a detached sort of a way if Stark is going to throw him out to die – at least this one he did bring on himself…. when he realizes is being held close, cradled against Tony's chest, and he can hear Tony talking – pleading actually - with JARVIS to immediately contact the best Vet in the city.

Loki does not know what a vet is, and most of the conversation that follows is in words that make no sense or are drowned out by the pounding in his head. Despite that, he can hear the raw pain and desperation in Tony's voice, and as he slips into the darkness, he realizes that despite utterly failing to accomplish any of his plans for this realm – he at least found someone who actually cares for him, and that small blessing is oddly comforting.

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	4. Chapter 4

A.N: Set after the end of Ironman 1, and before the beginning of Ironman 2

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When Loki comes to, his stomach still is sore, but it is a muted ache, and his head is no longer pounding. He looks around and realizes he is on Stark's… Tony's lap, and his head is resting in one of the mortal's hands. He feels like he should move, but he is still so tired, and Tony is warm.

Looking up, he meet's Tony's eyes, and sees in them a strange combination of fondness, worry, and profound relief. Now he understands the mortal's anger. It had never stemmed from the desire to control, as Loki had thought… Tony had been upset because he was afraid for him – because he cared for him… and for the first time, as he drifts back into an exhausted sleep, Loki wonders if that day in the weapons vault, Odin had been so angry at him because he was afraid for him – afraid that Loki would accidentally discover his Jotun heritage. For the first time he wonders if then, at least, Odin had actually cared for him.

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	5. Chapter 5

A.N: Set after the end of Ironman 1, and before the beginning of Ironman 2

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A week after almost accidentally killing himself, Loki finds himself down in Stark's shop with him – apparently the mortal has decided that his cat is safer where he can keep an eye on him –and he is sitting contentedly watching idly as Tony uses one of his computer terminals to view surveillance logs from the past days.

Loki does not know what his mortal is looking for – but he does know what he can find on that computer, and when Tony finally goes to work on his armor, he quietly pads over to the computer and sifts through the recorded surveillance video. He knows which date he is looking for - the day the Stark industries Arc reactor went up in flames was well recorded in news – and Loki guesses that this was the day Stane had tried to kill Stark.

When he finds the recording, Loki wishes that he had not. The speakers are turned down to a low volume – too low for a mortal to hear from the other side of the room – but in his cat form Loki can hear everything – every word that Stane speaks, dripping with sickly sweet admiration for Tony's unparalleled genius while he's ripping out his life, every breathless anguished gasp that might have been a scream of pain and sheer horror if Tony was not too paralyzed to even scream.

Loki finds that he admires Tony for finding the strength to glare at Stane instead of succumbing to the horror and simply shutting down. He admires the accusation and anger in Tony's gaze overpowering the hurt and betrayal – but he can also see the horror and anguish, both mental and physical, in the mortal's eyes; he can hear it in each terrible strangled gasp. And with each grimace of pain he sees seep into Tony's mostly paralyzed features, Loki feels his heart – the heart he thought had frozen into nothingness – break a little more.

In the recording, Stane packs away the arc-reactor, still yammering on in his paternal concerned drawl, and then departs, leaving the dying Tony with a final sentence:

"Too bad you had to involve Pepper in this, I would have preferred that she live."

In that moment, Loki knows that he hates Stane more than anything in the nine realms. It would have been one thing if Stane had just killed Tony – but that was not enough for the bastard. Instead Stane paralyzed Tony and then calmly, methodically extracted the life from his defenseless form… he drawled on about the magnificence of Tony's creation while letting shrapnel rip apart his heart… and in the end when he had what he wanted, and Tony was dying, Stane just had to twist the knife and dig it deeper by promising to kill the woman Tony loved.

As Stane walks out of the frame with a truly sickening grin on his face, the air is rent by a sound akin to metal ripping, and it is only when Loki feels hands close around his chest and lift him that Loki realizes the sound was him – hissing with every ounce of rage and hurt in his little body.

He is brought into Stark's arms, and can feel the subtle flinch as Tony looks at the screen and realizes what is on it. That is the only reaction the mortal shows, but when he turns the screen off without wasting a moment, Loki knows exactly how deep the trauma runs, and he realizes that he actually admires Tony Stark – a Midgardian. He admires him for finding the physical and emotional strength to survive that assault, for his unparalleled genius, for being able to keep his sanity and his purpose despite all that he has suffered through.

And when Tony sits down muttering "You sure know how to pick 'em.", and sets Loki on his lap, running hands through his fur in an effort to calm the tense cat, Loki does not pull away as he normally would. Instead he places his front paws on Tony's chest, finding solace in the warmth and the steady strong heartbeat that remind him that Tony's still alive.

Tony says nothing more, and after a while he goes back to his work. This does not surprise Loki who knows that all Tony wants, most likely, is to put that awful memory firmly in his past, but he is surprised by the realization that he no longer thinks of Tony Stark by his surname. Loki knows he has become fond of this fragile mortal, and he hopes he will never, in the course of conquering Midgard, have to hurt him.

Loki finds himself oddly content to watch Tony upgrading his armor – machinery that is as much a work of art as an embodiment of incredible power, but the image of Stane's smiling face lit by the arc reactor he had just ripped from Tony's chest keeps invading his thoughts, and for the first time, Loki realizes that there are worse things he could have been than a Frost Giant.

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	6. Chapter 6

A/N: 1) Embarrasingly, I just realized for the first time today that it actually is possible to reply to reviews, so I'm going to start doing so, using the private reply where possible. Sorry to everyone that I did not reply to before, I was not, in fact, trying to be a first class prick.

Thanks for reviewing to Diane and Rialaea!

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging

2) Since there is no reply link for you, Diane (not complaining, btw - computers are usually as glitchy as Stark's Dum-E, without any of that bot's cuteness and chirrups to go with it.), I'll just say it here: Thanks a million for really making my day!, and for letting me know I'm on some sort of right track. I'd say more but I'm new to this and I don't want to violate any ... anythings, so I hope I have not done that already.

I'll try to keep Tony and Loki in character (and by that I don't mean for example Tony's public personna, I mean the real Tony) as we go along, so if I mess up, please let me know :-)

3) Finally, the next chapters are going to get more dark and angsty as we're starting to move into the Ironman 2 timeline and the Palladium is going to become a problem.

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Four months have passed since Loki entered Tony's life and home, and he finds the experience comforting. He is still without most of his magic, but he does not mind much. At least in the present, he is at peace.

The peace shatters when Tony walks into his shop, hands clutched to his chest and breathlessly asks JARVIS to run diagnostics on his Arc-reactor.

Loki does not know what is wrong, but each word Tony says as he describes his symptoms to the computer terrifies Loki a little more:

"…nausea, dizziness, a constant ache in my chest… and sometimes I have these shooting pains that radiate out from the socket.."

As Tony lies down on a lab table and one of the robotic arms starts a scan, Loki leaps up by his side and lies down, pressed against Tony's side – offering what little comfort he can.

It is then that he smells it, the bitter metallic scent of the palladium cartridges that Tony periodically has to put into his arc-reactor…. except this scent is coming from Tony's body – it's in his blood… and Loki feels something deep inside of him shatter as he realizes that the Palladium that fuels the reactor which is keeping Tony alive is slowly poisoning him.

JARVIS speaks, breaking the silence: "Analyzing data, diagnostic will be complete in three hours." and at that, Tony sits up. Before he can go anywhere, Loki steps onto his lap, burying his face against Tony's chest, but even the heartbeat that once comforted him cannot ease the despair he feels, because now it has become a countdown.

Loki knows Tony will look for an alternative to Palladium once the results come back. He also knows that no element on Midgard exists that will be suitable, and no matter what, Tony will die.

Loki used to laugh at irony, but though there is plenty of irony in Tony's situation, all he can feel is an unbearable ache deep inside him – and for the first time, he wishes that the ever truthful computer would lie, because the truth will only cause Tony more pain.

Three hours – three hours until the truth is found and Tony knows he is doomed to a slow painful death…. three hours till Tony gets to watch his hopes and dreams crash and burn.

As he stares listlessly at the clock, for the first time, Loki realizes that love can make a person hide the truth – even one of this magnitude –because he knows that if it was his decision, he would.

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	7. Chapter 7

A/N:

1) I apologize if Tony is OOC in this chapter - I cannot decide whether or not he is, but I feel I'm pushing the limits of what Tony Stark might actually do. On the other hand, it does not seem likely that he would leave his cat un-named when he has named everyone else in his life (and in some cases re-named them), and I cannot think of any other name appropriate so this is where we wind up. Don't worry, I am actually not going to routinely push the limits of believability for characters, so if this is a big fail, it at least will not be intentionaly repeated.

2) I mean no offense to anyone's culture or beliefs or whatever else, I'm just sayin - some words in other languages sound really bad in english, and just beg for some sort of wisecrack.

3) To those not in the know, guano is bat-doo, or sea-bird-doo depending on what location you're in.

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JARVIS had given Tony a life expectancy of three weeks, or optimistically eight weeks if he consumed enough of a chlorophyll-antioxidant blend that JARVIS had designed, and stayed in otherwise good health, so Loki finds himself extremely concerned when three days after the terrible revelation – to which Tony's reaction was inscrutable, even to him – Tony sits down with a bottle of scotch, the consumption of which clearly is not conductive to health.

It is his turn to be chiding Tony out of concern, but in his cat form, all it comes out as is an aggravated meow, and though he gets Tony's attention, it is clearly not enough to make Tony reconsider his drink.

He is about to give up, but looking at Tony, he can see the emotional and physical weariness dragging the mortal down, like invisible chains pulling him under the surface of dark waters – and Loki decides that an intervention is necessary.

Deciding that his best course of action is a trick, he jumps up to Tony's side and sniffs at the filled glass. As expected, Tony puts the glass – and the bottle - on the coffee table and tries to scoop Loki up, gently chiding:

"Uh-uh, none of that now."

But it is the move Loki had been expecting and he twists out of the mortal's reach, pouncing onto the coffee table and sending both bottle and glass crashing to the floor before jumping onto Tony's lap.

Of the two possible reactions, Tony opts for amusement instead of anger, and he cups Loki's face between his palms, chuckling as he said:

"You're a born trickster, huh…"

Loki padded closer, purring with satisfaction as Tony continued: "… and the world's smartest cat…. I think you need a name."

At that last statement, Loki's purr dies abruptly in the face of the possibility that he might get stuck with a moniker like sour-patch, though he feels somewhat appeased when Tony cradles him closer and regards him seriously saying: "I gotta say though, it's hard to find one that fits."

JARVIS chimes in: "Would you like me to compile a list of common male cat names, sir?"

Tony shakes his head, still looking Loki in the eye very seriously, and replies, addressing his computer:

"There is nothing ordinary about this cat…Ah, how about something unusual then…. JARVIS, what are some mythological names of male personifications of mischief?"

Seconds later, JARVIS rattles off a list

"Puk, Set, Gauna, Loki, Hermes, Tengu…"

To Loki's relief, Tony balks at the first three, exclaiming in mock horror: "Puke, set, and guano – oh, what were they thinking?", then he smiles slightly and turns back to Loki saying:

"How does Loki sound?"

Loki is so shocked that Tony had actually nailed his name that he cracks up laughing hysterically, and being a cat, it comes out as a loud purr. Taking this as a sign of approval, Tony said:

"Then it's settled, Loki."

At that moment, Pepper walks in, and deadpans: "Loki? You named a cat after some mythological figure? Nobody does that." – and Loki finds himself laughing – purring really – again as Tony's only response is a wide grin that clearly says _'all the more reason for me to do it then'._

As he watches Tony smiling, despite the terrible truth that hangs overhead like a dark cloud, Loki realizes for the first time that the chance to bring even a fleeting happiness to another is one of life's greater gifts.

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	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry for the wait!

1) Set in the beginning of Ironman 2 right after the Senate hearing

2) Thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: 4StarkObsessed, KiwisS, Diane, Golden feathers Edward, h, and cara-tanaka.

I'll reply via PM to those of you I can, and to those I cannot, I'll just say here, thank you all for all the encouragement!

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging

3) Once again, Diane, thanks a million for all your support, the very in-depth reviews, as well as doing a great job explaining what I'm thinking (or should be thinking) better than I can possibly do it. Your insights about Tony and Loki are very very helpful.

4) We will see occasionally Loki's predispositions and past sometimes get in the way of the bonds he is forming and how he deals with that, so I hope nobody's dissapointed (I think it is an issue he would have to face).

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When Tony returns from his mandatory meeting with some kind of ruling class – apparently governments are equally irritating in all realms - , Loki is waiting impatiently for him, and leaps up to Tony's desk when Tony sits down.

It no longer bothers him when Tony reaches out and scoops him up, placing him on his lap, and saying affectionately as he runs his hands through Loki's fur, meeting his emerald gaze openly:

"You missed me, Loki?... I missed you too."

Loki cannot speak, so instead he opts for rubbing his cheek-glands against Tony's hands, marking the mortal as his own, yet he stills as he notices that the bitter scent of the palladium in Tony's blood has gotten stronger, and though he has come to see the mortal as his own, it cannot save Tony from a certain death.

Then Tony claps his hands, calling out to the air:

"Wake up, Daddy's home."

In answer, the house comes to life, and JARVIS returns Tony's greeting, though Loki does not pay much attention to what the computer is saying since he's too busy with the sudden realization that Tony's use of the term daddy in referring to himself might not in fact be simply a figure of speech. JARVIS's level of sentience clearly surpasses the state of the art for artificial intelligence on Midgard – and Loki knows no-one better than Tony Stark to take such a giant leap into the future.

Any doubts he may have had as to the identity of Jarvis's creator vanish as the computer says: "… and may I say how refreshing it is to finally see you in a video with your clothing on, sir." - only Tony could have possible imbued a computer with that kind of humor.

Tony laughs in response to what his computer – his son in every way that matters - says, and it is a sound Loki wishes he could hear more often, knowing that in a short while it will never be heard again. He sinks dejectedly lower as Jarvis goes on, ever truthfully:

"Blood toxicity, twenty-four percent. It appears that the continued use of the ironman suit is accelerating your condition….Another core has been depleted."

The computer's next words are no surprise to Loki who already knew this outcome would be inevitable – yet it does nothing to lessen the pain of the blow:

"I have run simulations on every known element, and none can serve as a viable replacement for the palladium core…."

Not for the first time Loki wishes that JARVIS could lie – lie and say that he has not finished trying possibilities, because at least then Tony would be able to hold onto hope – the belief that they will find something that can save him. Now even that flicker of a possibility is gone, and despite Tony's apparent stoicism, when Loki looks up to see the mortal's unguarded expression, the resigned sorrow in it is palpable.

This silent repressed grief and resignation to his fate actually hurts deeper than any other reaction Tony could have had, and Loki finds himself unable to watch, so instead he turns to the screen, only to find himself face to face with a reflection of Tony's chest – now marred by black lines of poison seeping under his skin. Somehow this makes everything more real, and desperate to escape the devastation he feels creeping into his own chest, Loki leaps to the floor and runs away.

He dimly registers the rest of the conversation between Tony and JARVIS, but when Tony says "Mute", effectively stopping JARVIS – his son – mid sentence, Loki feels old resentment well up within him. With his sudden re-evaluation of Tony as an actual father, Loki cannot help but be reminded of the many times Odin and for that matter Thor had brushed off his advice, and the flash of anger and burning bitterness that fills his heart makes him forget momentarily about everything else. He had never fit in – never belonged on Asgard – any more than a computer did among humans, and Loki finds himself wondering if Tony is actually any better than the so-called family he left behind.

More analogies are drawn as Pepper accuses Tony of egoism, and as of to prove her point, he hangs up on the wall a framed poster of Ironman. This time the analogies are with his not-brother, and the resentment only burns fiercer within Loki, yet the flames are suddenly extinguished when an exasperated Tony exclaims:

"Pepper, you're not listening to me, I'm trying to make you CEO! Why won't you let me?"

As a shocked Pepper manages to ask: "Have you been drinking?", Loki finds himself wishing that it was only that – just some drunken fantasy, instead of the bitter reality that Tony was dying - and passing his company to the only person who he could trust to not betray his wishes.

Unsurprisingly, Tony does not tell Pepper his reasons, and perhaps she is so shocked she cannot see what to Loki are clear signs of a dying man putting his affairs in order – or perhaps she is used to her boss doing things than no-one could have ever reasonably expected. Whatever the reason, Loki knows as he listens to Tony's words that he is evading giving a reason for his decision, protecting Pepper from having to suffer the bitter truth with him – and he can no-longer feel resentment towards Tony for silencing JARVIS earlier.

For the first time in ages, guilt washes over Loki – guilt for being so quick to condemn Tony, for letting his predispositions and incomplete knowledge mar his understanding, and as he thinks back to Pepper's words, he realizes that he is not the only one who has made that mistake.

Loki knows that Tony might seem arrogant where his superhero persona is concerned, but he realizes now that the mortal has spent most of his life making decisions and taking actions that now haunt him – and this dramatic change of profession at the end is in truth all he has left to be proud of, the only legacy he is leaving behind that he actually wants to be remembered by.

Loki had at first agreed with Pepper in her assessment of Tony's motivations for the Expo – not for showing off his inventions since the projects in the Expo were actually not Stark-tech – but for showing off his financial power in funding it. Now he realizes that the expo is Tony's last effort to better the world – a last push ahead to those who will remain behind and shape the future because he will not be among them…. and suddenly the meaning of the opening speech that Tony had prepared for the Expo becomes painfully clear - "…It's about legacy… it's about what we choose to leave behind for future generations…".

Even then Tony had known that he would find no replacement for Palladium to save him, and in light of this realization. Loki feels the last of his resentment melt away and be replaced with a hollow ache in his chest.

After Pepper leaves, Loki watches listlessly from a corner as Tony packs away the machinery, transforming his shop into living quarters of sorts, and those seemingly innocent actions speak more strongly than perhaps anything else of the fact that Tony has given up hope, and he is resigned to his death.

As he lets himself drift off into sleep where he can forget the bitterness of reality, Loki realizes that without the truth which as a cat he is privy too, he would be as wrong about Tony as Pepper is, perhaps worse, he would be as wrong about Tony as the world is –and for the first time Loki wonders if he has ever misjudged others the same way.

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	9. Chapter 9

A/N:

This is set after Tony makes Pepper CEO, but before they go to Monaco.

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This is definitely one of Tony's bad days, muses Loki. The bad days were those on which the Palladium toxicity in Tony's blood would spike, courtesy of stress - or a need to adjust yet again his chlorophyll intake – and until the problem was brought under control Tony would be assaulted by waves of extreme weakness, nausea, dizziness, and most recently vomiting, in addition to the constant throbbing ache in his chest.

So when JARVIS calls Tony's attention to the reports of new violence that has broken out in the Middle-East, Loki hopes for the infinitesimal possibility that for once Tony will put his own health and safety first and leave this matter in the hands of others.

JARVIS says as much, voicing more concern than a machine should be able to feel, when he recommends that Tony not answer the call, given his physical state – and the fact that use of his suit accelerates the palladium poisoning, but Tony's attention is mainly turned to the images on his screens, and he finally says – in a voice more pained and guilt-ridden than Loki has ever heard before - "JARVIS, analyze the explosions – are those my weapons?"

When after what for the computer is an eternity, JARVIS finally replies "It appears so", Loki knows that now there is nothing that will stop Tony from flying out to stop the bloodshed.

Loki can only watch with a strange sense of awe as Tony changes into his black undersuit, the sheer determination burning within the mortal combating the pain and weariness that fills his every move, somehow pushing him past his ever-lessening physical limits – and ice ripples down Loki's spine as an old resentment in him bubbles up, because though Tony looks and acts nothing like Thor – the all-encompassing fierce determination that burns in Tony's gaze is something he has seen too many times in his not-brother, and though Thor had fought for his own realm and king, and Tony claims no allegiance to any ruler – this warrior's fire is the same.

This time, Loki forces the resentment back, reminding himself that the analogy does not work – for Thor is an Aesir, almost invincible – unlike Tony a fragile mortal, whose life is slipping through his fingers, even as he places himself between harm and those who need his protection.

As Tony steps onto the platform and the robotic arms start encasing him in the red and gold armor that protects him from without by killing him from within, Loki feels the ache in his own chest grow, and when he sees Tony reach up, letting the metal be assembled onto his arms, Loki acts on instinct and jumps up, latching with his claws onto the inner armor that is about to be fitted over the arc-reactor – hoping belatedly that Tony's robotic assembly platform is as sensitive to weight changes as it is precise, otherwise he will end up as a cat-pancake.

Luckily, Tony builds his machinery well, and the arm holding the chest-armor plus Loki oscillates a couple times in the digital equivalent of confusion before the entire process grinds to a halt.

Tony sighs – not particularly surprised by his cat's behavior - and says in a tone that is weary and pleading:

"I know – JARVIS agrees with you – but I have to do this – so please get out of my prosthetics."

Loki is not sure what to say in response – if he could: 'no, I'm afraid you will get blown out of the sky if you fight in your state' 'no, you're killing yourself doing this' and for once the limits of his cat-form make things simpler as he twists to look at Tony and lets out a mournful meow.

Tony sighs again, closing his eyes, but when he opens them, the burning determination is back, and he says to Loki in a tone that is firm yet still kind as he gestures toward his armored arms that are still held within the robotic assembly:

"Loki, I'm going, so don't make me take all this off to get you down from there."

Loki knows that these are not idle words, and this time he likely has to accept defeat – yet despite his utter failure at getting the outcome he wants, he cannot find it in himself to be angry, so he only looks at Tony, trying to decide whether the extra minutes he can buy by hanging on and voicing his protests are worth anything in the end, when Tony adds in a tone that is warm with humor:

"Come on, that is Pepper's job, not yours."

At those words, something inside Loki snaps, and all the resentment he had fought back earlier wells up inside. He knows that Tony is joking, and given the mortal's trademark humor this is simply affectionate, but with the earlier comparisons fresh in his mind, all Loki can hear is his not-brother's voice, ringing out in the icy wasteland of Jotunheim "Know your place, brother." – and he turns and hisses at Tony before leaping back to the floor while he thinks bitterly: "Fine, go. See if I care.".

Loki sulks away, pretending he does not see the hurt that is written upon Tony's features before the metal of his suit covers them, and he blasts up through the impromptu launch-tunnel in his ceiling.

Eighteen hours later, Loki is pacing relentlessly in Tony's shop, worry and guilt gnawing at him. His hurt and anger have evaporated in the face of the haunting possibility that perhaps Tony has not returned because he did get killed on this mission – and Loki finds that he cannot bear the thought that his last interaction with Tony might be the one memory Tony took to the grave.

No words can describe his joy when minutes later, he hears a familiar whine from repulsors and JARVIS starts to open the platform – yet as the robotic arms strip of the battered armor from Tony's equally battered body, Loki fights back the impulse to run over and greet the mortal as perhaps he should, telling himself that he will only be in the way – and pointedly ignoring the small part of him that knows his reluctance stems from his unwillingness to admit he was wrong.

Loki sighs as he sees Tony stagger away from the platform, bleeding from a small cut on his head and a larger one on his left shoulder, keeping as much weight as possible from his left ankle which is sprained at best – and pressing his right forearm to ribs that are very possibly cracked. Yet despite the fact that Tony should be getting his injuries cared for, he carefully kneels, scooping Loki into his arms and ignoring the half-hearted squirm from the cat.

As Tony sinks onto his couch, fighting the physical pain of his injuries, Loki feels a brief urge to walk away – but it ebbs as quickly as it had come because despite the bitter metal he can smell stronger then ever in the mortal's blood, despite his own feelings earlier, the warmth of Tony's body is comforting – a reminder that for now, the mortal is still living, still breathing…. and as he settles down on Tony's lap, the memories of icy wastelands start to melt away.

Realizing that Tony is still awake – instead of passed-out from exhaustion as he rightly should be –Loki looks up at him, bringing the mortal's attention back to the present by rubbing his cheek on Tony's open palm, and he knows he has succeeded when Tony leans back, pulling Loki up against his chest, rubbing circles in his fur with one thumb as he says quietly:

"I destroyed all the weapons I could find…. but innocent people still died…."

Unshed tears shine in the mortal's eyes as he goes on, staring into the distance at images only he can see:

"They say that if you save one life, you have saved the world… it isn't true…. because no matter how hard I try I can never save everyone…."

After what feels like an eternity, Tony speaks again, this time meeting Loki's gaze:

"Either way, being able to care for you – knowing that at least I can make a difference for you helps…. so thank you."

Loki cannot find words to respond to that – even if he could speak – so he simply rests his head against the arc-reactor and listens to Tony's heartbeat as the mortal sinks into an exhausted sleep.

JARVIS takes the liberty of calling Pepper to help with Tony's injuries, and Loki steps out of the way as she starts what has likely become routine for her: patching up Tony while chiding him on putting himself in danger in the first place – but this time, there is a new complaint added to her list: that instead of calling her and taking care of his injuries as well as possible in the meantime, he 'cuddled' with his cat.

Loki tends to agree with her wish that Tony would take his health more seriously, but he remembers only too clearly the broken admission that the mortal had made while holding him, and he knows that more than anything in that moment, Tony had needed someone to love and nurture. Perhaps because only that could ease the emotional burden weighing upon him.

As Tony stumbles through an explanation of how he did not want a lonely looking Loki to feel abandoned – for the first time, Loki finds himself wondering if on that cold day in Jotunheim when Odin took him in – it was not motivated by political gain as much as by the simple need of a man scarred by the horrors of war to find some peace in the act of nurturing another life.

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	10. Chapter 10

A/N:

1) Takes place right after the incident in Monaco, let's assume Tony took Loki with him to Europe, but Loki (naturally) stayed in the hotel room.

2)Thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, diane, Lexicon, Believe Bridesmaid, KiwisS, and Kafzielakai.

I'll reply via PM to those of you I can, and to those I cannot, I'll just say here, thank you all for all the encouragement and feedback!

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) Diane, thanks a million - again - for the very in-depth reviews, which always get me thinking - both about my fic, and human nature, which is something we can always learn about.

On a totally different note, while Loki's presence helps Tony, I don't think it is enough to change much when things really start going bad for Tony (starting in this chapter), because the incidents that occur just seem to have driven things to a kind of breaking point, and past that an emotional collapse of sorts seems to me inevitable.

4) Things are hectic right now, but I'll post again ASAP.

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Loki is not there to see what happened, but he is there when Tony returns to his hotel room tired and injured – again – yet what unsettles him more than the injuries attained on what was supposed to be a safe vacation is the general aura of weariness and loss that hangs over the mortal like a dark cloud. It is strange to Loki – and therefore worrisome - because Tony has long since stopped showing any real reaction to his impending death, determined to at least make the most of the life left to him. Somehow whatever happened this day has changed everything, and it is only after they are all back on Tony's private plane that Loki starts being able to understand what has happened.

The news replay the incident on the racetrack enough times that Loki has every detail memorized – yet his heart still stutters when he watches Tony – unarmed and completely vulnerable without his armor – take on an opponent whose weapons cut effortlessly through solid steel. Fear and admiration war for dominance within him, and he chooses not to reflect on the flicker of an analogy that occurs to him momentarily as he watches Tony go up against an opponent he can never defeat – and cannot help but remember his not-brother walking up to the Destroyer. The realization that he no longer feels satisfaction connected to that memory scares Loki more than he likes to admit and he pushes the though away.

The tides turn when Tony places the portable armor over his arc-reactor, and feeding from the power-source, the metal expands out to cover his body. Now this encounter is a fight – not a futile attempt to sell his life for the highest price, and the fierce determination that sets Tony's bloodied features in stone reminds Loki again of Thor – yet for some reason the analogy does not bother him as much this time.

Any satisfaction he feels as he watches Tony's victory withers and dies as he sees Tony study what has to be another arc-reactor before crushing it in his armored hand – and with that image comes a reminder of what Tony's arc-reactor is doing to him. All Loki can think of is the haunting question: How much time did this fight cost him?

The news footage covers Tony – now patched up and dressed in civilian clothes en-route to the prison – and then after he leaves it…. and though Tony's features are as inscrutable as ever, one look into his eyes tells Loki that something happened in that cell – and Loki hates the fact that he likely will never know what it was.

When Tony manages to fill the on-board kitchen with enough smoke to choke both of them, Loki decided this is not an experiment he wants to experience, and he pads back to the sitting room, hopping up on a seat across the hallway from Pepper who looks weary and desperate – and who has her attention firmly fixed on the viewscreen.

It takes Loki under a minute to decide that he might just hate this Stern more than anyone else alive – not only because Tony is dying and he does not need this – not only because Pepper seems stressed to the breaking point and does not need this either – not only because Stern reminds him of nothing more than a shark closing in to feed on a person who is already injured – but because Stern reeks of more hypocrisy than anyone else Loki has ever known – even himself, the lie-smith – and he can only feel a visceral hate gnawing at him as he glares at the figure on screen.

It is different from the reaction he had long ago when he watched Stane rip the arc-reactor from Tony's chest and leave him to die. Then his hate had been fueled by pain and a fierce protective rage and he'd wanted nothing more than to rip Stane apart with his bare hands – er, claws. This time there is no protective rage – perhaps because by now he has accepted the bitter reality that he cannot actually protect Tony. This time the hate he feels is fueled by disgust and an achy sense of desolation deep within him, so instead of a visceral reaction, Loki sits quietly, entertaining the idea of making Stern into his first ice-sculpture on Midgard when his powers return….. and he vaguely wonders why at the moment, his plans for this realm end with icing this pathetic excuse for a mortal.

Loki's thoughts are ripped away as he sees the expression written on Tony's face as he quietly enters and listens for a while to Stern's platitudes before saying what might be becoming a favorite command: "Mute."

When Tony sits down, facing Pepper, suddenly the carefree mask is back in place, but Loki knows that it is only that, a mask - or perhaps more accurately a dam, starting to crack from the strain of all the burdens built up behind it…. and he can only think of how defeated and vulnerable Tony looked just moments earlier.

Vulnerable…. yes, now Loki realizes what has changed. He has always seen Tony as fragile, because as a mortal, he is fragile, and Loki has never expected him to be anything but. He has seen Tony return from missions injured before – sometimes severely so, but the reality of this physical price was only known to a very small group of people that Tony knew he could trust.

To the world, he was always the man that no-one could touch - invulnerable beneath the armor he created, unable to be ever taken by surprise, and impervious to any emotional attack by virtue of the sheer air of indifference he exuded. To the world, Tony Stark was a god among men – up until today when for the first time they saw him be taken by surprise, saw his armor shredded by an enemy, and the irrevocable reality of his mortality without that armor…. and though Loki knows that nothing new has happened, to the world everything has changed: Tony Stark is no longer a god. That revelation has opened the floodgates, inviting every enemy he ever has had to come at him and drag his name – his legacy he has sacrificed so much to create – through the dirt…. and Tony knows this too well.

Loki knows that is not the end of it – not the only thing that happened today. Something happened in that prison that shook Tony to the core and true-to-form, Tony will never talk about it. But obsessing over it will get him nothing, so Loki turns his attention back to the present, feeling something warm within him when he sees a touched – and confused - Pepper ask in reference to the end-result of Tony's efforts in the kitchen:

"Did you just make that?"

His response is causal – too casual for such a vast deviation from his usual behavior, and this time Pepper picks up on it, asking in a voice that cracks a little:

"Tony, what are you not telling me?"

In his mind, Loki answers the question: "That he loves you – and that he is dying, and there is nothing anyone can do about it" – yet he's not surprised when Tony does not answer the question, instead opting for a deflection that is still the truth, and Loki wonders if he is the only one that hears the desperation and loss that seeps through the cracks of Tony's façade:

"I don't want to go home – at all…."

Those words only confuse Pepper more, and Loki can already see that this will not end well, yet for all that he wishes Tony would just tell her the truth and spare himself the rejection that is sure to come, he also knows that this revelation will only bring about a new kind of pain…. and for the first time he cannot decide which of the two costs is greater.

Inevitability does not stop his heart from breaking a little more when Tony goes on: "Let's go to Venice, Cipriani…. it's a great place to… to…", and Loki cannot help but mentally fill in the truth that Tony will likely never say: "great place to die." Instead the mortal finishes with "be healthy…" and it is not surprising that the suggestion is shot down again.

Tony makes a last effort to win a battle he knows is lost – perhaps always was:

"I'm just saying – to recharge our batteries, and…figure it all out.", and Loki knows that finally the dam has cracked under the strain placed on it when Tony looks down and away from Pepper, desperately trying to keep the cracks from showing and to hold back the flood.

Deep down inside, Loki feels a bittersweet hope that Pepper will glimpse the gravity of the situation, and at least grant Tony this last wish, yet the hope is crushed when Pepper answers softly: "Not everybody runs on batteries, Tony." – and in the brief broken half-smile that Tony returns, there is nothing left but loneliness and resignation.

It comes as no surprise when not long after, Tony leaves saying he has to design some upgrades for his portable armor, and in the silence that ensues, Loki finds himself staring at Pepper, baffled by the fact that despite the obvious fact that she cares for Tony, despite the fact that she is a smart, capable woman – perhaps the only other human being alive who can actually keep up with the creative chaos that Tony Stark normally generates – she has failed utterly to notice Tony crumbling a little more each day, failed to understand any of the so-obvious signs that Tony is preparing for his death….. and Loki just cannot understand how it is possible.

The fact that it is possible – even at this scale – makes Loki wonder for the first time if even at least one of the people in his life who managed to never give him what he needed, be it affection, respect, or even just acceptance – failed because like Pepper, they simply did not perceive the need – not out of choice.

Finally he decides it just does not matter – not now that Tony needs someone - and pushing aside mixed feelings and bitter memories, Loki jumps to the floor and runs in search of the onboard lab.

When Loki finds Tony, the mortal is sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, eyes closed, and despite the mangled armor spread out on the floor before him, despite the digital notepad by his side with new specifications for the armor, Loki knows that Tony will never repair this armor, never implement the upgrades his ever-active mind has already created…. not because of the obvious reason – that Tony will not get the chance to use this armor again in his life – but rather because the events of this day have taken away from Tony the last flicker of hope in him – not the hope of surviving which had died a long time ago – but the once-attainable hope of making the best of the time he had left.

Loki flinches as he silently pads closer, seeing up-close the sheer extent of the damage those sparking whips did to Tony's armor, and again he wonders how Tony worked up the nerve to go toe-to-toe with this man before he got it. Then he finds his mind wandering back to JARVIS, asking if Tony had ever thought of how JARVIS would be affected – if his attempt to spent the last days of his life in Venice had succeeded, that is – before remembering that with Tony gone from his house, JARVIS would remain powered down – unable to feel loneliness or loss (if he was capable of the emotions) - and even if in the future someone booted him up, the last memory he would have of Tony would be Tony alive, which was actually a small mercy.

Finally Loki decides that in this moment nothing else matters but the broken mortal before him, and he pushes away the questions filling his mind as he gently rubs his cheeks against Tony's open right palm.

When Tony opens his eyes, and silently pulls the cat onto his lap, Loki feels himself overwhelmed by the emotions he sees in them – and a little scared, because the weariness, hopelessness, and grief that filled them before have now been mixed with an overwhelming desperation, and for the first time in the months that Loki knows him, Tony actually looks trapped.

This time, ironically, Tony is not trapped in a literal sense. He could go someplace beautiful and disappear from the sharks that will circle him if they can find him – but he cannot take with him the person he needs the most, Pepper, and to get what little time with her he can, he has no choice but to return to a world that has become his own personal gauntlet.

Tony does not speak as he holds Loki close, and before long, he closes his eyes, leaning his head back against the wall…. and for the first time Loki knows what it feels like to be truly powerless, because he cannot help Tony with this. He can provide his company and a listening ear when Tony needs one, he can ease the mortal's loneliness, but he cannot stop what has been set in motion today.

For a few moments he wishes that he had his powers back already – with them he could wreak enough devastation on this realm that the press would have better things to be doing than tearing Tony apart –yet the idea loses all value as quickly as it had gained it, because he knows Tony – knows that these actions would only hurt Tony more, knows that he will rise up to defend this world till his last breath…. knows that destruction and death will never be what Tony wants, and for the first time that matters to Loki more than his own carefully-crafted plans... for now at least.

Still nothing can take away the agony he feels for Tony, and Loki is forced to conclude that the pain of watching someone you love slipping away while you are powerless to help them, dwarfs all others. For the first time, he thinks of the expression on Thor's face when Loki let go of Gungnir, falling to what they both assumed would be a certain death – and wonders if Thor had actually felt something real for him.

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	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: **

**1) This is set during the scene in Tony's basement when he is researching Vanko.**

**(the rest of the notes are below in case most people do not want to read em.)**

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Loki finds himself grateful when Tony switches off the news-reports that are predictably crying out for blood – Tony's blood, and he settles down on the back of the Hot-Rod, head leaning on Tony's shoulder as he sits inside it to view the results of Jarvis's search on Ivan Vanko – the man who had tried to kill him on that racetrack.

At some level, he understands Tony's need to know, to understand why this man wanted him dead so badly, and what threats his knowledge may have left behind….. but he feels numb inside – unable to care. He supposes he should feel relief that Vanko is dead, even satisfaction….. but all he can feel is the sorrow that eats away at a heart that Tony made him realize he had, and he can only reflect bitterly that even if Vanko were alive, even if in the future with his powers restored he killed him, along with a particular senator Stern…. in the end he would have accomplished nothing that mattered, because in their own way they have already killed Tony and he is powerless to change that.

Stern has made it his personal mission to feed the wildfire growing around Tony and his chosen isolation as a defender of this world, and now with this most recent turn of events, he actually has the power to make sure that Tony goes out of this life abandoned and resented. He has killed Tony's hope – and Vanko gave him the power to do so, as well as having physically killed Tony in a sense because in this moment, Tony is in a far worse state than before, and Loki does not need numbers to know that the palladium-poisoning exacerbated by the fight he forced Tony into that day has taken weeks off his lifespan.

He easily hears Tony's now-labored breaths, and a heartbeat that stutters, becoming a little weaker with each passing second….. and he knows that the arc-reactor is running out of fuel, but when JARVIS has finished with his summary on the revenge-bent Vanko, Tony makes no indication of planning to move, and Loki feels ice rush through his veins as he has no choice but to ask if Tony has gotten tired of it all, tired of a life slipping through his fingers, tired of the cold uncaring world…. Tired enough to let his arc-reactor run out of power allowing him to die.

He shudders at the thought, knowing it will be slow and horrifically painful – but in the end probably not any worse than fatal palladium poisoning…. and that realization scares him even more. He cannot bring himself to voice a protest, strangely, cannot ask Tony to choose one death over another…. and as he settles down, burying his face against Tony's neck, he wonders dimly if JARVIS is thinking the same thing..

When Rhodey arrives, telling Tony about all the problems he is already painfully aware of, he is the only one that sees Tony's resigned weary sigh, and in that moment, Loki wants to rip the other man's throat out just to shut him up, yet he feels a conflicting sense of bittersweet gratitude when Rhodey's presence is enough to remind Tony to live – more accurately it reminds Tony to put on the strong front he always does around other humans, and when he collapses as he tries to stand, and Rhodey helps him re-fuel the reactor that is keeping him alive in the moment and killing him at the same time, Loki realizes that it is entirely feasible to bitterly resent and truly appreciate someone at the same time.

When Rhodey notices the signs of the poisoning that have crept up Tony's neck, and Tony brushes them off as something minor, Loki can see clearly the frustration and hurt that Rhodey feels because Tony will not share his problems with the other man – because Tony is as much a loner emotionally as in his chosen mission – yet despite Rhodey's obvious skepticism when Tony insists that he has a good reason for his actions, Loki knows it is true: Tony is protecting the people he cares about, or at least trying to…. protecting them from having to share with him a burden that cannot be lifted.

The irony of the fact that it is costing Tony more than he can afford to lose is not lost on Loki.

Later, when Tony confirms with Pepper that he will be holding his birthday party – a party he had not even wanted – Loki finds himself realizing how much of what Tony does is what he is expected to do. Granted, he acts like he does not care what the world says, but by this action alone, he has proven that he falls back on a behavior pattern they expect as a form of armor – give them what they want to see and they will look no deeper to uncover the wounds beneath….so that perhaps in the back of your mind, there may be a tiny corner untouched where you can find a lonely peace.

Such is the price of Tony's status…. and for the first time Loki wonders if such is the price of royalty, even on Asgard. How much of his family's actions were because that was the expected behavior?

Loki has never been given to reflecting on his actions, or their consequences, in fact. He has enjoyed making trouble because he could do it, and he has fed on his plans for this realm out of the desire for revenge. Yet now he finds himself thinking of Stern and Vanko, the pain they have caused to someone dear to him….. and for the first time, he dimly realizes in a corner of his tired mind that he does not want to be like them.

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**2) Thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, Lexicon, KiwisS, ShiTiger, diane, Golden feathers Edward, Starkreactor, Lancaeriel Peredhil, and Mimi MC. **

**I'll reply via PM to those of you I can, and to those I cannot, I'll just say here, thank you all for all the encouragement!**

**Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging**

**3) Diane and Lexicon, thanks a million for the very in-depth reviews, you are both giving food for thought on the charachters - Thanks :-). On that note, when you do see Iron Man 2, Diane, maybe you can tell me if I actually percieved things right...either way, thanks to both of you.**

**4) I'd love to say more but I'm running late, so...till next time!**


	12. Chapter 12

A/N:

1) Takes place during Tony's birthday party.

2)Thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, ObeyTheFluff, Jaivaramongolid, bery-cool, diane, and MavericFlame.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) This chapter is dedicated to all the people who have helped me reach this far: my truly inspiring reviewers, especially **Diane** (thank you again for the very in-depth review, and as usual for doing a better job than me voicing what I'm theoretically thinking)- and the authors whose works on similar topics have inspired me: **thisisnotwhoyouthink** and **MaverikFlame** (To you, I also send best wishes for your kitty)

I also thank anyone who I have forgotten to thank above - sorry, I'm a bit scattered right now.

4) Things are hellacious right now, but I'll post again ASAP, sorry for the wait.

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On the day that they are to celebrate Tony Stark's birth – a truly ironic fact considering that death is breathing down his throat, Loki awakens early, trying to convey his own gratitude for Tony's existence by jumping up on his lap, and pressing himself against Tony's chest, marking the mortal as his own. Yet he cannot stop the pain from welling up within him as he thinks: "You are mine, yet I cannot save you."… and no matter how hard he tries, his scent cannot hide the bitter scent of the palladium in Tony's blood…. he cannot lie to himself and forget this painful truth even for a moment.

They are supposed to be celebrating his life – yet one look into the mortal's dark eyes, and Loki knows that Tony has already died inside, and is just waiting for the inevitable agony of it being finalized.

When Tony asks his new PA – a woman who Loki does not trust, since he knows a quality deception when he sees one – what she would do if this was her last birthday party, her answer seems truthful enough – as if she has asked this question herself before, yet that simple set of words: "I would do whatever I wanted to do – with whoever I wanted to do it with." burns more than any answer could, because Loki knows only too well that this option had already been shot down. Tony had wanted to get away from all this, and spend the last days of his life with Pepper. That was impossible, and as Tony sighs silently and downs his drink, Loki knows that those are exactly the thoughts running through Tony's mind.

Vaguely Loki wonders if Natalie's advice meant more than the obvious, especially counting the speed with which she left after saying it…. maybe because she realized that Pepper was the person Tony needed, and whatever was coming between them needed to be fixed. Once it might have been helpful advice, but the fact is that Tony has finally run out of his last reserves of hope. He is shattered inside, and cannot find the strength to reach out again –not when he is inadvertently shot down each time.

When Tony finally gets up, and looks through his window at the swarms of incoming cars, Loki is struck by the irony that Tony is surrounded by multitudes, yet crumbling inside from loneliness…. that Tony is a man who has everything, yet in the end nothing at all…. except perhaps Iron Man – a choice that Tony made, and perhaps the one thing that in the end , to Tony, has made his life matter.

Loki feels ice run down his spine as Tony heads down to his shop and emerges in his armor, unable to stop thinking of the fact that using it is killing him, and unable to stop worrying about the potentially extremely bad combination that drinking and wearing something so powerful is. Yet even if he could, Loki knows he would not protest – because the fact is that no-one there is there for Tony. There for the eccentric genius billionaire? sure. There for Iron Man? sure. Tony does not want to be alone tonight – and if he has to choose who he wants to be – who he wants to go out as, Loki knows the answer is Iron Man.

Everything goes downhill from there…Pepper's disappointment is palpable when Tony collapses drunkenly against a wall, and Loki is the only one that knows that it is only a very small part the alcohol – and mostly a dizzy spell courtesy of the palladium that is poisoning him. Still Tony is drunk enough to admit to Pepper that he loves her, standing almost peacefully with eyes half closed as everyone else's presence is forgotten, as if her hand on his armored chest can fend off his impending death – and vulnerable enough following his admission that when she deflects it, trying to get the situation back under control: "You're unbelievable….", something inside him snap – and in desperation he lashes out.

Loki does not believe for a moment that the shattering of the fountain was accidental – not when Tony's aim is still perfect – without the assistance of his HUD…. More likely, in the wake of another rejection, her presence is just too much for him to handle…. and to prevent himself from breaking down in front of all these people, he is driving away the person he needs the most.

When Rhodey's expression goes from disappointment to fury, and he leaves, returning in Tony's Mark II armor, Loki almost sighs with relief when Tony tells his DJ to give him a fat beat, and laughs for the first time in ages….. but it is a brittle laugh, and Loki cannot shake the feeling that by the end of this night, things will be far worse.

Still, while Tony and Rhodey duke it out, doing a lot more damage to Tony's house than each other – not counting the palladium toxicity in Tony's case - Loki reflects even as he takes cover outside that ironically this is the most alive he has seen Tony in days, weeks perhaps – and even in this case the old standby of a sparring match to take one's mind of certain painful thoughts seems to hold true.

Any relief it may have been vanishes when Tony sees his guests standing outside taking pictures, and knows that by morning, they too will have turned against him. When after sending them away, an almost-forgotten Rhodey uses a sink to smash Tony into a furnace, Tony is for the first time that evening truly angry, and Loki does not need anyone's advice to tell him to dive for cover when the repulsors bolts meet, devastating what is left of Tony's house, and knocking the weakened Tony unconscious.

With the fight over, Loki returns, settling down cautiously among the pieces of broken glass by Tony's side, waiting for him to awaken – and looking up, he breathes a sigh of relief because Rhodey is still there, and at least Tony will not be alone.

When finally Tony stirs, Rhodey stops his pacing on the shattered balcony, and turns toward him, but it is only to silently regard him with what seems to be infinite disappointment even through the expressionless metal plate, and then look to the sky, blasting off into the night.

It is obvious that Rhodey has ended up being the one to carry out what he was warning Tony of just days before, taking his suit to the military…. something they all knew Tony did not want…. but this time Tony does not even try to say anything – or do anything. He is too exhausted and too broken to even try, and moments later, he lapses back into unconsciousness, leaving Loki alone with his thoughts on how he would like to kill Rhodey, slowly and painfully.

Loki knows that Tony has never trusted the military enough to hand over his tech, not wanting his greatest creation to be misused just like his weapons were, because this time he will not be there to set things right. He also knows that Tony taught Rhodey to use his armor – perhaps planning to leave one to him, trusting that in the end Rhodey would do the right thing with it. What Loki does not know is whether or not that has changed, but it hardly seems like a relevant question…. because whatever the situation, he is certain that this is not how it was supposed to happen, and right now it is one more betrayal Tony does not need.

For a while he stews on his anger, yet there is no satisfaction to be found from his macabre musings when he reminds himself that even now, Tony would not want Rhodey harmed – and he vaguely wonders when that started to matter so much to him.

Perhaps he should feel disappointed that he has become what he once would have called soft, perhaps he should feel angry. All he feels is broken, hollowed out, and cold.

Silently as always, he climbs onto Tony's armored lap. The metal is cold and unyielding, yet even as he fluffs his fur in an attempt to keep warm while an icy moist breeze sweeps through, Loki cannot tear himself away from Tony's side.

Tony is dying. His time is up – and with this last fight, he has a day, maybe two at the most. Though he can do nothing, though Loki knows it will destroy him to watch Tony's inevitable death, he feels bound to see this through to the bitter end.

Desperate, he reaches for his magic, finding nothing but the barest hint of it – and knows even as he wishes it would not true that it will not be enough. If he could, Loki would remove the shrapnel from Tony's chest, purge the palladium from his blood, and let him live his life to its fullest.

But there is nothing there of the innate magic he needs – and even if he draws enough to kill himself, it will not be enough to heal Tony.

Loki realizes that if he could save Tony, no-one would ever thank him for it…. because no-one else even knows that Tony is dying – and Tony will never look to his cat for an explanation of how he is miraculously well…. but though before he would have hated this, now it strangely does not bother him.

For the first time Loki realizes that he would do it – he would save Tony even at the cost of his own life – if he could, and though he would never be recognized for it, though he would be the unsung hero, for the first time it would be enough for him.

For the first time since finding the truth about his identity as a Jotun – a monster, Loki knows beyond any doubt that he actually can love….. and for the first time he has realizes that in searching for the acceptance and recognition he never had, he'd missed what mattered most all along – yet his heart breaks a little more at the realization that now – now that he knows what it means to love - he is powerless to save the fragile mortal who taught him so much.

… and for the first time as he makes one last futile attempt to call upon his still-drained magic, he finds that he does not even have any plans for when it returns – because if he cannot use it to save someone he has come to care for so deeply, what is the point of having it at all?

...

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	13. Chapter 13

A/N:

1) Set the morning after Tony's birthday.

2)Thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, peppymint, Lokke, Autobot Firekat, KiwisS, diane, Hhay, ObeyTheFluff, Alex, and bermellon. As usual. I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) Thanks a million to Diane for the very in-depth review and the encouragement. I totally agree with your asessment of what basically breaks Loki, and that Rhodey's taking the Mark II to the military was crappy, though it's a tad more forgiveable in the book because we do see him realising he was wrong, and in the end, he decides that while he'll continue to use the suit (yeah, that's really no surprise) he will not take it back to the military:

"I've got a suit to hide and all kinds of superior officers I should tell lies to."

And of course there's Tony who (though his friends 95% of the time don't understand him) is actually very good at being able to look at things from their perspective, and not hold a grudge when they manage to hurt him, thinking they're doing the right thing.

4) Thanks a million to Alex for the very in-depth review and the encouragement. I'm in full agreement about Pepper, and I'm glad you think I'm managing to do her justice, since to me, she's got her hands full trying to keep the sharks at bay, and really not having a clue what's happening with Tony, and is cranky because she is understandably reaching her stress thershold - but not for a second because she does not care for Tony very much.

5) KiwisS, thanks a million for the encouragement. It's true this is not going to be slash (not b/c I have anything against it, but b/c I'm too fond of Tony/Pepper to change this). If it helps though, you got me thinking, and I've already mostly finished a sort-of sequel that does have Tony/Loki in the end (no smut btw, I just can't write it and don't care to either). I say sort-of since I still favor Tony/Pepper, but don't worry, I'll publish it after this story is complete.

6) Sorry again for the long wait again, I admit the last 24 hrs delay have been my fault entirely, since I ended up writing and publishing a horifically depressing Iron Man fic (Too Late), and by the time I was done, my eyes were too sore from crying to look at the screen. (No, please, don't give me the look, I'm sure anyone who reads it will agree it is THAT depressing) Alex, if you do happen to check it out, please don't come swinging till you read all 8 chapters...

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Morning comes, and finally Tony stirs. He reaches wearily to remove his helmet, but despite Loki's hopes that the rest of the armor will follow since using it is making the poisoning worse, Tony clearly is not about to bother removing anything else.

Loki leaves a drawn out mournful meow, a wordless sound which still manages to encompass the pain that is eating at him, and Tony gently strokes the back of a metal-clad hand across one of the cat's cheeks and down his side. He does not say anything, but the small broken forlorn smile that shows on his features is enough to speak volumes to Loki – a gesture of bittersweet gratitude because Loki is here with Tony when no-one else is.

Tony sighs, rubbing at his temple – an obvious reaction to the headache which Loki knows only too well is mostly from the poison in the mortal's blood, and only a little from a hangover – and looks out at the sky.

It seems that the sky is beckoning to Tony, and for a moment, Loki is certain Tony is going to fly somewhere, but then Tony looks back at him, and there is that broken smile again - this time infinitely more weary.

If cats could weep, Loki would, but this form cannot shed tears even though inside, his heart is breaking. He cannot bear to see the loneliness in Tony's eyes, or worst of all the resignation to his end. The armor is cold on the outside, and Loki finds himself wishing he could feel the warmth of Tony's body – the reminder that Tony is still living, still with him even if for a day.

Loki stretches up, bracing his front paws against the armor on Tony's chest, letting his own body cover the light on the mortal's chest that is killing him while it holds him in life. He buries his face against Tony's neck, desperate to forget his pain in the warmth of this contact, even though with each passing second the throbbing ache within him grows deeper, because this close to Tony's skin, he can smell the bitter metallic scent of the Palladium that now completely overpowers Tony's scent.

Tony raises one armored arm to let Loki perch comfortably on it, idly running feather-light caresses through his fur with the other hand, and with the improved leverage, Loki leans closer. He can now feel the blood flowing under Tony's skin, and hear each breath clearly, yet even now, his heart shatters a little more each second because each breath and each beat of Tony's heart is a little more ragged… a little weaker.

Through a mind clouded with grief, Loki vaguely wonders what is the point of loving when it can become this self-destructive – why he chooses to stay here by Tony's side to the bitter end instead of sparing himself the pain…. and though ultimately he cannot find a practical answer, he realizes that he does not need one. Tony needs him, now more than ever – and that is enough for him.

For the first time in his adult life, Loki feels truly loved, needed, trusted. He has in this moment everything he ever wanted, yet he also realizes for the first time that if he could give it all up in exchange for Tony's life, he'd make the trade.

...

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	14. Chapter 14

A/N: 1) Set the day after Tony's birthday.

2) Next chapter we finally get to see the scene that inspired this entire fic in my mind!

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...

Loki does not know how much time has elapsed, and he does not care. He holds on to the present because he cannot bear to think of the future – and tries not to notice the hours sliding by, taking what is left of Tony's life with them.

He does notice though when other people arrive, including a man with an eye-patch which reminds Loki far too-much of the Allfather for comfort, and it is with a mixture of old-anger and new wariness that Loki briefly considers leaping on the man's head and giving him reason to have another eye-patch.

Tony seems comfortable enough with the other man's presence that Loki figures he does not need to engage in any acrobatic eye-clawing. He also knows based on the emotional armor of cool indifference that immediately covers Tony, hiding the completely shattered vulnerable man beneath a surface of polished steel, that this one-eyed mortal is not a friend of Tony's, just a former acquaintance whose intentions Tony trusts in the _'You're not here to kill me because I'm more useful to you alive than dead'_ way common between loose allies.

The offer of coffee is enough to get Tony to his sofa, and Loki chooses to perch on the back of the sofa by Tony's shoulder, instead of on the seat, when the furniture gives rather loudly under the weight of Tony's armor. Still, it is clear to Loki that Tony is not interested in whatever this man may have to offer, and Loki's speculation is proven correct when Tony says in a flat tone laced with forced lightness:

"I already told you, I'm not interested in joining your super-secret boy-band."

The other man laughs and his reply is cynical:

"Oh, right, I remember, you do everything yourself – how's that working out for you?"

Loki sees the faintest flicker of desolation seep through the mask of indifference in Tony's eyes. It is not a surprise that those words cut deep when for months Tony has kept buried within him the terrible secret of his inevitable demise – trying to spare the people he cares for by hiding from them truths that will only cause them pain, yet by protecting them, he has lost the support and understanding of everyone he needed most.

True to form though, the emotion vanishes as quickly as it appeared. _'Absorb and Deflect'_, Tony once said, and it is exactly what he does now:

"Honestly, I don't want to get off on the wrong foot, do I look at the patch or the eye? Honestly, I'm a bit hung-over, I'm not sure if you're real or if I'm having delirium-tremens."

Loki is almost certain that the other man knows more about the wreck that is Tony's life than he's letting on when his initial response is an aggravated knowing smile, and seconds later, when his fingers are brushing against the marks of the palladium poisoning that are creeping up Tony's throat, the offhand comment: "That's not looking too good." is certain verification that somehow this man knows the secret Tony has hidden so well.

The answer to the obvious question of how he knows walks into the room, literally, and Loki feels a flicker of satisfaction as his suspicions about Natalie not being who she seemed are confirmed. She is actually Natasha Romanov, an agent who works for the man Loki now knows is Director Fury. In his experience this type of people do not involve themselves with hopeless cases, and Loki finds himself wondering why exactly they are here, knowing that Tony is dying.

"You've been very busy lately, You made your girl your CEO, you're giving away all your stuff… you let your friend fly away in your suit!.. If I didn't know better…"

It is bitterly ironic that a one-eyed man sees the painfully obvious signs that Tony has been preparing to die, when all the people close to Tony did not, but the newfound appreciation that Loki finds for this man's attentiveness melts into the profound wish that he would just shut up when the topic of Rhodey comes up, and this time the hurt and betrayal that wells up inside Tony is too much to hide, too much to let go without comment:

"You don't know better, he **took it**."

Fury seems somewhere between disbelief and sarcasm, but Loki cannot honestly bring himself to care. All he can see is Tony's expression, the pure honest sadness and hopelessness that Tony does not seem to have the strength to hide, because the truth is worse than Tony's half-truth, worse than Fury's assumption. Tony had taught Rhodey to operate the armor, he'd given his friend knowledge he'd share with no other, and the greatest gift of all: his trust. Rhodey had taken that trust and left it broken in the rubble of Tony's house when he took the Mark II to the military – and though Loki knows that even now, Tony still cares for Rhodey, still would not harm him, it does nothing to lessen the pain of a betrayal that was perhaps the last straw.

When Loki looks again, Tony's expression is guarded. He manages to suppress the worst of the pain and loneliness, but the weariness shows through, he's tired of living with everything falling apart around him, tired of hurting…. tired of those closest to him leaving him, and tired of having only people who want something from him in his presence, and it is this final emotion that shows clearly in his tone when he cuts in:

"What do you want from me?"

Tony wants this conversation over, wants the meaningless acquaintances - that only serve to remind him of how truly alone he is – to leave so he can die in peace. For some reason, Fury seems angry at the question, and Loki feels his position tighten into an involuntary crouch as the anger builds within him. Tony may not value much what Fury has to say, but he does not need another person telling him that he is a _problem_.

When Natalie – Natasha actually – injects Tony with something, all Loki's anger is suddenly directed at her, but she pulls away in time to not be caught by his claws as he swipes at her hand, and he feels his heart hammer painfully within his chest as paralyzing terror fills him, and all he can think of is Stane.

It is only when after what is more a token protest than anything, Tony starts to breathe easier, and the marks of the poisoning recede beneath the collar of his armor that Loki escapes his haunting thoughts, and though unsurprisingly the injection is not a cure, Loki is grateful that this compound can at least lessen Tony's suffering.

The resignation in Tony's tone when he tells them of the futile attempts to find a replacement for palladium burns deep within Loki's chest, leaving him desperate for anything that will make the pain go away, yet he does not let himself hope that Fury is right, that Tony still has a chance to live, because he has always known it is impossible, there is no suitable replacement in this realm.

From there the conversation goes to Tony's father – and Anton Vanko, the father of the man who tried to kill Tony back on that racetrack in Monaco, and for the first time Loki starts to have an idea of why. The fact that it boils down to the younger Vanko having what Midgardians call 'daddy issues', which to him apparently justified killing people who never actually did anything to him – Tony Stark included – leaves Loki feeling sick. He hates Vanko for trying to kill Tony, for making him vulnerable in the eyes of the world, for bringing in the sharks and giving them the leverage to make the little time Tony has left miserable. Despite that he cannot help but draw the obvious analogies between Vanko's actions and what he had planned for this realm when he first arrived, and the realization of how much unjust tragedy he would have created is so unexpectedly painful – now that he looks at the results of misdirected vengeance from the side of one of its victims – that he cannot bear to think about his past.

Loki decides to let it go. He has time – too much of it, in fact – ahead of him, and at present dwelling on the past is both useless and pointless. When the conversation turns to Tony's father, Loki cannot help but be sucked back into the murky swamp of dark memories he would rather not think of, into the old pain of feeling for most of his life unimportant, unloved, and never good enough.

Thousands of years will pass, but Loki knows he can never forget Tony's words, or the subtle flickers of deep emotions that flash through his eyes and lace his voice as he says them:

"I don't know where you're getting your information from, but uh… he wasn't my biggest fan… He was cold, he was calculating; he never told me he loved me, he never even told me he liked me – so it's a little tough for me to digest when you're telling me he said the whole future was riding on me, and he's passing it down…. I don't get that. We're talking about a guy whose happiest day was when he shipped me off to boarding school."

A new admiration for the fragile mortal he has come to love wells up within him, bringing with it a new grief that is near unbearable – because it is all there in those words and in their delivery: deep wounds that could never be healed hidden behind a fragile scarred veneer of indifference and sarcasm.

Tony's tone shifts between bitter, indifferent, broken, defensive, and all combinations thereof – and Loki knows him well enough to be able to read his body language, to see the fissures where the age-old wounds have bled through cracks in emotional armor that could not always withstand the grief pent-up inside.

For the first time the exercise in contradictions that is Tony Stark makes sense.

For the first time, Loki knows why Tony built around himself emotional armor so formidable it makes his gold-titanium armor look soft by comparison, armor so thick that only a few people in his life have on rare occasions glimpsed the human being beneath, while the rest of the world only sees the flashy impenetrable inhuman exterior.

Tony Stark shows the world a man who exudes an indifferent confidence, and is impervious to any criticism, to hide the person who spends sleepless nights tormenting himself with crimes that were never truly his – and paying for a forgiveness he will never grant himself with his own blood.

He's had meaningless physical relationships in the past, and given them up for the sake of the woman he truly loves, but will never tell her because deep down inside he believes he will never be good enough to deserve her – and knows that to have her confirm it will destroy him.

Outside the armor, he is eccentric and so self-obsessed he does not ever think of other people and their opinion of him. Beneath the armor, he is still human, already broken emotionally by guilt and a lifetime of loneliness – and though he pretends to the world that nothing can truly hurt him, Loki has seen enough to know that it is not true, and that at some point Tony's emotional armor transitioned from a protective device into a reservoir for a lifetime of hurts he must bear alone.

Despite all the pain, though, Tony Stark never let it make him destructive – at least not to anyone but himself. Even the man who had been called the Merchant of Death never wanted to cause harm; he'd assumed naively that his actions were protecting innocent lives, and when that naiveté was shattered, he was willing to sacrifice everything to stop the bloodshed.

Instead of burning the world, he isolates himself behind countless facades to keep from reaching a breaking point, and buries the pain deep within him, somehow finding the strength to use his gifts to fight for what he knows is right, even when the world repays his sacrifices in the cruelest way, and even when those closest to him – who still do not understand him – inadvertently alienate themselves from him when he needs them most.

For all this, Loki finds he has never admired anyone in his life as much as the dying mortal before him – because Loki had snapped beneath the burden of a lifetime of loneliness and self-doubt, and beneath the same burden, Tony is strong enough not to.

For the first time, Loki wants to make that strength his own – and for the first time it is not to prove anything to anyone; it's not for glory or even acceptance. It is for something else, something that is hard to put words to, and maybe once identified even harder to accept, but the reasons don't matter for the moment; that he wants it is enough for him.

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	15. Chapter 15

A/N:

1) Set the evening after Tony's birthday.

2)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, GuessWho, diane, Mimi MC, PrettyPieceOfFlesh, Ellie, KiwisS, and Mel. As usual. I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) As always, thanks a million to Diane for the very in-depth reviews and the encouragement. You have my best wishes for a speedy recovery, and on a seperate note, please don't feel bad if you can't write for any reason :-)

4) This is finally the scene that inspired this fic, thought the story ended up coming a long way from what I had planned. Unfortunately I'm not sure my writing is at its best today, but since the last two edits have produced no improvements, here it is !

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It is the curiosity that has driven Tony all his life that makes him finally carry the chest labeled "Property of Howard Stark" down to his shop and look through the contents.

It is this drive to know, to understand all that can be understood, coupled with a tiny ray of hope that drives him to look through his father's notebook while the unedited footage recorded for Howard Stark's first Expo plays in the background, and Loki finds himself grateful for that curiosity because it allows Tony even this small distraction that occupies his mind rather than letting it dwell on the crumbling remains of his life.

Seconds later, the gratitude dissolves into a fresh wave of pain when on film a child Tony is scolded by his father and cleared out of the room like a nuisance by the film crew – and in that moment Loki hates Fury more than ever before for sending Tony on a pointless path down memory lane, because though Loki is sure that with Tony's mind, he remembers only too well most of these events, the absolute last thing he needs is to have to watch them.

It hurts even more when Tony reaches the blank pages in the book, and drops both it and his mini-computer, because there is nothing left to check…. and at the end this painful trip down memory lane was all for nothing.

Tony picks up his soda, staring into it while he idly wipes the condensation from the glass, and though Loki would have never believed it to be possible, Tony looks more hurt and more broken in this moment than ever before. What is perhaps worst is that it actually makes sense, because this is the one thing all that emotional armor cannot protect Tony from – it is a wound that lies beneath it all and has never healed, not something new and external…. and all this has done is start the emotional internal hemorrhage again.

Tony says nothing, but Loki cannot shake the feeling that the past minutes have put the final nail in the mortal's coffin. Death has taken his future, his present has collapsed in every way imaginable, and in the end, even the past never had a place for him. Tony knew he had nothing left, but now he's standing at death's door, having to face the possibility that perhaps he never had anything to begin with…. and no words can come close to describing the pain and bitterness of the moment.

Loki wants to hiss at the man on film who he decides he actually despises more than Odin, but he feels so completely broken as he watches his friend crumble inside beneath the armor, that he cannot find the energy to even make that pointless gesture.

It is only when Tony looks up in shock at his father talking to him from beyond the grave that Loki starts to listen again, hope and horror warring within him as he takes in the raw ...vulnererability... in Tony's expression – emotional armor ripped off and scattered by the connections that predate its creation. And all Loki can do is hope desperately that this will not be the fatal blow at the end.

"_Tony, you are too young to understand this right now, so I thought I would put it on film for you._

_I built this for you… and someday you'll realize that it represents a whole lot more than people's inventions; it represents my life's work. This is the key to the future._

_I'm limited by the technology of my time – but one day you'll figure this out, and when you do, you will change the world._

_What is – and always will be – my greatest creation… is you."_

Those final words from his father hit Tony hard – hard enough that there are tears in the eyes of a man who never cried. He had not wept when a person he'd trusted for most of his life betrayed him and tried to kill him several times over, nor when he found out he was dying and could not save himself, nor even when the people he cared for the most managed to repeatedly inadvertently wound him in the ways that hurt deepest – but in this moment, sitting in his ruined home, abandoned by friends and staring death in the face, there are tears in his eyes, and for the first time there is also a sense of peace, of belonging, written in them.

In the end, Loki decides, this painful search was worth it, because though there is no practical information – no life-saving cure to be found here - it has given Tony something that in some ways perhaps he needed even more: the truth that despite the fact that his father never gave him the affection or support he needed, in the end his father believed in him – and _loved_ him.

Howard Stark never said the words, but Loki knows just as well as Tony does that _'my greatest creation is you'_ is the closest equivalent a man like Howard Stark would ever manage to say, and it is enough for Tony, enough that at last the wounds that have been bleeding beneath his emotional armor, all his life, can start to heal.

And there is also something else there; a lesson to be gleaned from past mistakes and a lifetime of loneliness, hurt, and misunderstanding: _Say what matters before it is too late_.

Tony is still dying, he's given this last chance everything, and there is still no hope of saving him, but when he finally tears his eyes from the now-blank screen and stands, there is a newfound determination filling his movements, and when Tony tells JARVIS that he is going to the office briefly, Loki is certain it is because there are still some things Tony needs to say to Pepper before his time runs out.

While Tony leaves to get dressed in attire more suitable for the office, Loki finds himself in turn staring at the blank screen, and musing that though the Allfather might have balked at the idea of learning from a Midgardian family, Odin could have found this lesson valuable as well - only realizing after he finishes the thought, what assumption underlies it.

For the first time, Loki finds himself contemplating the possibility that Odin had, in fact, loved him as a son – and was simply as miserably poor at expressing it as Howard Stark.

It certainly seems plausible after what he has just witnessed, and the idea is so shocking, so terrifying by virtue of the sheer power of its siren call, that Loki finds himself paralyzed by indecision.

Now that he has started to consider the possibility, there is something that burns within him like smoldering coals awaiting their transformation into a fire which will either comfort or destroy, and Loki is not sure in the end what the outcome will be.

Tony returns to the shop, searching for the keys to one of his cars, and Loki decides to force this new internal conflict to the back of his mind... because when all is said and done, he'll have all the time he needs to figure this out, unlike Tony whose life is slipping through his fingers.

Crushing pain wells up again within Loki's chest as he is reminded that despite how far he has come and how much he has learned, he cannot save Tony, and he vaguely wonders in the back of a grief-filled mind if this pain is the price to be paid for the ability to love.

Tony seems healthier now, but Loki can still smell the overpowering bitter scent of the palladium in Tony's blood, and hear the mortal's heartbeat which is a definitive ever-weakening countdown. In desperation, Loki reaches for his magic again, even though he knows it is futile, trying with everything in him to bring it back to life... only to fail, as he knew he would.

Having found his keys, Tony drops to one knee to tell Loki goodbye - for a short while - and something snaps within Loki at those words, wrenching a mournful meow from him before he can even think about it, because all he can think of is the fact that soon this goodbye will be forever. Desperate not to lose any of the little time they have left, Loki steps forward, stepping up on Tony's knee and burying his face against the mortal's chest, desperation showing in his every move.

Apparently Tony senses it, because he pulls Loki closer, running caresses through his fur, whispering to him that everything is going to be okay, and for some reason those words only hurt deeper, because nothing is going to be 'okay' with Tony dead.

When finally Tony straightens up, he holds Loki still, hands gently cupping Loki's head between his palms, and looks straight into Loki's emerald eyes, saying gently:

"You are going to be okay.".

Those words burn deeper than anything else ever, because Loki cannot even begin to imagine how he will handle the pain he knows is coming, he cannot begin to imagine how he will ever heal from the loss, and he knows he can never forget Tony however long he lives - yet the quiet confidence in those words, and in Tony's eyes is not misplaced... because somewhere along the way, something changed within Loki - and though he's not sure when he passed the point of no-return - he knows he can never become again who he was when he came to this realm.

Loki simply sits still, holding to the moments that he knows will soon be no-more, and looks into Tony's eyes, seeing within them a sorrowful but calm resignation to his own death, coupled with determination to say the things that matter to the people he loves, to find a final sense of closure.

Finally Tony smiles, still looking into Loki's eyes. It is a weary sad smile, but it is completely open, completely genuine - and the mortal's voice is rough with emotion as he says quietly:

"Thank you."

An overwhelming wave of emotion wells up within Loki as Tony gently sets him down and starts discussing with JARVIS the logistics of evading Coulson. Tony had not explained why he'd thanked Loki, nor did he need to. Loki had been there to give what little comfort he could when others were not- he'd given the mortal his affection with all of his heart - and apparently for Tony it mattered, it made a difference.

And though it does nothing to ease the pain burning within him, at some level, Loki finds that he is grateful for his existence, because it gave him the chance to be here to ease the loneliness of a dying man and make him smile, and though it cannot save him, it is enough for Tony.

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	16. Chapter 16

A/N:

1) Set during and around the scene when Tony goes to the office to talk to Pepper.

2)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, child-of-paradox-and-chaos, Ellie, Edna Pests, Stark Obsessed, diane, ScreamsOnScreen, and Usako lokilover. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) Again, thanks a million to Diane for the very very in-depth review and the encouragement. Glad to hear your health is improving, and you have my best wishes for a speedy complete recovery!

As always your perspectives are appreciated and helpful (you got me thinking about some future plans for later chapters in this fic and I'm glad you did) I am also glad that you liked my writing of the scene (in ch 15) because I was afraid I had failed to do it justice.

On a completely seperate note, its funny that you mention Smallville, because I have been wanting to see it (despite not! being a superman fan in general) since I have heard that in it Lex Luthor is more complex than in other renderings and Clark is not so inhumanly perfect - which certainly would make it more interesting to me than the one-dimensional usual fare... so now I'm even more curious...

4) Finally I apologize in advance if my writing style falls short here, I have always found this scene to be a very dramatic one in its own way, certainly very disheartening for Tony, but since I have already explored in another fic how much worse it could have gone, I tried to keep this written from a balanced perspective (as much as I can)

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Loki watches as Tony prepares to leave, yet despite his decision to let Tony go and do this, he finds he does not want to say goodbye – not with so little time left – and even if all he can do in another form – a falcon perhaps – is watch from a distance, it is better than nothing.

One single look at the car Tony is unlocking and Loki changes his mind, knowing that he cannot keep up; the vehicle's listed top speed is already too fast for a falcon to follow – and that was before Tony had upgraded it.

Taking a deep breath and hoping that pest-control is not one of the many things in this house that Tony has automated, Loki lets himself shrink down smaller, peeking out from the desk under which he'd crawled in the form of an ant.

When no robotic arms bearing pesticide sprayers come after him, Loki makes a mad dash across the floor, and barely manages to grab onto the leg of Tony's pants before the mortal gets into the car and drives out – predictably at the vehicle's new top-speed, courtesy of Tony's upgrades.

Loki hikes carefully higher, finally finding steady ground and a decent point of observation tucked under the collar of Tony's shirt. When Tony abruptly pulls over and buys strawberries for Pepper, Loki finds himself smiling internally at this small gesture which is heartwarming, touching in its simplicity – and he ruthlessly fights back the aggravatingly insistent instinctual urge provided by this new form to go and bore holes in said berries.

By the time Tony reaches the office, still carrying the strawberries and unknowingly Loki, Loki has managed to convince himself at some level that this will turn out well – but the hope shrivels and dies as the door opens and Loki notices just how angry Pepper is.

She is on the phone, and managing admirably not to scream at the person on the other end of the line, but her body-language shows clearly the desire to do so, and as the seconds slide by, Loki finds the urge to tell Tony to flee in the opposite direction building by the second – because Loki can tell in the brief glimpses he gets of Pepper while Tony nervously paces around the room that she is too angry to listen to him.

When Tony mutes the TV seconds before the commentator has the chance to insult Pepper – protecting her in what little way he can even when he cannot save himself – Loki feels the ache build within his chest, and when the phone conversation ends, and Tony sits down to talk to Pepper, it is an even more painful sight than what Loki feared.

Tony manages to express that he needs to share something with Pepper, something important enough to bring him here to the center of the storm:

"…I haven't been entirely up-front with you, and I just wanna try to make good…", but it is painfully obvious that she is too angry to listen to whatever he has to say.

Perhaps Tony knows this too – knows it's a battle he has lost before it even begun - because as he shifts to avoid seeing her between the rotating bars of a decidedly sadistic desk-decoration, his usual eloquence and decisiveness slips away from him, as irreversibly as his life that has trickled out between his fingers, and he finds himself stumbling painfully through the words he needs so desperately to tell her – torn between needing to tell her the truth in the little time he has left, not wanting to pressure her into a response, and fearing that worst of all, perhaps in the end she will not care:

"Do you know how short life is…. and if I never got to express…And by the way, this is somewhat revelatory to me, and I don't care….I mean, I care, it would be nice, I'm not expecting you to ….to…. Look, here's what I'm trying to say, I'm just going to say it…"

Loki carefully climbs onto the top of the desk, allowing him to see both Tony and Pepper as this inevitable collision occurs, and the irony burns within him as he recognizes the bitter truth held within those fragmented words. What Tony is getting to is the truth about his long-hidden feelings for Pepper - not the one about his inevitable death – but he also wants her to know that if she does not feel the same it is okay. The reason quietly hinted at but very real within Tony's mind is his doubt that he is worthy of her love – or ever was, and even now, Loki can see Tony bracing for a rejection that will likely destroy him.

Loki feels a small relief when Pepper's expression softens fractionally and she seems willing to listen, because Loki knows exactly how hard this is for Tony – how hard it is to shed a lifetime's worth of armor that has been built up with each passing year, how hard it is to strip it all off before the one person who would never intentionally harm him but could easily inadvertently destroy him.

Then Pepper's expression freezes over as her already-strained patience wears out, and she cuts him off with her own tirade of frustration, tone uncharacteristically angry:

"Let me just stop you right here, okay, because if you say I one more time, I'm going to actually hurl something at your head, I think….. I am trying to run a company, do you have any idea what that entails?"

Tony cuts in, hoping to stop Pepper: "yes", but she is not done, and she continues, while Tony starts nervously fiddling with a ball that Loki is sure was not on Pepper's desk moments earlier.

"People are relying on you to be Iron Man, and you've disappeared, and all I'm doing is putting out your fires and taking the heat for it"

Suddenly the ball goes flying, launched from Tony's hands towards Pepper who catches it and squeezes it tight, only made angrier by what seems to her like a childish game, as she finishes:

"I am trying to do the job that you were meant to do."

As Tony falls silent, studiously looking anywhere but at Pepper, Loki feels his heart break once again, because after all this time of observing Tony, he knows that the repeated use of 'I' in this situation which had angered Pepper had nothing to do with narcissism and everything to do with nervousness. He knows that Tony's launching the ball across her desk was a futile, even desperate effort, to stop her from continuing to tell him that he was little more than a nuisance in her life – and that right now while Tony is avoiding looking at her it is only because in this moment he cannot bear to look up and see the anger and frustration in her features, cannot bear to start another conversation which will tell him once again that Pepper will be far better off with him dead – though he also knows that she just might hate him forever for passing to her a responsibility that has proved to be too stressful for her, even though at the time, he'd practically given her the world – and the greatest trust he had ever placed in another person.

When Pepper's tone levels off, and she asks: "Did you bring me strawberries?" Loki wonders if this fight is over, if there still is a chance for Tony to find the peace he needs, but he does not let himself hope. At least this way he has nothing to lose, nothing to hurt for should that hope be proven unfounded, and he finds himself wishing that Tony would – for the sake of avoiding further pain – do the same.

Tony doesn't. Even the crushing despair and resignation filling him loses the battle with desperation, and it is a fatal-perhaps hope that claws its way up from within the pain and desolation, manifesting itself in a tiny half-smile, and the undisguised desperate hope that shines in Tony's eyes as he looks up to meet Pepper's.

What fragile peace may have started to form collapses as she continues with a smile that is colder than Jotunheim: "did you know that there is only one thing on earth that I'm allergic to?"

Falling back on old defensive mechanisms, Tony hides his shock, absorbs and deflects, finishing as calmly as possible: "allergic to is strawberries"

Then desperation wells up again as he says, not caring anymore that he is actually a step away from begging her to accept the gesture for what it was and listen: "Come on, Pepper, this is progress, I knew there was a correlation between you and this."

Pepper smiles icily again, saying in a level tone that Loki now knows to be the tone of her voice when she is beyond furious:

"I need you"

And really by now, Tony should know that this is not a confession of love or even friendship from Pepper, but the pain and desperation that has shattered him inside is enough that he takes the risk, reaching blindly, desperately for a phantom hope to warm his dying hours – instantly shedding years of emotional armor as he offers in a tone so desperately sincere it hurts:

"I need you too, that's what I'm trying to say."

Though Loki knows this is coming, the fact does nothing to lessen the visceral raw pain that rips through him as before his eyes, Tony is paralyzed, shocked into a broken silence as he realizes what words have finished her statement, and knows it was not what he'd so desperately hoped for: "… to leave. Now."

Thirty seconds earlier, he had been wishing that Pepper had found the patience to let Tony finish with the words he'd gotten so close to saying, believing that Pepper did indeed deeply care for Tony, and would be there for him to at least help him find the peace he so desperately needed. Though nothing has changed, pragmatically, the pain burning within is too much for Loki – and despite everything he had thought he'd known, right now in this moment, he is sure Pepper feels absolutely nothing for Tony.

For once he is grateful for the walking deception Natalie – Natasha actually – who walks in to the office, her presence forcing Tony's emotional armor back into existence, and perhaps sparing him from an even more desperate attempt and an even more icy angry rejection that could utterly destroy him in this state of complete vulnerability.

True to form, Tony switches to a guarded defensiveness, trying for his usual humor as he realizes how utterly insignificant he has become to the other mortals closest to him, and from there to passive-aggressive verbal sparring with the agent that stems from a knowledge that only she and Tony possess – but even the façades are imperfect, once strong emotional armor riddled with thousands of tiny cracks that are spreading irreversibly through as the human heart beneath bleeds – and in those moments where the people around him are oblivious to his presence, Loki catches a glimpse of the pain and desperation burning within the mortal.

He turns to watch Pepper walk out of the room – and out of what is left of his life - and this time it is only Loki who'd been forced to take a dive to the floor to avoid being gathered and flattened in the paperwork, who sees the honest sadness and resigned hopelessness that fills Tony's expression as she disappears from his life.

As quickly as it came the expression is masked, and Tony transitions back into the usual defensive deflection as he verbally spars with the agent, leaving Loki amazed at what could be called a shapeshifting ability that rivals his own.

It is only when finally the agent too leaves that Tony allows the weight of his pain and frustration to show, sitting in an office that once was his at a time that he'd thought he mattered in some small way to the people in his life.

Watching from his viewpoint on the floor, Loki finds himself wishing he could conceivably revert to his cat form in which he at least can comfort Tony – because right now, more than anything, Tony needs to know he still matters to someone – and it is this time lost in thought that almost causes Loki to be left behind when Tony abruptly stands, eating a single strawberry and throwing the rest in the trash – well, outside the trash if Loki is to be honest – tearing out of an office that perhaps now makes him feel all that more desolate.

Racing to catch up, six legs not enough to keep up with Tony when he is in a hurry, Loki finds that he will not be able to reach him in time, until Tony suddenly pivots away from the door he is about to open, looking at the old Expo model the way a prisoner looks upon the sun after years in a dark cave, and though Loki does not know what Tony sees in it – he can finally read Tony's reactions well enough that he knows Tony has found something hidden in the model, perhaps even hope for his own life should he survive long enough to follow these clues to their end.

Clinging tightly to his newly-reacquired perch on Tony's shoulder as the mortal manages to cram the model in pieces into a car clearly not designed for transporting anything that size, Loki finds that he cannot find the strength it takes to hope for Tony's survival – not when he knows that he cannot fathom the pain of watching this last desperate hope die with the mortal who has become so dear to him – and for the first time he understands why a person will deny themselves something they need more than anything else rather than take a chance at having it, and in so doing risk the pain of loosing even the hope that they can.

For the moment he tries to find some bittersweet solace in the energy that is suddenly flowing through Tony, the creative drive that has in this moment taken over everything else, shining through even the pain and loneliness that was only minutes earlier drowning the mortal – and though in the end this may not be enough to save him, Loki is grateful for the simple existence of a challenge that has called to life again a facet of Tony long buried beneath overwhelming hopelessness and loneliness, the creative genius that once given a challenging problem has by his very nature to solve it.

Holding on tight against the battering of the wind, Loki vaguely wonders when he learned to appreciate the small gifts in life, even in the face of impending tragedy…. knowing that this is new, a trait adopted perhaps in the face of pain he truly cannot bear…. and for the first time he wonders how many of these little gifts passed him by in his hundreds of years of life.

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	17. Chapter 17

A/N:

1) Set during the scene in which Tony makes his new element.

2)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, diane, StarkObsessed, and MaverikFlame. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) Again, thanks a million to Diane for the very very in-depth review and the encouragement. Thank you especially for sharing your ideas, and the truth is that the more we talk the more I find I respect your perspectives and wish I could get to know you better :-) ... no need to reply to this statement though (I know it's sorta stupid) - or conversely to be worried , I'm not some creepy cyber-stalker or something... eeek!

Thanks also for the recommendation, which I will follow just as soon as I can get my hands on the Smallville series or catch reruns on TV.

On the note of family issues, have you read the books in the "Percy Jackson and the Olympians" series? The movie was IMO a failure for many reasons, but especially in the fifth volume of the books we get a close look at the family issues that brought our main antagonist to where he is - and ultimately how he triumphs (in a sense) over a hopeless situation.

4) Finally, sorry for the delay, my work schedule has gotten less predictable lately with reduced manpower and some cow problems (not mine, my bosses) so here I am...

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By the time Loki comes back inside – as a cat once more – Tony has already set up the model in his shop, and is having JARVIS scan it. He wonders vaguely if like Tony, JARVIS seems a little more alive, but finds himself looking away when a wave of emotional pain overwhelms him as Tony's words about re-discovering a new element sink in.

Light dances over Tony's fingers, responding to his touch as if it were itself tangible, but while Loki at some level marvels at the system Tony has created, it reminds him too much of his own missing magic, and the reminder of how utterly powerless he is to save the mortal is too painful to dwell on.

The fear that this will be all for nothing eats at him, gnawing within his chest till he feels completely hollowed out and broken, and he finds that he cannot look up and see the hope that Tony is putting into this when he is certain that this hope will burn to ashes by the end of the day.

He knows from reading over Tony's shoulder that the only new elements Midgardians have managed to create thus-far have done little more than 'decay' – a description that is oddly accurate – usually with deadly consequences to anyone unfortunate enough to be close…. and with this in mind, the only thing that fills him is an icy sense of dread for the moment when Tony will get to watch his last hope crash and burn…. and it hurts more than the ice of the casket seeping into his veins and revealing his true nature.

Out of the corner of eyes half-closed, Loki sees Tony sitting in the center of a bubble of light, looking around in all-consuming wonder and excitement… smiling… laughing, for what feels like the first time in an eternity of despair – and Loki finds he cannot look away from the smile he's wanted to see for so long.

The hollow ache within his chest transforms to a burning pain as he realizes that his watching Tony is perhaps in a way selfish: he still cannot find it in him to hope…. instead he watches now because **this** is how he wants to remember Tony – at home in his own element, in the realm of creation that is his and his alone… and despite the fact Tony is still slipping towards death with the passing of each moment, for the first time in weeks he seems truly alive.

It is not the first time the computer has had to deliver devastating news – and JARVIS cannot help but be truthful in his assessment that this element is impossible to create, but Tony has never accepted limitations before, and the tone of his two-syllable response says that much clearly.

Across the room, Tony's paradoxically clumsy yet oddly emotional robot DUM-E makes a little chirrup that even Loki who did not build the robot recognizes clearly as a gesture of confidence in the mortal, and as he watches Tony's answering unguarded smile, he finds that he cannot watch from the sidelines any longer.

Trotting up to Tony's side as the mortal retrieves a long-handled hammer of all things, Loki meows to announce his presence, and is rewarded by Tony dropping to his knees on the floor and pulling him gently onto his lap. It's hauntingly reminiscent of their goodbye hours earlier, but this time Tony is smiling with a sense of hope and all the excitement that creation brings him, and when the mortal says to him:

"I think I can do this, Loki." it takes an emotional strength Loki had not realized he possessed to purr encouragingly and bury within him the desperation he feels as he rubs his cheeks against Tony's palm, because though he cannot find the strength to believe this will work, Tony deserves his support.

When Tony smiles, Loki knows that he chose the right reaction, and vaguely wonders why the pride that fills him for successfully pulling off yet another deception in a long line of hundreds has rendered his pride for the rest cold and empty by comparison.

He feels useless as he watches Tony labor through the night, pushing a physical body already on the brink of death - even with many of the worst symptoms partially suppressed- harder than Loki is comfortable with, and though Loki is aware of the necessity, he finds himself wishing he could somehow help.

It is not much of a surprise when he finds himself weighing the pros and cons of returning to his Aesir form, ultimately grudgingly admitting that a distraction that big will not help Tony complete this project, even with the added manpower he may be able to provide – if, that is, Tony can still trust him once he realizes his cat is …not a cat.

It definitely is surprising to him, however, when - while watching Tony physically wrestling with the heavy machinery needed to make more holes in his mostly-demolished house, though this time there is a purpose to the further demolition – Loki finds that his desperate wish to help before Tony ends up killing his already-weakened self from sheer exhaustion is strong enough that he'd actually take the help of Thor and his hammer Mjolnir if he could actually bring his brother – correction, not-brother – to this realm.

The fact that the consideration is ridiculous from start to finish, for one thing because Thor's presence would create more questions than Tony has time for (and Loki doubts that it is a good time to test if Tony's electronic equipment is lightning-proof), does nothing to offset how fundamentally disturbing the fact that he even thought of it is, and he pointedly resolves not to think any further as he watches DUM-E trying to help with the enormous power-cables that are dropping through a new hole in the ceiling, courtesy of Tony's latest redecorating with demolition equipment.

It is easy to forget his own internal conflicts when Tony returns, tirelessly stringing together heavy metal tubes to build something that Loki most certainly does not recognize, and Loki finds himself awed by the sheer creative energy and determination that is practically radiating from the dying mortal.

It is only the next day when Tony has finished building what he and JARVIS have termed a 'prismatic accelerator', that Loki feels something akin to hope welling up within him, and tries desperately to stop its growth, only realizing that this new emotion is something subtly different from blind desperate hope.

The feeling welling up within him is a warmth that stems from the pragmatic self-confidence Tony exudes, from the fact that Tony seems to believe this will succeed, even though he knows there is a possibility it will not, and Loki finds himself swept up by the force that is Tony Stark in the throes of creativity, deciding at the end that he can allow himself a few drops of this emotion he needs so desperately to feel – because he has decided that there is a difference between blind hope, and believing in the strengths of someone he loves given even the slimmest chance that they can succeed…. and Tony has more than earned the latter.

He leaps up to the top of a nearby shelf to inspect the giant ring of pipes that Tony has supported levelly on everything from stacks of books to his cars, only to be scooped up into Tony's arms and gently carried to the other side of the room, where Tony sits on top of one now-closed wooden box and gently tells Loki to stay here for his own safety while running caresses through his fur.

Most of it Loki does not understand, but the warning that his previous position was _'in the path of the beam'_ when said beam is going to transmute existing elements into a new one if it works is enough reason for Loki to stay where Tony places him for safety, right next to the clumsy robots which, Loki notes, have been powered down since they might not listen to instructions to stay put.

The darkened glass panel that Tony has set him behind is irritating, but noting the similar material shielding the mortal's eyes, Loki remains behind it, deciding it must have a purpose.

It's almost impossible to watch as Tony activates his newest creation and the hope and fear warring within Loki is nearly unbearable, but he finds the strength to not turn away, determined to see this grand effort through to the end, holding desperately to the memory of Tony's caresses as he finds himself standing on his toes, while his fur stands on end of its own accord, and it is his turn to be literally trembling with nervousness.

Several small fires later, and a house that is now partially sliced through in addition to being hammered, drilled, and blasted repeatedly, JARVIS reports with what seems like satisfaction in his tone that Tony's experiment has succeeded, and as he watches a new reactor no-longer based on palladium flare to life, Loki feels an enormous wave of relief wash over him, leaving him utterly exhausted as he relaxes from the state of unbearable tension filling him moments before- and though it's premature to hope while this new arc-reactor has not been tested fully, Loki cannot hold back the hope welling up within him.

When Tony returns wearing only a robe, in preparation for changing out his reactor should the new one pass diagnostics, he sits at his desk, giving Loki a small smile that shows his own hope, and in the aftermath of the worst emotional pain of his very long life, Loki finds himself utterly wrung-out, and too desperate for the happiness in reach to fight it any longer.

Taking a leap of faith, he jumps onto Tony's lap, rubbing affectionately against Tony's chest, this time his movements fueled by a long-needed hope instead of desperation, and as Tony wraps his arms around, pulling Loki closer, Loki finds himself drifting into sleep that is impossible to resist because in this moment, for the first time since finding out his true heritage, and perhaps for the first time in his life, Loki does not feel trapped by a dismal destiny.

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	18. Chapter 18

A/N:

1) Set shortly after ch 17, if that helps any...

2) If I'm messing this up please let me know...

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Loki is vaguely aware of Tony receiving a phone call, likely from Coulson or someone else from S.H.I.E.L.D., but it is not important enough to command his attention – after all they all seem uniformly boring to him – especially when for the first time in two months he feels able to rest. It is easier to hold onto hope and force himself to relax than to let himself think of how close Tony is to death – or to let himself fear the possibility that this will not work, so instead he forces himself to stay calm.

All his efforts fail when the voice which comes from the speakers is not anything he expected, and he feels Tony go rigid beneath him. The mortal's heart hammers in his chest even as he keeps his voice level – and it is this subtle display that tells Loki more clearly than anything that this caller is extremely bad news for Tony. When the conversation turns to cycles per second, Loki only finds himself more confused. Was this a discussion about miniaturized arc-reactors? Could it be with Tony being the only person in the world who knew how to make one… at least with Ivan Vanko dead?

When Tony comments: "You sound pretty sprightly for a dead guy." reality hits Loki like a punch to the gut, and Loki finds himself so surprised he topples unceremoniously to the floor. He bristles with the realization that this caller has to be Ivan Vanko, alive, and certain enough of his strategic advantage that he is calling Tony in advance of trying to kill him again.

Leaping up to the desk, Loki is certain he cannot possibly be surprised by anything else – but the illusion lasts less than a second, shattered by the next words out of Vanko's mouth: "You too."

Loki only understands those words when he sees Tony's silent reaction - because the world, and even those closest to Tony did not know that he was dying – but apparently Vanko knew…. and based on Tony's quiet sigh, he knew that the other man was aware of the fact.

Anger flares inside him as he realizes that Vanko had known all along that the palladium was killing Tony – not surprising given the other man's knowledge on arc-reactors – he'd known Tony was dying… and still had attacked him on the racetrack in Monaco.

Loki wishes he could imagine it was simply impatience, but he knows too well the mechanics of hate to believe that for a second. With Tony's widely publicized statements to Senate, Vanko had to have known that his actions would bring the entire world down on Tony's back, had to have known that his choices would transform the last days of a man already doomed to a painful death into a living hell…. and he had still done it. Had he also rubbed the fact that he knew Tony was dying in his face when they met in prison? Judging from the hunted, trapped look in Tony's eyes after the fact, that was exactly what had happened…. and the realization leaves Loki quaking with rage until Tony's hand gently smoothes down his fur, even as with the other he mutes his side of the call and tells JARVIS to trace it.

The anger passes, and is replaced with an icy fear spreading through him as he thinks again of the fact that Vanko called Tony a dead man. He wishes he could say it's false – he wishes he could laugh at those words, but on the screen right by him, JARVIS is displaying the results of his latest scan on Tony, including a palladium concentration that has climbed to 98% of lethal toxicity, and for all his hope, his faith in Tony to be able to find the solution that will save him, he cannot lie to himself enough to ignore the fact that if this does not work, Tony will not have the time to try again.

The call disconnects, and Loki can see only too clearly the honest fear in Tony's expression as the mortal realizes that his rival is likely the man backing Vanko – and the fact that if he is correct, Vanko now has the resources to be truly destructive on a far larger scale than before. Then fear morphs into determination, and Tony stands, taking out his old arc-reactor and sliding in the new one despite JARVIS's protests. It does not surprise Loki – who has become used to the fact that when lives are in danger, Tony tends to leap in where others fear to tread – but he still cannot ignore the terror that fills his veins with ice as he sees Tony struggling to breathe while waiting for the new reactor to be accepted by the socket in his chest.

For an agonizing moment, it seems like Tony is choking, perhaps even in pain, and it is only when the mortal's tone shifts from description of the experience for the ever-present purpose of documenting his creations to raw exhilaration that Loki can finally breathe again.

Moments later, Tony scoops him up in his arms, smiling, laughing…. and it is then that the last of Loki's fear melts away. When Tony had installed the new arc-reactor and said it tasted like coconut and metal – whatever a coconut was – Loki had felt a new fear gnawing within his chest: that even if the new reactor was accepted and the new element proved to be stable, if Tony could taste it, there was a chance it was leaking into his body – and perhaps could prove to be even more deadly than the palladium. But this close, Loki can make out the scent of the new element beneath the bitterness of the palladium, and the slightly sweet earthy smell reminds him of childhood memories long forgotten – of himself and Thor as children lying on the Bifrost bridge and stargazing… and now he knows what the element Tony has created is – one he'd never imagined would exist on Midgard – and most importantly he knows it is safe.

He sits in Tony's arms, purring with sheer joy as he rests his head against the mortal's chest, reveling in a heartbeat that is once again strong and steady – and for the first time in as long as he can remember he feels truly happy.

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A/N finally!

oh, and yeah I did take a bit of artistic license with the assumptions about the new element, but I'm figuring its not impossible since the Bifrost bridge was clearly used as a power conduit in the Thor movie, and when not in use, whatever it is theoretically made of is clear...so why not?


	19. Chapter 19

A/N:

1) Set during the final battle with Vanko and the Hammeroids, though there is a slight hybridization with the book version - and the obvious conclusion that no matter what you are wearing, a direct missile strike has got to leave some damage - mostly because it is a very important point in a possible sequel I have already started to write (you all know how plot-bunnies are)

2)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: PrettyPieceOfFlesh, StarkObsessed, cara-tanaka, diane, Rokkis, Basia Orci, peppymint, Happy Anon, and Ellie. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) Again, thanks a million to Diane for the very very in-depth review and the encouragement. It's good to know my little assumption was not outlandish!

I'm assuming Loki does not have enough magic replenished yet to do much so he is an observer (but he will get it back in time...)

As always, your perceptions are very helpful in shaping my writing, and I'm very glad you share them, though in lieu of upcoming finals (which I normally would be having myself soon if not for circumstances that made me take a few semesters off to work - but point is I know toooo well the time-pressure) please don't worry about feedback till they're done and you have time :-)

Good luck, by the way - even the best prepared can always use some!

4) Ellie, thanks a million for your patience and for still hanging in there - as for what Loki is going to do... all in good time... It's coming!

5) Happy Anon, ... ROFL!

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When JARVIS has finished machining parts for the new armor, Tony sets Loki down, running caresses though his fur that finish with a little stroke under his chin as Tony says:

"I'll be right back, Loki …well, I think."

Yet even though Tony seems confident as he says it, and his tone is light, Loki knows by now that this is now Tony deals with his own anxiety, and that alone is enough to rekindle the fear that is forming knots in his stomach.

Based on Tony's discussion with JARVIS, Loki knows that Tony will be flying far enough and fast enough that he cannot hope to follow - as a falcon perhaps - to keep an eye on Tony, and it seems like he will have no choice but to wait at home, yet while watching Tony's armor be assembled onto him, Loki finds that he cannot bear the idea of having to wait, never knowing if Tony will come home alive, and it takes him fractions of a seconds to make a decision he thought he never would.

Shrinking down to an ant again, he darts from his hiding place across the floor, climbing up the metal framework that goes between Tony and the outermost shell of his armor, narrowly avoiding getting crushed as parts are bolted into place. When he makes a quick trek up the back of Tony's neck, he hopes desperately that the mortal will not notice the momentary light pressure – but Tony does, as evidenced by a light shaking of his head. Fortunately for Loki, Tony's hands are already in armor, and he is unsurprisingly not about to stall the entire assembly process to scratch an itch.

As the helmet closes, Loki finds that there is less space in the helmet than he hoped, and the only place he can find that will not risk distracting Tony (or getting crushed) is hanging with all six legs to a piece of metal mesh within the helmet close to one ear. From this position, he can hear everything Tony hears, and though he cannot see much, it is enough to keep him informed.

As Tony blasts off through a hole in his roof turned launch-tunnel, Loki thinks for the first time about the fact that he has put himself in incredible danger by hitchhiking on this ride, but the realization that he could die tonight strangely is the absolute last thing on his mind, perhaps because he does not even want to start thinking of the necessary condition for that to happen.

Ignoring the nagging thought is far easier said than done, and with his concerns come a new shock, because once in the not-too distant past, the though of dying would have left him only regretting that he did so before he got a chance to make his not-family pay dearly for always failing him. Now he's not sure he is even angry about it anymore – he's not sure he cares one way or the other, in fact. Right now the thought of dying terrifies him for really only one reason: it means that the armor has been destroyed, and most likely Tony is dying too.

For the rest of the flight, he tries hard not to think – and instead tries to focus on the joy of flying. Perhaps in this he and Tony have something in common. Loki can tell that Tony enjoys the freedom of flight, and while in the form of a falcon, Loki has flown before, he's going now at least four times faster than ever before.

His present form does not actually appreciate at all the twists and turns – or that the world sometimes turns over – but his mind can still appreciate the experience, and he vaguely wonders if in his Aesir form which seems human enough, he could convince Tony to share the experience with him.

He dismisses the idea as quickly as he'd formed it. After the whole fiasco with Rhodey stealing the armor after Tony had taught him to use it, he doubts Tony will take that leap of faith any time soon – or ever, and then there is the whole issue of having to break to Tony the news that his cat was never a cat, and Loki does not even want to think of how that is going to go down.

It might be selfish, but Loki likes that Tony will trust him with things that he will trust with no other – even if this trust is based on a deception. He likes that he belongs here, that he is loved and accepted, and he does not want to lose that. He consoles himself with the thought that it is not entirely selfish to keep up the deception since perhaps Tony needs him as much as he needs Tony, or at least more accurately, Tony needs someone to confide in, and if his closest confidante is a cat, and his next closest are machines, that is okay.

Loki does not know why he is not horrified at the prospect of choosing to spend the next seventy or so years on this realm as a quadruped animal, because by all rights he should be – but even that option does not hold much merit when he remembers that a cat's lifespan is not that long, and it would not be fair to have to fake dying and leave Tony mourning for him when he is not actually dead. He also acknowledges the part in him that wants to be loved and accepted for who he is, and might want to risk everything he has for the one thing he wants the most….. but some of the chances he took in the recent past got drastically out of hand, and he does not want that to happen either.

He whittles away the rest of the flight-time trying to figure out what to do about this problem, consistently failing to find a satisfactory answer – and then completely forgets even the dilemma when JARVIS starts to pipe to Tony up-to-the-minute footage from the expo, and inching as far forward as he can, Loki is treated to a grainy glimpse of imagery on what Tony has called a HUD showing Tony's rival, a man named Justin Hammer on stage…. dancing?

Loki shakes his head, hard, wondering briefly if after this much emotional pain, he'd finally lost his mind, but the image before him does not change, and after bursting into paroxysms of laughter he cannot suppress, he is grateful that this form is practically mute.

He'd teased Thor mercilessly when Thor had been entrusted with Mjolnir saying that a hammer was a weapon only a retarded ox would use – even though the statement had been fueled by pure hurt and jealousy rather than his personal belief. The fact of the matter was that Thor's hammer was a masterpiece of craftsmanship – and was it here on Midgard, something Tony would have loved to figure out. Nonetheless, the name of Tony's rival was Hammer, and adding to that the fact that from Tony's comments about the man, Hammer had a reputation for making things that did not work, Loki had often wondered if the man would fit the description of a retarded ox perfectly. He'd never thought that the description might be preferable to the truth displayed before his eyes, and finds himself now vaguely considering that this pitiful joke of a man might have been better placed as the court Jester in Asgard.

He holds the idea for all of ten seconds, dismissing it as hopeless when he hears Hammer's speech and decides that Hammer is simply too aggravating, petty, and malicious to be someone he'd want to keep around in any capacity.

Amusement dissipates instantly as Tony flies in closer, and Loki sees what had gotten Tony asking JARVIS for specifications, while Hammer's words about not putting human lives in danger on the battlefield suddenly make sense, because on stage at a central building of the EXPO stand thirty two purely mechanical suits of armor each carrying enough munitions to do serious damage (even from the perspective of someone not well versed in Midgardian warfare) – and designed to function without a human operator. It is when Loki remembers that Ivan Vanko is likely behind this that the fear returns, because if Vanko built these – a possibility that is horrifyingly likely as Hammer's creations usually do not make it past testing – he can turn all that firepower against Tony.

Then Tony lands, almost shaking Loki loose in the process as the world lurches around him again, and the fact only serves as an unwelcome reminder of how much danger he is in. It is rage that takes over however when he sees through Tony's HUD a 33'rd suit of armor that is still recognizable as Tony's stolen Mark II, despite the ungainly armaments welded to it, and inside it is none-other than Rhodey.

Loki knows he should not be surprised – he'd known Rhodey was going to take the Mark II to the military when he'd blasted off into the night rather than staying by Tony's side…. but seeing him in this, at a weapons demonstration by Tony's sniveling malicious rival speaks to Loki of a betrayal far worse than what he'd imagined – and the hurt and anger are so great, he wants nothing more than to kill the man for it, even while reminding himself that Tony would never accept this brand of justice – not where his backstabbing friend was concerned.

He's slightly less angry when he hears a small note of concern in Rhodey's voice when Tony tells him about Vanko, but the hurt and anger return full force when suddenly Rhodey's big gun is pointed between Tony's eyes, and even though he soon realizes that it is not by Rhodey's intentions, the truth is worse.

On the flight over, Loki had briefly dwelt on the possibility that the Hammer-drones were going to be controlled by Vanko against Tony, but he had never imagined that Tony's superior-in-construction Mark II would be used in the same way – for one thing, he had not assumed it would be here. The fact that Rhodey is essentially a hostage trapped in the thing only makes matters worse because while Tony can destroy the drones, Loki knows that Tony will never take a shot at his friend – and that fact alone tips the odds of his surviving this encounter to near-zero.

He is nearly knocked loose by Tony's summersault when the mortal launches the Mark IV into the air to keep the assembled crowd out of the line of fire, but manages to hang on, desperately fighting the rising fear as all thirty-two drones and the massively armed Mark II open fire on Tony.

The horror in Rhodey's pointless protests as the Mark II launches in pursuit of Tony would have felt satisfying in any other situation – but with Tony as the target, all Loki can feel is an icy dread growing in his chest that chills him to the core.

Tony keeps the drones busy chasing him as he launches into evasive maneuvers, even as he asks JARVIS to break into the control system for the armor Rhodey is in, and seconds later, when Rhodey's armor acquires target-lock on Tony and opens fire with everything it got, of the two of them, it is Rhodey who seems terrified – as well he should be, because though Rhodey had willingly taken the armor from Tony, he certainly did not want to be responsible for killing his friend.

Still, Loki cannot hide from the reality that Tony is in grave danger, and though Tony himself is keeping calm even as volleys of bullets and explosives come his way, some of them hitting the Mark IV armor, he recognizes the well-controlled concern in Tony's voice when he asks JARVIS for an update, and when JARVIS reports that he cannot override the Mark II, the terror Loki feels only grows.

Tony takes the revelation far better, remaining focused on the task of destroying as many drones as possible while keeping the fleeing civilians safe. He makes a fast change of path at the last moment letting some of the pursuing drones be destroyed by a volley meant for him, and sometimes he returns fire with his repulsors – but he never shoots at the armor Rhodey is in, even though that is the one most likely to catch him at the end – and the one doing the most damage to his own.

As if in answer to Loki's growing fears, the weaponized Mark II fires a missile at Tony, and no words can describe his horror when Tony quickly scans the area, finally choosing not to engage in evasive maneuvers because there is no place for the missile to detonate which will not involve civilian casualties, and instead stays on course, letting the missile hit him despite the risks.

The shockwave knocks Loki from his perch and sends him sliding down the side of the faceplate, where he barely manages to hang on. He never though an ant could get motion sickness, but the current pounding of his head and unbearable nausea proves differently, and when he finally regains his footing and climbs back up, he sees that Tony's HUD is filled with warnings from JARVIS, both showing extensive mechanical damage to the armor, and a physical scan revealing at least two cracked ribs.

Still in flight with Rhodey locked on and perhaps preparing to fire again, Tony still will not return fire, and it is at this moment that Loki is reminded both of Tony's courage and the bitter irony that a man repeatedly labeled by the world as self-centered always puts the lives of others before his own – and for all his past reservations about this type of behavior, Loki cannot help but love Tony all the more for it, even as he simultaneously hates the danger it puts him in.

He takes a breath of relief when after a few trajectory computations for himself and Rhodey, Tony flies his armor on a complicated path through a rotating metal globe, emerging safe on the other side of the sphere while all his hostile entourage - aside from Rhodey's suit - are destroyed by their sheer inability to maneuver fast enough, yet something aches deep within him when Tony apologizes to a clearly-shaken Rhodey for what must have been a scary experience - despite the fact that the apologies should be going the other way… because he cannot help but ask: is this the true meaning of friendship? Is it loving those who you call 'friend' even when they have failed you? Even if they have hurt you?

There are limits obviously to what can be forgiven – and clearly Tony's limits allow for more than Loki's…. but how much is too much? Where does one draw the line?

All his life Loki had believed that wrongs had to be avenged, that forgiveness was an intolerable weakness, but though he still would like to kill Rhodey for betraying Tony, and all the more so now that this betrayal has put Tony's life in grave danger, Tony clearly does not share the sentiment, yet Loki cannot find it in himself to call Tony weak - because nothing could be further from the truth.

Tony has survived a lifetime of hurts and trials that would have broken others, and for all the pain and loneliness that has eaten at the mortal for so long, he still managed to not become destructive, instead choosing to use his abilities for the benefit of an entire world even when it frequently repaid his sacrifices with ingratitude and merciless scorn …. and this inner strength is the most amazing thing Loki has ever known a person – any person - to possess.

All philosophical musings are driven from his mind as suddenly the weaponized Mark II swoops in from beyond the range of Tony's sensors, driving him crashing into the ground, and the choked yell of pain torn from Tony's lips as he slams into the unyielding ground hurts Loki in an almost physical way – yet it is nothing compared to the icy fear gripping his chest as Tony tackles the other suit of armor and ends up pinned to the ground beneath its additional mass.

He's see fights end up like this – the person pinned down usually is hurt the worst, sometimes even dies - and not even the fact that Tony is wearing a magnificent coat of armor can assuage the horror ripping through Loki when that enormous automatic gun is suddenly in Tony's face again, and the hands of the Mark II are doing everything they can to rip off Tony's armor – because Loki knows that Tony cannot defend himself forever from this many threats.

This is the end – Rhodey knows as much if Loki is to judge from the pure horror in his voice as he calls Tony's name. Tony knows it too, if Loki is to judge from the hammering of Tony's heart within his chest, yet Tony still will not fire back - even though at this range a blast from his chest RT will likely destroy the other suit of armor - he will not risk hurting his friend even now that one of them will likely have to die, and that truth burns into Loki's chest as deeply as the fact that Tony is literally staring death in the face yet again.

Then suddenly it is over – somehow, as if in answer to Loki's most desperate wishes - the Mark II armor shuts down, and both it and Tony are hurled into the air by the force of Tony's struggle against it. Tony lands on his feet, while Rhodey goes down and does not move, likely knocked unconscious by a collision not cushioned by the armor.

Before Loki has a chance to wonder how this happened, he has his answer, in the form of Natasha Romanoff contacting Tony on his HUD and telling him she had rebooted the Mark II. For the first time, Loki is somewhat grateful for her presence, even though he still does not trust her – and it is only when suddenly Pepper's voice is coming through that his world turns over again.

Now that Pepper has found by accident about the terrible weight Tony had borne alone all this time, everything about her demeanor has changed, and the shock and regret in her tone is genuine as she frantically verifies the fact. Her next words "Why didn't you tell me that?" leave Loki wondering if faced with this revelation, she regrets decisions she made before, regrets judging Tony and treating him as unworthy of her time…. and though her tone becomes more defensive afterwards, there is a pain and desperation burning within it that makes Loki wonder if perhaps yesterday he was wrong about Pepper.

He also wonders why the agent could have possibly had reason to call Pepper who was far from central to the action, and wonders if it was her way of clueing in Pepper to the reality she had missed for so long… if so then it is possible that the walking deception has a heart, and Loki may again have to update his assessment of her.

It is not the time to figure either question out though, not with the surviving drones inbound and bent on destruction, and as Tony kneels by the now-inert Mark II and tries to wake up Rhodey, Loki finds himself thinking bitterly about the agent's words from moments earlier: _"You have your best friend back."_

He doubts that Rhodey deserves the title anymore – not after betraying the trust Tony had given him by teaching him to use the armor, and in so doing almost getting Tony killed – but at the same time he knows the past fifteen minutes have forced Rhodey to think long and hard about his actions, and there was no mistaking the genuine pain and horror in Rhodey's tone when he'd called Tony's name moments earlier, while faced with the reality that Tony could be killed any second by a suit of armor he'd stolen and had weaponized.

Loki reflects that perhaps he does not want to kill Rhodey anymore, even though he still wants to make him suffer, and when Rhodey finally awakens and opens the faceplate of his armor (as much as the Mark II will ever be his) Loki is forced to fight back the visceral urge to punch the man's lights out, while he's vaguely disappointed when instead of slamming a metal-clad fist into the Rhodey's now-unprotected face, Tony smiles and helps him to his feet, asking if he is okay.

Finally no-longer forced to opposite sides, Tony and Rhodey stand there in a momentary silence that feels oppressive to Loki, perhaps because this is the first time since Rhodey's betrayal that he and Tony are together again, or perhaps it is because beneath Tony's relief there is still a shadow of hurt in his expression. The silence is broken when Rhodey apologizes – for not trusting Tony when he should have. To Loki it is not enough, but though Tony brushes it off by shouldering the blame, he knows that this admission has helped to ease a pain within Tony that would have otherwise been buried within and borne alone – and apparently for Tony it is enough.

This time when the drones attack, Rhodey is there backing up Tony, and though compared to the frequently airborne Tony, he has all the mobility of a paperweight - courtesy of the mass of all those added conventional munitions – he still manages to be useful, enough at least that Loki feels marginally less angry at him.

It is Tony who ends the fight decisively, with a couple of new weapons that were obviously inspired by the effectiveness of Tony's accelerator in slicing his house in half, and once again, Loki can only think of the fact that here was yet another sure-victory Tony had chosen not to take when he'd been pitted against his friend – and for the first time he wonders what in his life would have turned out differently had he been willing to extend the same unconditional friendship to those who had been close to him yet failed him repeatedly all the same.

For the third time today, Loki's thoughts are rudely interrupted by unwelcome reality, and this time the bad news is Vanko's arrival. While not surprising in and of itself, the fact that apparently Vanko had taken a hint from Tony and created armor is disturbing.

When Rhodey launches a mini-missile termed the ex-wife at Vanko, Loki vaguely wonders which idiot would have named a weapon that, since while he is aware that while an ex-wife might be some men's worst nightmare, it is hardly the most destructive force around. Then after a flashy launch buildup the missile goes off with a harmless and truly pathetic whimper, and Loki hardly needs Tony's words to confirm who made this weapon – and who likely named it as well – making it easy to see why Tony had once said that he doubted Hammer would ever invent anything that worked.

The fact that even Tony's armaments cannot penetrate Vanko's armor quickly forces Loki's amusement to be replaced with fear, and the feeling only grows when a slash from one of those whips rips a deep gash in Tony's armor, much too close to his arc-reactor for comfort.

Still between the highly agile and frequently airborne Tony and the heavily armed and far-less mobile Rhodey, they keep Vanko busy enough that he cannot concentrate his destructive efforts on either of them alone – which is a positive, even if perhaps the only positive in this situation.

Loki quickly finds himself questioning Rhodey's helpfulness in this fight when Tony – already having one of those whips eating through the armor covering his neck and unable to free himself – has to give a tremendous heave to pull Vanko back, stopping him from crushing underfoot a downed Rhodey, who seconds later ends up with the other whip around his neck as he struggles to his knees.

More generally – and in more fairness - Loki finds himself loosing hope again, because none of the weapons remaining in the possession of either Tony or Rhodey seem likely to penetrate Vanko's armor, and in the meantime, there is not much time left before his whips completely vaporize their armor at the points of contact, and then burn unimpeded through vulnerable flesh.

To Tony's credit he keeps calm even now, determined to think his way to a solution, however slim the chances of one existing are. When he seems to have made a decision, the words he speaks are the last thing Loki would have ever imagined: "Rhodes, I have an idea…. You want to be a hero?"

It has to be a hint, but based on the "what?" that comes across the HUD to HUD connection, Rhodey is extremely confused as well, and the fact does not encourage Loki particularly.

When Tony finishes: "I could really use a sidekick…. put your hand up!", and engages the targeting system for his repulsors, suddenly Loki understands Tony's idea, understands that Tony's words have to be a reference to his birthday – and are a code of sorts for Rhodey, and when Rhodey's tone changes to disbelief, Loki knows that the other mortal gets the point as well – which is more than can be said for the oblivious and apparently overconfident Vanko.

Bracing for what he knows will be a tremendous impact, if the destruction of Tony's house is anything to go by, Loki sacrifices his ability to see by backing up onto terrain that affords him a better hold.

It is only after the repulsors blasts meet and Tony gets to his feet once more that he allows himself the luxury of stepping forward to see once again, and breathes a sigh of relief in seeing that Vanko has gone down permanently. He smiles inwardly at the fact that Tony and Rhodey together managed to make a bad event into something useful, and reflects that there might be a chance that forgiveness is not a mistake after all.

When the fallen drones and Vanko's armor become high-yield explosives, and Tony leaps into maximum-speed flight to reach Pepper, Loki still has not reached a conclusion, but he finds himself too concerned with Tony's concerns to insist upon finding one at the moment.

On a separate note, he can also hear a building crackle of leaking electrical power within the helmet, likely from the damage Vanko's whips caused, and it is far too close for comfort, especially given the fact that Tony is too busy forcing his armor to clearly unsafe speeds to be concerned about a few potential short-circuits.

When Tony's HUD zeroes in on Pepper, Loki knows that Tony's concern was well founded, because there she stands in the ruins of the Expo structure where this whole mess had started… and not more than ten feet from her on the ground is a destroyed drone about to explode.

It is almost comically ironic that Pepper – who had been watching the blinking red light with a silent mixture of curiosity and fear – finally screams when Tony appears out of nowhere to grab her and blast into the air again, carrying her to the nearest safe rooftop.

When the electrical leak in the helmet reaches a threshold where it starts sparking on the inside, Loki would scream too if he could, but fortunately it stops as power to the damaged circuits is cut by Tony who is forced to remove it - fast – and it is from inside a now quiet and thankfully inert helmet that Loki watches Pepper's admittedly-justified mini-meltdown while his exhausted ant-form slumps bonelessly to the bottom of the structure.

From outside the armor, he can see the full extent of the damage to it: bullet-holes, dents and scorching from missiles, deep gashes where even the gold-titanium alloy was flash-vaporized by the whips… the list of damages goes on and while at some level, Loki knows that the fact that Tony is still walking and talking at the end of a fight like this - with injuries that are strictly not life-threatening – is a testimonial to his engineering genius and the protective value of his armor, he still cannot suppress a shudder at the sight before him.

As always though, Tony's greatest vulnerability is not the battered mortal form beneath the armor, but rather his emotions, and Loki notices a well-buried note of heartfelt sorrow in Tony's tone as he tells Pepper: "You deserve better." – Because though he's talking about the position of CEO, Loki knows that there is a part of Tony that has always doubted being worthy of Pepper's affections, and in this moment is thinking _'You deserve better than me'_.

Tony goes on, and the words leave an unfamiliar ache in Loki's chest, because at face value they are not true based on recent events, and seem to be only a shiny cover beneath which all the pain and loneliness that have been his only companions for so long are hidden:

"You've taken such good care of me…. I've been in a tough spot and you got me through it, so…"

Then the conversation is back to the usual deflection, with perhaps a touch of desperation and a paradoxical yearning to admit the truth that is shared by both of them.

It should not hurt when it is expected by now, yet it still burns deep when Pepper tells Tony that days are like dog-years with him, and the honest resigned pain is back in his voice as he replies: "I know.", because Loki cannot help but observe that even after all this, she is still managing to inadvertently hurt Tony…. but this time perhaps Pepper realizes it too because she tries to modify the statement with an analogy less hurtful – though if it is a success by any measure is doubtful.

Loki knows only too well the desperation that is subtly manifested in Tony's expression – he remembers it from that morning at the office with the fateful strawberries – and knows that again, Tony needs, more than anything else, to not be told that he is a burden. This time though, instead of tossing her a ball, or trying to verbalize the truth about his feelings for her, he kisses her, and when afterwards she does not revert to defense even given the option, Loki cannot help but feel a dangerous hope well up within him.

The moment is broken by Rhodey – who picks possibly the worst moment to announce his presence before flying off amidst Tony's half-hearted protests – but Tony seems content enough in the moment that Loki is not particularly concerned about Rhodey, the Mark II, or the military.

They do not kiss again that night, even when Tony flies Pepper back to the ground level, and then calls his jet to take them home, but there is a subdued aura of heartfelt happiness filling Tony now that he has told Pepper – or more accurately showed her – about his feelings for her, and Loki can only ride the wave of hope and horror filling him as he desperately prays that Pepper does indeed reciprocate Tony's feelings for her - with the same magnitude - and that their rooftop kiss was not simply fueled by shock and desperation… and maybe even guilt…. because now more than ever before, now that he has opened his heart to her, Tony is truly vulnerable, and the idea scares Loki more than he likes to admit.

Loki remains safely lodged in the helmet, even when it is joined by the rest of the mangled pieces of the Mark VI, watching a battered and exhausted Tony sink into sleep on one of the nearby couches – and in the ensuing silence, he cannot help but think back to Tony's words: _"I've been in a tough spot and you got me through it"_ because they are not true at face-value, yet they are not a lie either.

Pepper had failed to be there for Tony at this darkest time in his life, largely because she did not know what he was going though, and made all the wrong assumptions – but it would not surprise Loki to learn that Tony had kept fighting to survive for her sake… for as long as he could, even when it was a battle he knew was lost.

It certainly was ironically true that though she had rejected him yesterday in the office, it was there that he saw the message his father had hidden for him… and though Pepper had not listened, it was Tony's love for her that had brought him there that day and had ultimately saved him.

For the first time Loki wonders if sometimes the greatest gift that love brings is from within oneself, not from others – and realizes that perhaps his eventual choice to ignore his own higher emotions because they kept getting him hurt, had perhaps broken him more than anyone or anything else ever could.

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	20. Chapter 20

A/N:

1) Set after the final battle with Vanko and the Hammeroids, based on the assumption in the book that Rhodey is not going back to the military with the suit. Also the prank referred to at MIT did happen, sometime back in the 90s, look it up if you want.

Finally I apologize if Rhodey seems OOC here -I don't think he is since while he can be a real military hard-ass, he also got a soft side that we see a bit more in the first movie where he finds Tony in the desert, and again right after the Stane incident. Of course different actors, I know, but they're supposed to be the same character... Anyway, sorry if he is.

2)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, Ellie, Anon, PrettyPieceOfFlesh, StarkObsessed, Basia Orci, ScreamsOnScreen, KiwisS, and Syeliighr. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) KiwisS, thanks a million for the the review, and please don't be sorry - I think we all here understand being otherwise engaged!

Anon, thanks a million to you too - and please, don't bite your lips, that's supposed to by my habit after all ;-)

4) sorry for the delay, I have family over for the holidays, still, and things are busy, but I'll update my stories again ASAP!

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Late the next evening, Loki is napping by Tony's side on the couch in the shop – which still looks like a disaster zone – and for once he is as sore and exhausted as the mortal, so he is more than a little annoyed when JARVIS awakens them with the information that Rhodey is inbound – still in the weaponized Mark II.

The annoyance he feels only grows further when Rhodey attempts to land through the launch tunnel that Tony routinely uses, but courtesy of the added bulk, gets wedged in the ceiling of the shop with only his feet hanging inside, which forces Tony to put back on his battered armor to attain the force needed to pull Rhodey the rest of the way through, along with a good portion of the ceiling.

Loki had mostly calmed down in regards to Rhodey's actions – at least to the extent that at this point he only wants to hurt him, not kill him – but as he watches Tony, his Tony, now out of the armor again but still injured and tired, working hard to remove the parts of the Mark II that are too battered or too modified for his own robotic assembly platform to manage, the anger and resentment wells back up inside him.

It is somewhat amusing when the faceplate comes off the Mark II and Loki can see Rhodey's shock as he takes in the latest damage to the shop which is followed by the natural question:

"What happened here?"

Usually Tony would deflect the question, but perhaps he is tired of doing so – or perhaps he's distracted enough by the challenge of removing jammed bolts from the back of the armor without injuring his friend – because he looks up momentarily to see what Rhodey is looking at and answers honestly – even casually, his words painfully clear despite the small screwdriver perched between his front teeth:

"Oh, that – well, the Palladium was killing me, and none of the known elements could replace it … so I had to synthesize a new one…. which I actually didn't think of until yesterday…. and it was not …..."

Even Loki misses the rest of Tony's words as he watches Rhodey react to the horrifying truth – as the man's body gives a violent jolt even though his armored limbs are held by various pieces of machinery – and his eyes widen in shock, pain and finally guilt.

He sees Rhodey open his mouth to speak as emotions cycle through him: shock, anger, guilt, loss, disbelief, among many others –and they are only too easy to see because he has no reason to hide them when Tony is still working behind him and cannot see his face. Finally he manages to grind out in an attempt at a flat tone that still cannot hide the abject terror lacing it:

"The palladium was killing you? That's what those marks on your neck were?... you were **dying**?"

It is the tone that makes Tony look up, and realize what he has so casually admitted to seconds earlier – but now he knows he cannot take it back, that even if he does Rhodey knows now and he cannot change it. Finally he sighs wearily, even as he tries to make light of the situation:

"Uh, yes…. but not anymore - I'm fine now….."

Before he can say anything else remotely assuring, Rhodey cuts in, his voice angry and hurt:

"Jesus, Tony – how long have you known?"

Tony sighs lightly, hesitates before deciding to go for the truth:

"About the palladium poisoning me? Two months…. about there being no possibility of replacing it? Three weeks."

Loki can only watch as the anger and hurt in Rhodey's expression melts away leaving only crushing guilt and regret, and the mortal says quietly, his tone still more horrified than anything:

"All this time you have been preparing for your death… the Expo, the stuff you've been donating – driving in Monaco… what was that – a last wish or that you didn't have much left to loose?"

This time Tony does not answer – but his silence says enough, and when after what feels like an eternity, Rhodey speaks again, his voice brittle:

"Your birthday party?"

Rhodey abruptly falls silent – before his voice can break – before he has to admit how much he hates himself for how he handled it now that he knows what Tony was having to suffer all alone – before the expression that is clearly written on his features which Tony who is still working behind him cannot see leaks into his tone – but Tony takes his silence for disapproval, after all he certainly has gotten enough of it from Rhodey recently, and he says quietly:

"It was going to be my last birthday – and I didn't want to think about the fact – didn't want to think about how little time I had left…. I did not want my entire life to be pointless at the end."

If possible the pain that shows on Rhodey's features deepens as the meaning of those words sinks in, and he can only say quietly, voicing the thoughts that are coalescing in his mind:

"That's why you wore the armor – it was sort of all you had left?"

Tony simply shrugs and does not respond as he moves to Rhodey's front while he busies himself with the removal of some dented leg armor and his expression becomes closed off again, but now everything has become only too painfully clear to Rhodey, and when he finally speaks again the fact that he is terrified of the answer is only too clear:

"How long did you have after that?"

Loki can see Tony weighing the options for what seems like forever, finally answering in a tone so casual it makes his chest ache:

"Two days, plus or minus."

Again Loki sees a violent tremor of visceral horror run through Rhodey as he looks down at Tony who is kneeling in front of him. It is only when Tony senses Rhodey's gaze and looks up that Rhodey says quietly, no longer able to hide the guilt and grief choking his tone:

"I would have never seen you after that day – never had the chance to apologize…. I'm so sorry."

Tony's answering small smile is sad, but genuine – perhaps because it is good to know that he would have truly been missed – and then it gives way to a more confident and wider one that is there for Rhodey's benefit as he says encouragingly:

"But you see, I solved the problem…. and besides, it's not your fault I decided to set a new record for drinking in public… I put you in that situation."

When Rhodey cuts in, stopping Tony, his tone is angry, but Loki knows it's more anger at himself than anyone else, and he finds he cannot hold it against the man:

"That was your fault, I agree, but it is my fault I didn't trust you enough, my fault I assumed that was just you setting a new record for irresponsibility when you deserve better…."

Rhodey takes a calming breath, studiously not looking at a clearly shocked Tony, finally finishing tiredly:

"… my fault I didn't see that you were hurting, that you were dealing with something terrible alone..."

Finally Tony stands, having removed the leg armor and says encouragingly, gently even, while he removes a few last screws from the chest-armor:

"Hey, hey – its okay, I didn't tell you, and I've never expected you to read minds – so … we're good."

And Loki cannot help but think of all the people in his life who had failed to be there for him in the ways he needed them most – cannot help but ask himself if blaming them for not seeing what to him was painfully obvious was not entirely fair – but he's still to tired to want to dwell on it, his head is still pounding from the day before, and he tiredly curls up on the end of the couch and simply watches.

Rhodey seems calmer now –until Tony walks around and tugs free the now disassembled shoulder and back armor, commenting in a joking tone:

"A big gun on the shoulder? Whatever happened to aesthetics?"

But for some reason Rhodey does not laughingly point out that modern warfare had very little indeed to do with aesthetics in general, and a tank is more than ample proof of the fact.

Instead he takes a deep breath, trying – and failing – to stop the tremors running though him, and it is only when the last of the armor is removed and Rhodey collapses forward, stopped from hitting the floor only by Tony who catches him, that Loki realizes he is witnessing what he can only guess is a full-blown panic attack, and thought he would have never expected this from Rhodey of all people, the next words that Rhodey whispers while he clings desperately to Tony make it understandable, because they are only too true:

"Goddamnit Tony, I almost killed you last night."

The words make anger flare up within Loki again, because he knows they are true – because he cares for Tony and does not want to forgive someone who risked his life after betraying his trust – but he can also see how shaken Rhodey is, and cannot find in himself the desire to hurt the mortal any more than he is already hurting himself, so he simply makes room on the couch for the two of them as Tony leads Rhodey over and sits down next to him, reassuring him that it is not true because Rhodey was not in control of the suit that was shooting at him – but that fact is hardly relevant to Rhodey who points out bitterly:

"But I was in it – because I took it from you – and with me there you would not return fire…. even when….."

He buries his face in his hands as he finishes miserably:

"You should have taken the shot, you could have…. when we were inside the dome… and I still don't know what terrified me more back there – that fact that you should have taken it and risked killing me, or the fact that I knew you wouldn't do it."

The silence that follows drags on for what seems like an eternity, until Tony reaches out and puts a bruised arm around Rhodey's shoulders, saying gently:

"Yeah, well, the way I see it, you saved my life – when you wouldn't give up looking for me despite the fact that everyone else had… so I owed you one."

Rhodey does not reply, but he does turn slightly to meet Tony's gaze, and is rewarded by a small genuine smile, which then widens almost mischievously as he says:

"Besides – if I let anything happen to you, who else would put up with my shit…. mostly?"

Rhodey looks down at those words, but Tony is not willing to let his friend sulk, and he bounces against Rhodey's side, jostling him back to the present, laughing as he says:

"You remember back at MIT the time we hid the door to the president's office?..."

Loki suddenly sits up, wanting to hear more – because after all, what does he like more than a good prank, but Tony does not elucidate further, he does not need to after all since Rhodey was right there with him, and Loki finds himself mildly disappointed, but he gets an idea of what they had done when Rhodey finally breaks into laughter despite the fact that he clearly did not want to, and gasps out between fits of laughter:

"You remember how many people kept going in circles trying to find the door…"

And then Tony is laughing too, and as minutes turn into hours while Tony and Rhodey drive away the dark clouds of hurt and guilt with the good memories they have shared, Loki can only look at Tony's expression – at features that in the moment seem ten years younger and unusually peaceful – and he too smiles internally.

Eventually Tony's thoughts return to the present, and he asks Rhodey why he came here instead of going to Edwards AFB, and when Rhodey tells Tony that he could not – that his official story was that the Mark II (or War Machine as the military called it) had been rigged to explode also, and that he and Tony had barely managed to get him out of it before that happened – Loki finds that perhaps he can forgive Rhodey – mostly anyway, and when Tony quietly thanks Rhodey for his choice, for the first time Loki is convinced that there are situations where forgiveness is the best option of all, and though he does not know if this applies to any of the failed relationships of his life, for the first time, considering the possibility does not feel like a foolish mistake.

...

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	21. Chapter 21

A/N:

1) Sorry for the long wait!, and as usual, please let me know if I mess this up.

2)Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: Lancaeriel Peredhil, cara-tanaka, Basia Orci, peppymint, 3rdbase101, HKay, Beloved Daughter, sekmarkspn, Miravisu, and WynterRavenheart. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) To 3rdbase101 and the individual who PM'ed me about it, thanks a million for pointing out the lack-of-contractions error in the previous chapter, which I am fixing with this posting!

4) As I usually forget to mention, I own nothing!

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...

Rhodey ends up staying for the night in one of the guest rooms, but awakens very early, having to, as he explains to JARVIS, perform damage control, and make sure his cover story is intact. He does commit to returning the next morning to assist his friend with repairs to his shop where he knows Tony will not let anyone else assist him, insisting that with Tony injured - largely because of his decisions - he owes his friend this much.

Though he is no longer planning revenge on the mortal, Loki still feels the need to express his disapproval of the man's actions, so as Rhodey turns to leave, he finds Loki sitting regally (as regally as a cat can, complete with a slowly flicking tail showing his disapproval) blocking his path.

Even in this form, it is apparent that Loki still can appear imperious and condescending, because Rhodey stops momentarily considering him, adding casually after a moment of silence:

"You are terribly opinioned, for a cat."

Loki hisses in response to his, irritated by what sounds like an offhand dismissal of his rightful criticism, but he falls silent as Rhodey drops to one knee, saying wearily as he reaches out to pet Loki:

"It's true though… I screwed up…. and I'm not sure I deserve Tony's friendship anymore."

It is the sheer emotional pain in those words that stops Loki from clawing at the hand that runs a single stroke across his side before the mortal straightens up and exits the house, muttering to himself:

"Great, now I've started talking to the cat."

Rather than dwelling on either those words, or the troublesome questions about his past and the failed relations in it which have been rising up in hi mind unbidden all night, Loki returns to where Tony is sleeping and curls up by the his side, letting the steady beating of Tony's heart soothe him to sleep.

When Tony finally awakens, it is hours later than his usual, but not surprising considering how much rest his body needs after all the damage that has been done to it.

After feeding himself and Loki, Tony begins to bring some order to the chaos that fills his shop, apparently choosing to leave the heaviest of the work for when he will have help – a simple action that tells Loki beyond any doubt that the physical battering of two nights prior has left him in more pain than he has admitted to … anyone.

Naturally JARVIS knows the extent of Tony's injuries, but just as Loki does, he also knows by now that getting the mortal to actually give his body all the rest it needs is a lost cause.

Despite this fact though, Loki feels relief as he watches the energy and enthusiasm that had once filled Tony Stark come back, and he feels a comforting warmth fill him as in the middle of cleaning up, Tony stops to tell JARVIS - at his usual rapid-fire pace - the specifications for a new enhancement to his flight stabilizers.

He seems like he intends to design the parts immediately using his holographic design software, but he stops abruptly when Pepper arrives and enters the shop, looking significantly more weary than she had the previous evening when after finishing up at Stark Industries the damage control for the day, Tony had sent her home to get some much needed rest.

Instantly he is crossing the room, asking gently:

"Pepper, are you ok?"

Despite the hope Loki had clung to, it is the fears of two nights prior that tear at him as he watches this unfold, and perhaps Tony feels the same because there is an uncharacteristic hesitance in the soft tone he has spoken with, an unspoken and almost perfectly hidden fear of loosing the one thing he needs the most…. and in the unbearably long seconds that Pepper takes to answer, all Loki can think of is how he dreads Pepper telling Tony that their kiss had been a mistake, and that a relationship between them can never work.

In the six months that he has lived with Tony, Loki has learned to read even the best concealed of the mortal's emotions from his expression and body language alone, and he knows that even as he asks, Tony dreads the next words out of Pepper's mouth.

Unexpectedly, Pepper breaks eye-contact, turning and walking past Tony as she sets a hesitant hand on a now-inert pipe of the accelerator, saying in a voice choked by regret:

"You were dying….. and I didn't even know."

Confused and cautious, Tony moves to her side, offering in a firm but gentle tone:

"You couldn't have known."

When Pepper turns to face him, she gives him a bitter smile that has absolutely nothing happy in it as she says angrily:

"Yes, I could have – I should have…. you were giving me all these signs….. the donations, the Expo, making me CEO, racing in Monaco….. your birthday….. what you told me on the plane…."

She takes a deep breath in a futile effort to calm herself, before finishing explosively:

"You gave the entire god-damned world all these signs and after all these years of knowing you….I still didn't see any of them!"

She lurches away from Tony in anger just as he reaches out to comfort her, but then just as abruptly comes to a stop as her shoulders shake violently with the force of a sob, and she whispers:

"You were hurting… and I didn't know."

This time she does not pull away when Tony pulls her into his embrace, whispering to her: "It's okay, Pepper…It's okay."

She pulls out of his embrace replying sadly:

"No it's not."

And in an almost predictable fashion they fall into an argument from there, but there is more at stake this time, and though Loki is certain from watching this exchange that Pepper does indeed reciprocate Tony's feelings, it is a far cry from an assurance that they indeed have a chance at being together.

Tony insists gently, sadly even:

"I didn't want you to know…. I didn't want to watch you mourn for me…. and even if I'd told you, it wouldn't have made a difference."

This time when Pepper smiles at Tony, the expression is one of pure sadness, and her voice breaks with tears as she says:

"If I'd known…. I would have done everything in my power to make the last…. days of your life … as happy as they could have been."

Tony replies quickly but in a tone that lacks all his usual assuredness: "I know."

Still it is enough to shock Loki, and Pepper as well, if he is to judge from her incredulous:

"You know?"

It is Tony who sighs, before admitting quietly, a strange sense of resignation in his tone:

"Well, I knew it would be either that or you would leave me… and I didn't want to spent what was left of my life without you."

For a second Pepper seems like she is about to argue, but the defiance on her features melts away as fast as it had appeared, and she only sighs, knowing - just as Loki does - that Tony's concern was justified, knowing that she has threatened to leave him before, telling him she was unwilling to watch him kill himself, and though Tony had been doomed to a certain death by the very device that was keeping him alive, he had also known that by continuing his duties as Ironman, Tony was bringing about his own death exponentially faster – a truth which would have inevitably come up sooner or later.

When Tony speaks again, the grief and uncertainty that weighs upon him leaks into his voice:

"…. But most of all, I didn't want you to feel pressured into doing anything you would regret."

This time, Pepper shakes her head and is about to argue, but Tony presses on, the insistence in his quiet tone despite the fact that it is breaking with sorrow silencing any reply she may have had, as he says:

"I've cared for you for a long time, but the first time I realized how much you meant to me… was in Afghanistan… when I thought I was going to die, and it was your voice I heard calling my name.

You were the reason I kept going then … just as you have always been my reason to keep fighting each time I have faced death."

Tony swallows hard, struggling to keep his voice level while he reaches for Pepper's hands, taking them gently in his own even as Loki sees from Tony's expression that he is bracing for rejection:

"I love you Pepper – I always will, but I understand if you do not feel the same…. you have more than enough good reasons not to…. and I didn't want you to feel like…."

Finally Pepper cuts him off, moving a hand to rest against his cheek as she says gently, smiling through the tears that fall:

"But that's where you are wrong, Tony…the only difference it would have made is that I wouldn't have kept telling myself that it would make things weird…. or that it wasn't the right time to tell you…. I would have told you the truth: that I love you…. and the hell with the consequences."

Finally Tony smiles, hope burning bright within him as he asks:

"So can we see where this goes?"

Pepper's answer though silent is definitive: She kisses him.

This kiss is just as desperate as the one on that rooftop had been, fueled by the knowledge of how close they had come to loosing each other, but when it ends, this time, they stay locked in an embrace for what feels like an eternity, foreheads touching and eyes closed – a simple gesture that somehow reassures Loki that Tony does after all have a chance at finding happiness with the woman he loves, and though Loki is probably forgotten in this moment, it does nothing to taint the flood of genuine pure happiness filling him.

When night falls, Tony and Pepper make themselves comfortable cuddled under blankets on some of the less damaged pieces of furniture left in the living room, 'stargazing' as they say - though that in reality translates to a lot of conversational bonding and gazing at each-other.

Pepper drifts off to sleep first, and as Tony cradles her closer, looking down at her sleeping features that are lit by the bluish glow of his arc-reactor, even though his shirt, he smiles in a rare expression of true contentment before letting sleep overtake him as well.

Loki stands sentinel over the pair, finally turning his gaze to the stars, and for the first time he thinks of his former home, practically invisible from Midgard but ever-present. He thinks of his brother – correction: not-brother – who, Loki realizes in light of all he has learned here in this world, had actually loved Loki, despite his numerous failures to perceive what Loki had really needed from him so many times.

Like Pepper, Thor had missed out on Loki's subtle signs of despair, not noticed as Loki had slipped further and further into loneliness and depression – but it had never been out of malice.

That is enough for Loki, and though he is certain that what he had once is lost forever, the fact that he had indeed been loved does matter, enough that he wants to have another chance with Thor, enough that he wants to apologize for his actions against him when they had last been together – and even though he cannot escape the well-justified fear that once Thor knows the truth about Loki's identity, the Thunderer will hate him ... even though aside from their truly different heritage he knows that his actions have forfeited him the title 'brother' more so than perhaps blood ever could … for the first time since falling to this realm, he wishes to be called 'brother' once again.

He wishes to regain the love that he had for so long not recognized, and very likely destroyed, and even though he reminds himself it is a futile hope, in this moment the fact that he wishes for it is enough.

Loki curls up on the back of the couch and drifts off to sleep, feeling more at peace than he has in centuries.

...

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	22. Chapter 22

Hello, everyone!

Before anyone gives up hope, I have not abandoned writing these fics, nor all you wonderful people who have encouraged me so much!

I apologize for the fact that this is not an update, but rather an explanation, because the situation certainly calls for one. (I'll replace this with an actual chapter soon)

Though I'd like to say that my absence was due to a surprise vacation, it was far less pleasant, involving an accident on the ranch where I work, three broken fingers and a (still present) cast on my right hand.

To compund matters, a very-much-loved but sadly computer-illiterate family member who was letting me stay with her while learning to fend for myself with just my non-dominant hand manages to get my laptop a virus which corrupted my hard drive, AVG not-withstanding, so I am writing this on a public computer at the library.

The good news though is that when I got this computer I bought from HP an service plan that still is in effect, and today I talked to the technician who told me that most of my hard-drive is recoverable! and I should have my computer back (fixed!) within the week.

So, I promise an update to both **"Stark Realizations" **and **"Heart of the Storm" **within the week!, while meanwhile, I am going to upload the next chapter of **"Ouroboros" **right now since it was spared from disaster being safely saved on my thumbdrive.

I guess one valuable lesson I have learned the hard way is to always back up my data!

Anyway, sorry for all the waiting!

Sincerely,

AG.

PS: I'll be back soon!


	23. Chapter 23

A/N:

0) I posted this on 2/28 as a chapter replacement to my earlier note, but as of yesterday was imformed by a friend who has me on story-alert that she got nothing, so I am going to revert to posting it as usual - my deepest apologies for the delay.

1) Sorry this took longer than expected (to write up), but apparently restoring my computer from factory configuration to what I'm used to - as well as sorting though the data dump that resulted since apparently file location information was among the lost data (assuming I understood their explanation correctly) is taking me longer than I expected. Add to that the fact that I'm a slow typist normally and now that i got half the fingers to work with, I'm sloooooower... sorry again!

2)Sincere thanks for reviews,encouragement, well wishes and good advice goes to: cara-tanaka, Basia Orci, roxypony, Beloved Daughter, peppymint, kaszz-chan, Edna Pests, Hkay, StarkObsessed, Lancariel Peredhil, bermellon, Miravisu, fyrefox13, EbonyWing, BlinkTed, AnnaDruvez, simply anonymous, Beloved Daughter, Pyro, Callophillia, JustAnotherParalellDimension, and Vitan. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) Pyro, thanks a million for the software tip, I'll definitely apply it!

4) Diane, if you're still reading, I hope all is well with you - and that my last reply was not hurtfull since I had not intended it to be, though with all the time I've had to think, I realize that it might have been (accidentally).

If so, I am sorry. I certainly always have valued greatly your input.

I also owe you my gratitude for aptly pointing out that Odin comes across as a king first and a father second, something I have used in this chapter, and will use in another story as well.

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...

It takes another four days after Tony had first installed the new reactor, for his body to have purged enough of the Palladium from his blood to allow him to use the old arc-reactor long enough for JARVIS to complete the diagnostics on both the reactor, and though Loki knows that Tony will be fine, he still cannot help the agitated pacing that overcomes him, as each minute the palladium-based reactor is in feels like a year, he cannot help but think of the poison slowly but surely leaking from it.

Finally, when the diagnostic is complete, revealing no risk of future issues with either the new element or the modified arc-reactor, and Tony switches out his old arc-reactor for the new safe one, Loki feels the tension drain from him, and instead of worrying about the future or dwelling on the past, he simply revels in the knowledge that the nightmare of watching death slowly creeping up on a person he loves is truly….. finally over.

It is strange, Loki reflects, that now – now that Tony is safe from this inescapable slow death which has shadowed both their lives for so long, finally Loki feels content, free even, because for the first time in hundreds of years, he feels truly alive.

Perhaps it is the rekindled hope that burns now within him, or maybe it is all that this long hard road has taught him, about appreciating and holding on to the things that matter before it is too late….. but whatever the reason, and despite the unbearable emotional pain he has had to endure in the past two months, he knows he has emerged from it stronger, and wiser.

Turning his attention to the sudden quietness permeating the room, now that Tony and JARVIS have finished discussing specifications, and possible upgrades for the armor now that the new reactor is able to provide far more power than its predecessor, Loki quietly jumps down from the tool-chest where he is perched, fully intending to cross the room to Tony's side, when the mortal's words stop him in his tracks.

Tony is talking to JARVIS again, but there is an uncharacteristic openness and vulnerability in his tone, and though he is looking at the schematics for his new-reactor that are on the holo-screen, his gaze lacks its usual sharpness, instead clearly focused on events of another time, as he says softly:

"JARVIS…. Thank you… for being there when none of the humans in my life were."

The honest pain in his voice reminds Loki of the many times both Rhodey and Pepper had failed to even glimpse the burden that Tony was carrying alone, assuming that he was simply choosing to be irresponsible, rather than placing their trust in him and trying to understand.

Though they both know that malice was never a reason for any of it, those softly spoken words only serve to verify the truth of what Loki had been suspecting all along: that having to bear that burden all alone, and knowing that the people closest to him turned to condemnation before ever trying to understand his pain and despair had hurt the mortal deeply, and in a far worse way than the ever-spreading ache in his chest or the poison running though his blood.

Despite that fact, though, Tony had meant it when he said that he and Rhodey were still friends, and told Pepper that he loved her and wanted a future with her.

Loki knows from personal experience that pain so deep does not simple evaporate when the cause for it is removed, and what Tony has told JARVIS is ample proof of the fact.

The mechanism in action that allows both truths to coexist is the fact that Tony has chosen to let those hurts rest in the past, and not dwell upon his pain, to let the bonds between him and those closest to him continue to grow stronger rather then letting either bitterness or guilt erode them…. and once again, Loki finds that he admires the mortal.

Loki would smile – if he could – at JARVIS's reply, which holds a note of confusion within what seems to be a dry observation:

"I, sir, am not human."

It is amusing that the computer says this, confirming at once that he does not think of himself as a human, nor does he want to, but the curiosity in those words triggers a long-repressed ache in Loki's chest, because he understands the unspoken question the computer is not voicing - because JARVIS is not human, and he wonders if his actions matter in the way that a human's would, given that he is a machine.

Loki knows that Tony has understood the unspoken question also, because the mortal looks up with a slight smile – a gesture Loki has learned to recognize as one of affection because of all the times Tony has directed it at him – and says in a tone that is confident as well as soothing:

"No, but you have evolved beyond what I created you to be… you are your own person, and that's all that matters."

JARVIS does not respond to that statement, but he does not need to, its meaning and effect are clear. Because of that, Loki finds that he cannot help but reflect once again after almost three weeks that in a sense, JARVIS is Tony's son, in every way that counts – in mind even though not in body – and though he is not human, Tony does not consider him any less worthy because of the fact.

After all this time, Loki knows that Tony cares for JARVIS, trusts him unconditionally, and respects him….. truths that though surprising perhaps, remind Loki that family is not always bound by blood.

Changing his course, he pads across the room and sits, staring out at the darkened sky and the visible stars beyond which lies the world he had once called home, and for the first time he realizes that he wishes for another chance with Odin.

Unlike with Thor – Thor who had always open, truthful with his emotions – Odin had always been, and would always be, a king first and a father second, and though Loki has come to realize that there is a possibility that Odin did in-fact love him, even though he was never bound to him by blood, in honesty, he cannot say with any certainty that it is any more than one possibility of many.

In this case, Loki does not know if there is any possibility of regaining love between himself and his adoptive father, most importantly because he does not know if it ever existed…. but now that he realizes that there is much he does not know, much he has assumed in the past, for the first time, Loki wants to know…. he wants to learn the truth…. and he is no longer afraid.

Loki looks up when he hears Tony calling his name in the gentle sweet tone he usually uses, and looks up to see Tony kneeling by his side briefly before the mortal scoops him into his arms and carrying him over to the couch.

As he relaxes against Tony's chest - finding peace in the steady strong beating of a heart that he had once heard counting down to a certain death - while the mortal runs soothing caresses through his fur, Loki vaguely reflects that to find closure he has to return to Asgard and face his past– an action which will in time become possible again as his depleted magic rebuilds itself, a process which for the first time today has let him vaguely sense the power of the casket within the dimensional pocket where he had stored it.

Despite that fact, though, Loki feels no need to hurry. Though he could simply vanish, he knows that when he leaves he will have to tell Tony the truth about him – and deal with the fallout later – because he does not want Tony to mourn him for no reason…. and after all they have faced together, Tony deserves the truth…..

In this moment, though, Loki loves and is loved….. and as he closes his eyes, resting against the mortal's warmth while enjoying this moment of peace and pure happiness, he decides that both the truth and Asgard can wait.

...

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	24. Chapter 24

A/N:

1) Sorry again for the long wait - Apparently I move, type, and live at less than half my usual speed with half the usual number of usable hands, though it certainly gives me a greater appreciation for the people who manage to keeo functioning with handicaps.

2)Sincere thanks for reviews,encouragement, and good advice goes to: EbonyWing, BlinkTed, Vitan, peppymint, cara-tanaka, Lancaeriel Peredhil, Beloved Daughter, Mel, Rowena Prince, EbonyWing, LoveOfPower, Nadia-91, and Ynath Esrith. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) This chapter takes place abut seven months after the last one... will update again ASAP!

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"_I need to go back."_…. It's what Loki has told himself every night when he looks up at the stars and thinks of the place he had once called home, but every morning when he begins a new day of living by the side of the mortal who loves him and is loved by him…. each time he sees the mortal smile or watches the boundless almost chaotic energy that fuels him in the midst of creativity which makes the mortal look so ….. **alive**, each time he nestles against the mortal's warmth and lets the steady beating of his heart soothe him to a peaceful sleep - now that it is no-loner a countdown to a certain death…. he finds himself deciding that Asgard can wait, because he is finally at peace, he belongs here, and does not want to leave this behind.

It is ironic perhaps that it has been just over seven months since Loki has started to wish for some kind of a reunion with his family, since he has started to miss Thor and to wish for closure with Odin…. and just over three weeks since his magic has finally become fully restored, but it has also been just over seven months since the dark shadow of imminent death had finally lifted away from Tony Stark… seven months of peace and un-tainted happiness, and Loki knows that he is not willing to simply let go.

And yet….. this peace is broken by fate itself, as Loki abruptly looks up from his perch by Pepper's side in the living room as he hears the unmistakable sound of footsteps in the house… and even from this distance, he knows they are not Tony's.

He tenses, preparing to return to his Aesir form and fight if needed, then relaxes again as the footsteps turn away from a still-oblivious Pepper and head towards the stairwell that leads to Tony's shop, because he knows that Tony is safe – at Stark Industries ironically – and that while this oblivious assassin is trying to over-ride Tony's security and get inside the shop where he assumes Tony to be (a truly ridiculous assumption in light of the fact that all the sound-proofing on Midgard cannot make a shop with Tony inside it **that** quiet), JARVIS will have already called in SHIELD who will handle the threat with ruthless efficiency, likely before Pepper is even aware of the intruder's existence.

Loki bristles slightly as he thinks of the very secretive organization which he still cannot help but distrust, despite the fact that they have proved to be of great service to Tony, for the simple reason that in the end-game he does not know whether they will prove to be _'good news'_ for his mortal friend or not – if he allows himself to borrow a Midgardian expression – but he relaxes when he thinks of the fact that regardless of their still not-entirely-transparent motives, in this moment SHIELD is decidedly extremely bad news for the assassin – and if he doubted it for a fraction of a second, he would handle the threat personally.

After all though Tony's friends were afforded some lenience by virtue of his affections for them, anyone else who presumed to hurt him or worse try to kill him would be made to pay, one way or the other.

Wanting to watch the inevitable showdown, as well as to enjoy watching a comparative-idiot's futile attempts at cracking Tony's security, Loki quietly pads down the stairs and settles in a corner, unable to suppress a purr of satisfaction as he watches the increasingly frustrated and clearly well-supplied assassin trying again to override the lock.

Making any sound at all proves to be a mistake when the assassin turns to look at him for a fraction of a second, but it is only a small mistake as the assassin dismisses him from any further consideration, and Loki cannot help but purr again as he gleefully thinks of how utterly wrong the assassin is in assuming him to be insignificant as a potential threat.

Still there is no reason to prove that point, entertaining as it might be, and Loki simply watches with amusement as the increasingly complex devices fail to elicit any response from the door, while he mentally counts down the seconds for SHIELD to come barging in with guns blazing.

Amusement turns to horror in a fraction of a second when Loki hears the unmistakable clicking of Pepper's heels on the stairs, and within seconds a high-power pistol is aimed at the location she is about to obliviously walk into.

With no time remaining for any more complex spells – not even one to cloak his use of magic, Loki leaps onto the stairs and taps into the power of the casket, using the momentary horror of the mortal before him at the sight of a cat with glowing red eyes as all the advantage he needs to let loose a blast of deadly cold as he hisses.

He could freeze the man solid, but that would be far to easy, too quick and far too merciful for someone who had come to kill his Tony, so instead he directs the blast at the hand holding the gun, and within seconds has frozen his entire arm.

It is with a final scream of pain and uncontrolled horror that the assassin collapses into unconsciousness, and fortunately perhaps, after a momentary glance at the situation – certainly not one long enough for her to figure out what happened – Pepper vaults back up the stairs to place her own call to SHIELD.

Quietly padding back up the stairs himself, Loki settles innocently in the living-room, trying to ignore the growing knot of tension in his stomach…. both because by now Heimdall will have likely detected his presence, and also perhaps more importantly though any stories of a frost-bite-administering-cat will be disregarded as hallucinations, there is some chance of Tony becoming suspicious…. and slim as it is, Loki had not planned on his great secret being laid bare this way…. and that is not considering the risks if SHIELD becomes suspicious.

He is pulled from his musings when the door is practically plowed through, not by SHIELD but by a very concerned Tony Stark who first looks to both Pepper and Loki to ascertain that they are both safe, and then while putting on his portable armor, asks on the verge of panic why Pepper had not answered the phone when he called to warn her – to inform her of the situation and tell her to grab Loki and get out, quietly.

Loki cannot help but marvel at the irony of the fact that for the first time in more than a year that he has been here, Pepper had forgotten to charge her cell-phone…. though he is completely un-surprised when Tony tells her he will have to build her one with a further miniaturized miniature-arc-reactor for power so that this does not happen again.

Visceral shock comes in the form of Tony's calm response to Pepper's confused and relieved revelation that whatever the reason, the assassin is presently very unconscious: "I know, JARVIS told me what happened." and Loki finds himself looking up at Tony to see if the mortal seems suspicious of him.

Whatever the answer to that question, Tony's features though seemingly calm are more inscrutable than ever before, and Loki cannot help but feel the tension within him growing…. even though some of it abates into relief when Tony descends the stairs, runs a scan of his would-be killer's medical condition, and very promptly opens his shop and carries out an enormous container of liquid helium, positioning it near the door and subsequently standing to the side as he opens the valve, releasing a blast which ices everything in its path.

From his viewpoint on the staircase, Loki knows that Tony is protecting him from the possibility of SHIELD's attentions becoming too focused on him by providing a far-more believable explanation for the severe frost-damage to the man's arm….. but he also knows that whatever JARVIS told Tony when he had apparently contacted him as well as SHIELD, was enough to make Tony feel that these precautions were necessary….. and the fact that this is not over, that while Tony will do everything he can to keep SHEILD in the dark, he at least knows that his cat is far from …. normal…. and will sooner than later have to be told the truth…. shakes Loki to the core.

He relaxes a little when Tony scoops him into his arms on the way up and relaxes some more when after removing the portable armor, Tony sits on the couch by Pepper's side, pulling both her and Loki close while instructing JARVIS to inform him if their 'unwelcome guest' shows any signs of waking…. yet Loki finds that he cannot escape the tangled chains of hopes and fears that run ceaselessly through his mind and constrict his heart…. because for all that he knew this day of truth was inevitable…. the reality of it is harder to bear than its eventual inevitability had been.

Moments later, SHIELD's forces arrive and begin their own investigation – thrown completely off the correct track by the tank of liquid helium and Tony's sarcastic mention that apparently one of the devices employed in a futile effort to override his lab's security system had – oh so unfortunately for its wielder – only succeeded in overriding the far inferior electronic valve on the helium tank, hence the irreparable damage to a limb.

Loki purrs softly, grateful for this blatant lie that is for the sole purpose of protecting him…. and though he does not know if Tony's love for him and trust in him can survive the truth…. he decides to cherish this moment while it lasts, and forcing his fears to the back of his mind, simply steps onto Tony's lap and lets his head rest against the mortal's chest, relaxing as Tony responds and gently cradles him close.

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	25. Chapter 25

A/N:

1) Apparently my muse is feeling reallllly flighty lately ... My deepest apologies for the long wait!

2)Sincere thanks for reviews, well wishes, and encouragement goes to: Auluna, Vitan, Rokkis, PrettyPieceOfFlesh, EternityInYourArms, Miravisu, cara-tanaka, peppymint, Sethis, Edna Pests, wordonawing, EbonyWing, Lancaeriel Peredhil, Touch of the Wind, StarkObsessed, Ynath Esrith, Aquaburst, Dianthia, PurpleMoon3, G.U.3.S.S, Dragons redemption, noukinav018, HKay, Just as it is, YuriShi, knightessjg, BlackWolf2013, Scyllaya, and Mimi MC. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

3) As I usually forget to mention, I own nothing.

4) To anyone who hoped this would be longer, I apologize, though if it helps, I'm one of you..., I've been having some trouble getting the scenes that follow right, and have been beating on them for more than a week, finally deciding to publish this, and make the rest the next chapter as soon as I can just make it work!

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SHIELD's official investigation takes far longer than Loki expected, which results in a weary Pepper uncharacteristically heading to her own apartment for the night to get some much-needed rest, while upon their departure from the Stark mansion, they take Tony with them to debrief him.

Pacing does not help loosen the knot in his chest, so finally Loki perches on the sofa, waiting for Tony to come home, and for the inevitable revelation that he dreads more than he hopes for.

Eventually he doses off, and is awakened by JARVIS's voice as he welcomes the mortal back and is greeted in turn by Tony.

Looking up at the mortal, Loki notices that Tony looks far more tired than he usually does even at this hour, likely thanks to the stresses of the day, but perhaps more importantly he seems a little more anxious than his normal, and it is this anxiety that radiates from the mortal – though both well-controlled and justified – that makes the knot in Loki's chest constrict painfully as Tony comes to his side and runs a couple caresses through his fur before turning to go to his shop, wordlessly asking Loki to follow him.

For a few seconds Loki finds himself frozen by indecision – unsure whether he should be grateful that Tony seems willing to not push the matter or hurt that perhaps the choice is only given because now the mortal knows he is dangerous….. and then reminding himself that the only way to know is to go through with this, he leaps from the couch and trots after his mortal friend.

Any concerns Loki had harbored about Tony feeling unsafe around him at this point are washed away the moment the mortal and he are inside the shop. Tony confirms with JARVIS that they have complete privacy, and then – as has become custom for so long – he picks up Loki and carries him to the couch where he sets him on his lap and simply runs caresses through his fur.

Not knowing if he will ever have this level of trust and affection again from the mortal who has come to mean so much to him, Loki closes his eyes, savoring the perfect and yet so …. fragile…. moment, until his innate curiosity gets the better of him and he opens his eyes and turns to meet Tony's gaze…. looking for answers in the mortal's expression.

As if expecting this questioning gaze, Tony smiles softly at him, and despite the intense curiosity that is sparkling in the mortal's dark eyes, Loki can see that this is one of those precious open and heartfelt small smiles that are reserved for those Tony trusts most. Judging from Tony's heart-rate, and breathing Loki knows that the mortal is calm, and yet despite the fact that these signs should serve to reassure him, Loki cannot extinguish the aching doubt growing within him, as he thinks to himself: _"Oh, Tony…. would you trust me so… if you knew what I am?"_

In a tone that is laced with some wry amusement, and simultaneously disinterested enough that the mortal could have been discussing the weather, the mortal says, while staring out across the sea of machinery populating his shop:

"Well, it's more or less over – he won't be bothering us or anyone else for a very long time – and of course no-one believed any of his so-unoriginal ranting about a 'demonic cat' – especially since he **was** high on morphine when they finally did get him to testify…..

You know, I told them that liquid helium frost-burns hurt- personal experience on that one… and that trauma, painkillers, and embarrassment to boot can create some rather interesting hallucinations….. naturally they agreed."

Both the expression in the mortal's eyes when he turns to look at him and the gentle caresses that are being run through Loki's fur are meant to soothe him – but despite both he feels more tense than ever before in his life, perhaps because this once he truly has something to lose - and when Tony finally gets to voicing the question that just has to be eating at him even if in a roundabout way, Loki does not know whether he should feel relief or dread.

The mortal's tone is calm as he speaks, open…. yet also uncharacteristically hesitant, and Loki does not know what to make of it – does not know what currents are flowing beneath the surface - and is too close to the situation to trust his own guesses.

"Not long after I finally got home…. from Afghanistan, military intelligence interviewed me to inquire upon the circumstances of my escape, and in particular if it was connected somehow to rumors circulating among insurgents there about a metal man who shot fire from his hands….."

Tony sighs lightly before continuing, and Loki does not need to ask to know that Tony is thinking of the friend who he could not save back in that cave.

When the mortal speaks again, his voice is weary:

"At the time, I had not planned for anyone to know about me being Iron Man… It was simpler that way, safer too…. so I fabricated a story about my escape, told them it was more luck and timing than anything else… and that – as a weapons and robotics expert myself – it was my assessment that the rumors were impossible given the present state of the art."

Tony chuckles briefly, and adds wryly:

"It wasn't exactly a lie either, the things I build usually classify as exactly that."

Loki finds his gaze drawn inexorably to meet the mortal's as he hears the subtext in Tony's next calm words:

"Anyway…. regardless of what I said then, the truth is that the metal man…. was me."

Tony's gaze flickers to rest upon the first of the battered suits of armor on display across the room, and Loki recognizes the emotions that briefly flash through the mortal's eyes, the pride mixed in equal parts with sorrow and something akin to reverence.

He resolves that when he can, he will ask why…. but for the moment it is Tony's turn to ask the questions, and just as Loki expects, the mortal turns back to him with a slight enigmatic smile:

"So what about you, Loki?"

Loki sighs lightly. Tony knows already what he did –he has to. If not anything else, both the actions the mortal took to protect him earlier and this lengthy conversation prove as much…. and of course JARVIS who monitors everything in the house while he is active would have recorded it…. so why does it feel so hard to reveal a truth Tony already has to know?... and which truth should he reveal?

Settling for the easiest, perhaps, Loki turns away from Tony, casts a quick spell to cloak his use of magic - though he doubts he has indeed remained undetected after that first time – and taps again into the casket's power, letting loose a lethal freezing hiss at the bowl of unoffending green apples on the small table directly in front of him.

He almost expects to be pushed from the mortal's lap, but instead of being unnerved by what he has just witnessed, even if before he saw it in a recording, Tony only chuckles – and that is enough to startle Loki into looking at the mortal, only to shrink back slightly when he sees the luminous red of his own irises reflected in Tony's dark eyes.

Tony does not flinch though – whether because of a truly inexplicable lack of concern or because the mortal has nerves of steel, Loki does not know. Then the mortal looks closer, concern filling his features, and brings a slightly hesitant hand up to stroke Loki's cheek, saying softly:

"You're so cold."

Once that statement might have been a condemnation – but not here and now, not while Tony has pulled Loki snugly to his chest and is cradling him close.

Even as Loki relinquishes his temporary connection to the casket, and lets the manifestation of his Jotun form fade away, chased by the warmth of the mortal's touch, does he realize why Tony looked so concerned – and despite the anxiety eating at him, he cannot suppress the laugh that manifests as a purr. After all, this rapid of a drop in body-temperature in any warm-blooded Midgardian species would be a cause for concern, so naturally it is Tony's first instinct to be worried.

Despite that… this is too simple, too easy. Tony has to know by now that none of the usual considerations apply to his cat, and even if barring any knowledge to the contrary, the usual is a good start, the calm relieved expression that rests upon Tony's features when he feels that Loki's body is no-longer icy, the gentleness in the caresses that begin when Loki is released from being held tight against the mortal's warmth….. is too much – both to have wished for and to let himself believe, and though the mortal's touch no-longer feels hot as a flame, Loki vaults from the Tony's lap as if he has been burned.

Tony's voice stops him in his tracks, freezes him in indecision as he turns to look at the mortal's small but encouraging smile, even as the words echo hauntingly in his mind:

"It's okay, Loki."

Loki sighs again. He does not see himself as a monster, not anymore, yet he cannot imagine any reason why a mortal would not be terrified of him, and he does not want to lose a bond that has given him so much.

At the same time, a part of him wants to take the chance, to risk everything even for the hope of being loved and accepted for who he truly is, and perhaps since he already knows so many truths about Tony that the mortal would rather have remained hidden, he owes Tony the truth in return.

Taking a few calming breaths, Loki turns to meet the mortal's gaze, holding it as he reclaims his Aesir form- still clad in his armor sans helmet… and asks in a voice that is barely more than a whisper:

"Is it?"

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	26. Chapter 26

A/N:

1)Sincere thanks for reviews and all the encouragement goes to: Dragons redemption, Just as it is, Auluna, Rokkis, BMMGoldenEye, EternityInYourArms, dragonsheart8261920, JannaKalderash, tmmdeathwishraven, Lancaeriel Peredhil, Touch of the Wind, cara-tanaka, Basia Orci, Mel, Lokke, StarkObsessed, EbonyWing, kaszz-chan, peppymint, Miravisu, sam, HowlynMad, aikenichi11, The Iza, noukinav0018, knightessjg, Laelwen, Edna Pests, BlackWolf 2013, Left Sock Waltz, Ryukapple, Scyllaya, AnnaDruvez, paradoxicalforger, Harlequin Jade, simply anonymous, Mimi MC, Beloved Daughter, AquaBurst, NIGHTSCREAM, GiantBunnyRabbit, graadlon, RoaringFall, anne192, Abandon-Morality, and PurpleMoon3. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) I apologise for the long wait and I also apologize to anyone waiting for updates on Ouroboros or Heart of the Storm, they will be coming along ASAP. This chapter does not cover as much material as I had hoped but it is a big one and after four rewrites I think I have finally done it justice (let's hope that is a correct asessment).

3) On a more personal note I have also spent a week trying - and failing- to save one of my pet hens (yes, chickens can make very sweet and intelligent pets) from a cetain death due to reproductive malfunction (all the Vet could do for her was keep her comfortable as much as was possible).

Really, whatever one thinks about the undeniable ethical issues intrinsic to genetic-engineering, I cannot help but feel that the agressive policy of selective-breeding-for-productivity which we humans have so thoughtlessly engaged in since domesticating animals is perhaps far worse as it has entirely wrecked the genetic hardiness of these species, dooming the majority of their members to a miniscule lifespan that usually ends miserably (and that's not even counting the horrors of factory farming...)

Anyway, if I tried to write then, I'd have only churned out another tragedy so I stayed away.

4) And on another note entirely, I had been in the past dabbling on an (entirely seperate) Iron Man fic involving a female OC who starts out with a Vanko-esque grudge against Tony Stark but ends up realizing that he is not what she expected at all and eventualy falls for him instead. I know something vaguely like this has been done by a couple others but mine will be different. Anyways, the project remained abandoned for a long time, untill I recently read the "Iron Man: Rapture" story arc which was beautiful and tragic and all those things that tend to make a story unforgettable... point is, it provided new direction for that abandoned fic which I have started thinking about working on again.

The tentative plan is for it to be set sometime after Iron Man 2, move into the Avengers timeline and eventually into the Rapture timeline, but with hopefully a happier ending (despite my track record thus far with my one standalone Iron Man fic being a tragedy too).

Where I do need help is with a name for her. I have a list of possible ones, but since I have a hard time writing for a character unless I find a name that seems to fit, I'm very picky about names and adding to the fact that I suck at finding any, I have yet to find one that feels right in my fussy head!

So if anyone has any suggestions, I'd be very grateful! (even if I cannot use them they're probably fantastic suggestions and I'd still be very grateful). If it helps, she starts out as a person with some really serious issues and grudges, has been a mercenary for hire in the past and is fairly well-versed in combat, trusts no-one and cares for no-one, is stubborn and abrasive as hell, but also can be very perceptive and when she eventually does fall in love, she does it very very completely. Got any names that might fit?

5) Have I bored you all to death by now? Sorry...

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Finally Loki gets the reaction he had been expecting all along – or at least the start of it. Tony stiffens almost imperceptibly, his pupils dilate and his breathing speeds up – all manifestations of the normal instinctual fight-or-flight response, albeit well controlled.

It does not last for more than a few seconds before vanishing entirely when Tony blinks….hard… twice, and then – likely upon registering that the sight before him has not changed, asks, in a tone that seems little more than surprised and somewhat disbelieving:

"JARVIS, please tell me my cat didn't just turn into a person."

Apparently JARVIS is busy running calculations of his own, or perhaps more likely checking his sensors, because it takes him a full three seconds - a long time where the computer is concerned – to reply, though when he does, it is with the usual wry sarcasm, a fact that tells Loki that JARVIS at least is not too unnerved by this new information: "Certainly, sir. Would you like me to ascertain the truth of that statement first?"

Despite the at-minimum awkward situation, Tony chuckles, replying: "Never mind, JARVIS, I get the point."

And despite the tension forming a knot in his chest, Loki cannot help but smile slightly again when he sees the mortal's gaze narrow slightly, as his expression shifts from surprise to intense scrutiny – and even without asking, Loki just knows that Tony is likely crunching numbers in his head to calculate exactly how much energy would need to be used to generate enough extra matter to take on a human-like form.

Loki sighs lightly as he opts for sitting down on the couch, albeit as far from Tony as the furniture will allow, and simply waits for the mortal to make the next move – something that seems unlikely to happen any time soon, as Tony is clearly still deep in thought.

Uncharacteristically, Loki is unsure of himself, and unsure of why he has not yet seen in the mortal any of the expected anger, fear and betrayal that he'd felt were inevitable.

He sighs again, musing that perhaps he should not be that surprised – after all since when did Tony ever follow the normal rules anyway – but the thought brings little relief, because it serves as a reminder of why Tony is so precious to him….. and how much he stands to lose in this moment.

When Tony finally turns, shifting slightly so he does not have to crane his neck as far to see his former cat, there is still no trace of the expected emotions in his eyes, but the guardedness within them burns deep into Loki's chest, because it has never been there before when the mortal looked at him…. and Loki feels his heart clench painfully as he cannot help but think that perhaps all hope is already lost.

Tony hesitates for a long moment before speaking, as if searching for the right words, and when he finally finds them, his voice is resigned and weary:

"You never really had the mentality of a cat, did you?"

Loki does not bother answering what is already more a statement than a question, yet his silence is apparently answer enough, because he finally sees hurt break through the guardedness in the mortal's dark gaze before Tony turns away, and hears the subtle but unmistakable accusation in the mortal's tone as he says quietly:

"Why didn't you show yourself sooner?"

In seconds, Loki's mind has already supplied at least three believable alibis, a default behavior designed to shield him from being hurt, but despite the part of him which feels that lying is the best choice in a situation which can hurt him so deeply in the – inevitable perhaps – worst case scenario, Loki dismisses them, and opts for the truth, saying softly:

"At first because I couldn't…. and then when it was possible… I finally had a place where I belonged, and I didn't want to lose that."

Upon hearing these words, the mortal's gaze flickers back to him and softens, perhaps because he too knows what it is like to never entirely belong….. but then the mortal looks away again, tension seeping back into his frame, and takes a series of measured breaths in an effort to calm himself which does not seem to working.

Loki knows that whatever Tony will say next will be some kind of deflection, so it should not matter…. but it is not the half-formed apologies about excessive handling and the use of a litter box that do somehow manage to…. hurt. Instead it is the mortal's dilated pupils and fast breathing…. it is the subtle but unmistakable tension in the mortal's form, and the excessive nervous hand-gestures that Tony never makes when he is calm… and for all that Loki wishes that this inevitable destruction of the mortal's trust in him could have been somehow averted, he cannot lie to himself about this – it will only hurt him more when his own dream castle collapses yet again – so he simply sighs, trying to ignore the feeling of his heart being crushed within his chest, and attempts to find some solace in the fact that this much perhaps was inevitable.

Suddenly the crushing pain constricting his heart evaporates as he looks beyond his own hurt at the mortal – really looks at him…. and realizes that this is not the Tony Stark who had found the strength though his helplessness and horror to glare at his betrayer and would-be-killer when Stane had ripped the arc-reactor from his chest….. and this is not the Tony Stark who'd been defenseless without his armor and had still found the courage to go up against a heavily armed Vanko on that racetrack, even knowing that he could not possibly hope to win that fight.

No, this is another kind of fear entirely…. it's not the normal fear of death or injury that Tony has had to face so many times and always conquered. It is the fear of making himself truly vulnerable, of shedding the emotional armor that he has for so long grown around his human heart in a futile effort to protect it from the cruel world.

Now that Loki has emerged from the trap of his own preconceptions and fears - one perhaps he should have never fallen into because really, since when does Tony ever react like normal people do - he finally feels like he can breathe again, like he has everything he wants and everything he needs…. because this is the Tony who had gone to see Pepper for one last time, whose grace and confidence had disintegrated as he'd struggled to open his heart to her knowing that it was his last chance…. and though Tony is not **trying** to open up in this moment, this is more painful for the mortal in some ways…. harder to deal with because it is too late: he knows that he already unwittingly opened up too far and too completely to be able to protect himself now.

Tony had never **tried** to let his guard down with Loki – he had never felt the need to hide as long as Loki was a cat, because he had implicitly trusted him just as he trusted his robots…. but now that Loki knows everything about him, Tony knows that the heart he has so carefully kept hidden from the world is laid bare before a person he'd never realized could understand…. and that emotional openness…. that vulnerability that exposes the one facet of his soul where he can truly be broken…. is the one thing in all of this that the mortal clearly is not prepared to deal with.

Finally, Loki smiles - a gesture which cuts off Tony's increasingly ungainly apologies as if he has thrown a switch, probably because the mortal knows too well that his …. former-cat…. sees right through all of them – and in that moment he knows that the mortal has become more precious to him than ever before, because Tony had not even batted an eye when he realized that his cat could have transformed him into an ice-sculpture, and he'd been fascinated - not afraid - of the power Loki had demonstrated just by changing into his Aesir form, even though he should have been.

No…. Tony had not feared Loki, only himself – his own fragile human heart which he is only now slowly, painfully even, learning to open up to those closest to him…. and in this moment, Loki wants nothing more than to pull the mortal close and comfort him, just as he'd been comforted so many times as a cat, when he'd felt completely shattered inside.

Loki does not move though. He knows that with all the mortal's emotional armor stripped away, Tony feels everything with a raw openness, and it would be only too easy to hurt him… so instead he says softly, patiently:

"It's okay, Tony…. Don't explain…. It may seem strange but I do understand what you're feeling right now."

The tension recedes from the mortal's form, but it is resignation rather than relaxation that replaces it. Instead of looking at Loki, Tony braces his elbows on his knees, bending forward as he rests his forehead on his clasped hands, closing his eyes…. and despite all the times Loki has seen the mortal trapped and broken and betrayed and hopeless…. he's certain that he's never seen Tony look this vulnerable. The only difference from a few minutes prior is that Tony has given up trying to hide the fact.

So Loki presses on, still speaking softly, despite the nagging fear within him that by doing so he too is making himself vulnerable, he too is opening up his heart and taking a chance that terrifies him….. because he knows that after everything, Tony deserves this much:

"You keep so much of yourself buried inside where no-one else will ever see it…. and I know what that's like because just like you I've done exactly that for most of my life, so completely that even those closest to me never understood what I felt – they never saw when I was hurting, they never understood when I needed them …. they never were there for me when I was crumbling under a burden I was trying to bear alone… and just like with you, it hurt me more than anything else ever could…"

There is no response save for the mortal swallowing thickly between measured breaths, and Loki presses on, weary and regretful yet needing to do this all the same:

"But unlike you, I couldn't find the strength within me to keep believing in them – keep loving them…. the strength to **choose** to believe that their actions were the product of a lack of understanding – not love…. the strength to **choose** to forgive them as you have….

Instead eventually I let my pain become bitterness and my resentment become hate….. I reached the point where I wanted to hurt them…. I did hurt them…."

His voice breaks and he takes a few measured breaths of his own to calm himself, fighting back the memories that rise up unbidden in his mind, the crushing pain of seeing his brother laying dead by his own hand, the self-loathing that eats at him now because then he had not grieved …. and he knows he's never been more grateful for the powers he'd once envied because they are the reason Thor is alive.

Reminding himself that one way or another he will have to face Thor, as well as his own actions toward the Thunderer…. but not today, Loki studies Tony once more, sighing as he sees the slight tightening of the mortal's jaw which he knows is still not from fear – even if it should be – and knows as he sees the mortal swallow hard that he's hurting inside…..

Perhaps Loki should be confused by the fact that his words – his regrets – seem to rekindle in the mortal the ever-present pain that burns silently within him, because Tony has never done the things that Loki regrets – because even when Pepper had essentially abandoned him to his fate and desolation and Rhodey had betrayed him, he'd never once hurt either of them, even when it had come down to either him or Rhodey having to die in a fight that still sometimes haunts Loki's dreams….. But emotions are never that simple, never that precise…. and paradoxically it makes sense, because Loki knows about the many regrets that haunt the mortal, the mistakes that were not even his own but he still feels responsible for – and even though it is not logical for Tony to feel so much pain and regret for things he'd never willingly caused, even though these feelings eat at him deep down inside where they are hidden from view, eroding slowly his life, Loki cannot find it in himself to condemn that so self-destructive trait, knowing that it is part of what makes Tony the…. special, complicated, and unique person that he is.

Loki smiles sadly, even though Tony who still has his eyes closed will never know that he has, and simply watches the mortal before him, thinking of the fact that for all that the world believed Tony Stark to be a man who cared only for himself, it was only a cruel testament to their collective blindness – because he knows the mortal, knows the bitter beautiful truth that Tony had always cared – far too much, and for far too many things…. and that for all his sacrifices, for all that he stretched himself thin trying to make everything better for an entire world, that world stayed oblivious to it all.

Finally he breaks the thick silence, still speaking softly to the mortal:

"But then fate brought me to your side… and in my time with you…. you can't know how much you've taught me. You can't know how much you've given me."

Tony sighs quietly, and Loki remembers the mortal's broken admission, one night when he'd come home from a mission with a few physical injuries and emotional ones that ran far deeper…. remembers Tony telling him that no matter how hard he tries he can never make things right because innocents still die and he can't save everyone….. and edging closer to Tony, he says in a tone that is softer than before, if that was even possible:

"You told me once that if you save one person you've saved the world…."

Clearly Tony remembers that conversation all too well, because finally…. finally he turns his head to meet Loki's gaze, lowering his still clasped hands as he smiles sadly – bitterly, really – saying in a voice that is so weary it borders on broken:

"I also told you it isn't true."

Loki cannot help but smile a little at the irony of it all as he replies gently but firmly: "It is in this case."

Knowing that he has Tony's attention when the mortal does not look away, he continues with an admission that as painful as it is truthful:

"When I came to this realm – to your world – I'd vowed to subjugate it…. to seek revenge on my family by making myself their worst nightmare. To earn their hate since I believed I never had their love and never would….

I believed that I was destined to be a monster, and decided that since it was all I could ever be, I might as well do it properly."

He tries to keep his voice from breaking as he continues, suppressing a shudder:

"…You would have risen against me to protect your world…. And I would have killed you without a single regret…

By taking me in, you made yourself such an easy target..."

The mortal does not say anything to that, does not react physically, but there is a tired understanding in the mortal's eyes instead of any form of resentment…. and Loki feels his heart ache, even as part of him finds comfort in this which he needs more than anything.

Taking another calming breath, Loki continues, bitterness leaking into his otherwise level tone:

"I would have achieved everything I came for, I would have had this world at my feet and revenge on everyone who'd ever hurt me….. And in the end …. with all that, I'd have been alone – unloved and unlovable for all eternity."

He smiles slightly – and entirely genuinely, finishing softly:

"You saved me from that fate – and in so doing you saved your world…. probably mine as well."

In the mortal's expression, Loki sees confusion mixing with the raw vulnerability which still has not been eased away by any of his words, so rather than putting it off any longer, he takes a chance, addressing what he knows is at the root of that emotion, saying gently:

"In my time with you, I've seen you at your most broken and hurt and hopeless, I've seen you fight against impossible odds and manage to somehow come out on top, I've shared with you the burning passion with which you live…. and I've also watched you shatter inside more and more each day as everything in your life crumbled and slipped through your fingers just like your life that was running out…. and it's nothing to be ashamed of, Tony…. because through all this, you taught me to feel again."

Stricken is the best way to describe the mortal's expression before he finally breaks eye-contact and looks away…. and now Loki falls silent, sitting back as he waits for Tony to make the next move when he is ready – because after bleeding all these painful truths out, after making himself this open and vulnerable, and dredging up memories that taken together are crushing him with guilt…. he feels too broken to do anything other than wait.

It's been so long since he wished for revenge at any cost, and that future now will never unfold, yet he cannot stop thinking about himself as another Vanko – he cannot stop seeing Tony lying dead with the mortal's blood covering his hands…. and admitting these facts to himself all together feels as if he has swallowed a poison which is seeping through his veins and drawing ever closer to crushing his heart.

When Tony breaks the silence with a simple question – a normal question given that this is their first meeting in a way, Loki knows that the mortal is trying to put him at ease::

"Since we've never been properly introduced, who are you, really…. I mean what's your name?"

With anyone else it would have been a good start, but it does little to assuage the conflict brewing within Loki as inevitably he cannot help but recall his own question _"What am I?"_ and the chaos into which he'd spiraled under the horrifying weight of the truth. When he meets the mortal's gaze however, and sees that it finally, thankfully, shows less of the raw vulnerability that had haunted it before, while still not having become closed off and guarded, he feels like he can breathe a little easier, and savoring the brief opportunity for amusement, Loki replies blandly: "Loki, actually – your choice was quite fortuitous indeed."

Tony's shocked expression is priceless, as is the enormous amused grin it morphs in to as Loki finishes with: " – and before you ask, at some point in time, some mortals in this realm did know me as the God of Mischief."

Loki sighs as he remembers the other myths about him – erroneous as they were about practically everything – including the one about Ragnarok… and again he is amazed by Tony's perceptiveness, as the mortal's amusement fades away in response to Loki's own somber mood.

He sighs bitterly as he speaks though a brittle smile which feels like the only thing he can hope to do in order not to crumble right there and then: "Those mortals also believed I'd be the one to bring about Ragnarok – the destruction of all worlds….. Apparently in that much they weren't entirely wrong."

Tony should pull away now that he knows this. Instead he leans closer, placing a gentle hand on Loki's armored wrist, and as Loki turns, inexorably drawn to meet the mortal's dark gaze which is still so open, Tony says softly, gently…. honestly:

"You're not a monster, Loki…. no matter what people have said."

Perhaps Loki should feel better, because after all, Tony knows better than anyone how little public opinion is worth…. but it's never been what haunted Loki's thoughts and dreams anyway, and his answer is weary:

"I know…. I never placed any value on myths, humans can have such a wild imagination at times…. I thought of myself as a monster because of this…."

Taking the necessary few seconds to cloak his activities, Loki pulls away from the mortal's touch and retrieves the casket from the inter-dimensional pocket where he has it stored, but this time he does not use it…. he only holds tightly to it, feeling the cold seeping through his veins – and tries not to think of what had ensued after the last time he had touched this weapon…. finally setting it down and turning to see the mortal's reaction to his true appearance.

If Tony were anyone else, Loki would have expected horror and revulsion…. but he is not, and Loki does not know what to expect, does not dare give in to his hopes or fears this once.

Somehow, when Tony's expression shows nothing but an honest fascination, it still manages to surprise Loki enough that he continues the explanation he'd left forgotten:

"… this is what I am in reality…. everything else is just a mask…. a lie."

Perhaps the red gaze that should strike terror into the mortal's heart – and clearly does not – somehow shows the anguish he cannot help but feel inside, even though for so long he felt that he'd come to terms with all this, because the mortal leans forward, reaching out to gently trace the line of Loki's jaw with a fingertip as he holds Loki's gaze and says softly: "You're beautiful."

Those two words strike deep – too deep perhaps – and it is hard for Loki to suppress the reflex to wryly question if the mortal is hitting on him, knowing that it's the furthest thing in this realm from the truth.

It's obvious really, Tony said the words in the same tone that he had used when JARVIS had projected his new element, albeit with far more gentleness…. he means them in the most honest and innocuous way imaginable - even if the world would call it an impossibility – and Loki knows that if he asks a question he knows is a lie – if he treats the mortal as if given all this time he still does not understand him, he'll drive the mortal's defenses back up and make him pull away… and it would be so very much easier than letting himself feel this deeply and be this vulnerable….. but is he willing to pay that price?

When Loki finishes sorting out his own internal conflict and looks again at the mortal, he registers that it is Tony's turn to realize the awkwardness of the situation – if, to borrow a Midgardian expression, the mortal's _'deer in headlights'_ look is anything to go by.

Loki suppresses a smile, unsure of how to diffuse the tension that has surrounded them, even as he cannot help but be amused at the fact that Tony's action is really no different from what he did when Loki was a cat and had tapped into the casket….. but with Loki not being a cat anymore … things are strange to say the least…. too strange for Loki to know how to put the mortal at ease.

It turns out he does not need to, because suddenly the uncertainty in Tony's expression vanishes, replaced again by open fascination as he notices that the blue of Loki's skin is fading away, rapidly near the warmth of his own touch – and he murmurs "Amazing" as he shifts closer and clasps Loki's hands within his own, watching intently as Loki's previous appearance slowly returns.

Loki closes his eyes, feeling the mortal's warmth seeping through his veins and chasing away the cold, something that is oddly comforting for all that the cold cannot hurt him, and when he opens them again, watching the mortal who is sitting now so close to him … entirely defenseless and yet so peaceful…. his breath catches in his throat, because this is more than he could have ever hoped for…. and he cannot help but look up to meet the mortal's gaze with his own still-red eyes, and ask in a tone that is haunted and on the verge of breaking:

"Doesn't it bother you…. that this is what I am?"

Loki knows that in this moment, he looks vulnerable… desperate even, for all that he tries so hard to hide it …. and for a fraction of a second, part of him wonders if Tony will shrug it off, make some semi-humorous comment in a mistaken attempt to break the tension….. maybe part of him even wishes for it because it would be so much easier to just go with the mortal's defensive reflexes and not have to deal with emotions that are so raw.

Instead of absorbing and deflecting – in the mortal's own words – Tony's hold only tightens slightly in a protective way…. and he replies reassuringly: "No, Loki…."

Those same two words that had once broken him inside coming from another have an entirely different effect on Loki now, and unlike last time when he'd let go…. this time he only holds tighter.

The mortal smiles wryly, adding with a slight shrug:

"Clearly you're not human – humans don't turn into cats – so why should it bother me if you don't look human?"

Loki sighs lightly – it is a valid point but far too simple – and maybe Tony knows his words don't have the desired effect, because he presses on, entirely serious now:

"You saved Pepper's life, and very likely mine as well….."

In response, this time Loki smiles wearily, knowing that Tony's gratitude is real, but that the truth runs deeper than the mortal's explanation, as Tony had loved him even when he could do nothing to help….. and yet despite the deflections, Loki does not feel hurt or angry, because he knows that for all the mortal's efforts to entirely shed his emotional armor and be open, every step is a struggle against a lifetime of reflexes he's learned the hard way – and that's okay, because Loki knows Tony, and even if the mortal does not know how to say the words that were once so easy to tell a cat, the expression in his gaze is enough for Loki.

Tony's never been one to give up in the face of struggle though, and finally the mortal sighs, looks away for a fraction of a second and when he meets Loki's gaze again and smiles softly, there is a newfound openness and vulnerability in it which reflects in his hesitant quiet tone:

"What I'm trying to say is….. Whatever you are, and whatever form you take – You're still you, Loki…. That's all that matters."

For all that Loki has never been one to answer with silence, he feels too stricken to manage a single word. This kind of absolute acceptance had always felt like too much to hope for, and now that he has it…. nothing makes any logical sense, because Loki knows that most likely all the realms hate him by now…. and yet the acceptance and love of this one fragile mortal is somehow enough to make everything else seem so insignificant.

It's too much – too much to know what to do with…. and rather than continuing to involuntarily tighten his grip on the mortal's hands which has to be painful by now, Loki pulls his hands away, wrapping his arms around himself as he tries to hold the pieces together and not break... and it's strange perhaps that Loki thought all these shattered fragments of himself were long-mended because they had stopped hurting, only to realize now – now that the shockwave of this unexpected acceptance has opened the fissures again - that his healing had never truly been complete.

Wondering if his abrupt retreat has hurt the mortal, Loki glances at Tony, and finds that the mortal is waiting for him, nothing but understanding in his gaze….. and it is that which inexorably draws Loki out from beneath the emotional armor that would be so much less painful to retreat within, even as Loki smiles slightly at the bitter irony that the most misunderstood person he has ever known is so perceptive.

The silence draws out, and when Loki looks at his mortal friend again, he notices that Tony's attention has turned to the casket sitting on the small table in front of them as if it's the most natural thing in the world, despite the frost building on the glass.

This time the mortal's expression is not the open amazement with which he'd regarded Loki but something far more…. dangerous. He's looking at the casket with curiosity and anticipation clearly written on his features, as if it's a new device that he wants to deconstruct, understand and rebuild better…. and counting the deadly consequences - to beings that were far less fragile than the mortal is - when just the first step had been attempted on Asgard, Loki conjures away the casket, smiling despite the fact that his words are dead serious:

"Oh, no you don't. Try to take that thing apart and **it** will kill you."

Tony's disappointment is palpable, even if he hides it well beneath wry banter:

"Naturally I'd take precautions."

And really, Loki's not fond of having to inform the mortal that his armor – one of his greatest creations - would not be enough, but he answers anyway, slightly apologetically, telling himself that Tony really should be reminded of its limitations – maybe then he'd take less risks, though it's more likely for Jotunheim to thaw:

"Your armor?... it would freeze you solid even through that… I'd know."

Loki is not particularly surprised anymore that the mortal does not seem concerned by even those last words which should perhaps have served as a cautionary reminder that Loki could be extremely dangerous – and had been so – but of all the responses he'd imagined could be given to his statement, he never saw this one coming:

"That powerful, huh…. well, at least you got a one-step solution to the glacier problem."

The shock is so enormous that it takes a second to register, a second for Loki to remember all the projects Tony had funded in an effort to slow or preferably halt the progress of the "greenhouse problem" - a term Loki cannot help but find ridiculous since if left entirely unchecked, there would not be much green left on Midgard – while the receding glaciers had remained one of the harder effects to combat….. and Loki laughs finally, even as something aches within his chest because he knows that no-one else would ever think of anything but destruction coming from a Jotun armed with the casket.

Again, surprisingly, Tony picks up on his subtle change in mood even beneath the laughter…. perhaps he too knows too well what it's like to laugh while his heart is breaking inside… and his next statement is gentle, caring…. and effective even if far from subtle:

"Your …. identity issues…. There's more to it than appearances."

Loki sighs, suppressing the reflex to quip that he of all people does not have identity issues, because though that observation is vaguely discomfiting, it is still true, and he replies wearily, as he stares into the distance, seeing events that are long-gone unfolding before his eyes:

"Yes…. On Asgard…. the world where I grew up, the Jotuns – Frost Giants - are seen as monsters. All my life I learned that they were…. all my life I leaned to hate them…."

He swallows thickly, continuing:

"And when finally by accident I realized I was one of them…. I couldn't see myself as anything but a monster….. because it's all I'd ever been taught to see in them."

Tony winces slightly as Loki's words sink in, but before the mortal has a chance to comment, Loki adds quickly:

"In all fairness, they never intended for me to know the truth…. and that was probably the hardest thing of all to bear at the time…..I took the fact that they'd lied to me all my life as proof that they'd never loved me."

Looking again to meet the mortal's gaze, Loki smiles sadly, saying in a tone thick with remembered grief:

"It's ironic, really…. I'd always believed that if you love someone you owe them the truth no matter what…. but when the palladium started poisoning you, I knew about it before you or JARVIS did…. I could smell it in your blood, just as I knew then that you were doomed to an inevitable painful death because there was no element in this realm that could serve as a replacement for what was slowly killing you – I'd never dreamed then of making a new one - …. and at that time, all I'd wished for more than anything …. was that JARVIS could lie to you, because while eventually you'd have figured it out on your own sooner or later…. I didn't want you to have to spend every moment of the little time you had left burdened by a painful truth that could never be changed…"

Struggling to make his tone level, and not succeeding, Loki continues:

"You didn't tell your friends ….. you hid the truth from them to protect them, to spare them from having to hurt as you were hurting….. even when their not knowing hurt you ore than the truth ever could…. and yet I couldn't find it in myself to condemn your choices."

Continuing before the mortal has a chance to reply – before he needs to battle his defensive reflexes - Loki says bitterly:

"Then when Vanko came along and the world turned against you…. when I saw how he'd turned what little time you had left into a nightmare…. I hated him, but I also realized that I didn't want to **be** him…. I didn't want to burn this world just because of my own personal…. issues…and though part of me wanted to wreak havoc upon the unworthy world because of how easily it turned on you…. I also knew it would never be what you wanted."

This time, when Loki smiles it is a rare open smile – untainted by bitterness or grief – and he finishes softly:

"It is you who changed everything for me…. you who taught me that I don't have to be a monster, because you gave me a place where I belonged…. and by letting me see beneath all the emotional armor you always wear, you made me rethink everything I'd believed for so long, you helped me to realize what I had, and your own triumph over death and betrayal and loss taught me to hope again."

Tony smiles slightly as a silent response to Loki's words, and for a few seconds, Loki thinks that it's the only response he will get because the mortal has never been in a situation like this – has never been told that he is appreciated this completely for even his failings and frailties – and does not know how else to respond.

More than ever, though, Loki is amazed by the mortal's perceptiveness as he watches the mortal's expression shift as he picks up on the slight wistfulness in Loki's words and responds to it by gently reassuring him:

"You still belong, Loki."

A soothing warmth fills Loki as he takes in those words, knowing that they are entirely sincere and that in this moment the mortal has given him more than he could have ever hoped for…. even if he cannot accept it, and even as he sighs and replies sadly:

"I can't stay."...

...


	27. Chapter 27

A/N:

1)Sincere thanks for reviews and all the encouragement goes to: Scyllaya, Lia, Miravisu, EternityInYourArms, cara-tanaka, tmmdeathwishraven, ladywinterfic, Beloved Daughter, Isis36, Abandon-Morality, TygerC, milen748, AnnaDruvez, HarlequinJade, Auluna, Basia Orci, simply anonymous, JannaKalderash, EbonyWing, 3rdbase101, random bug, AquaBurst, Lancaeriel Peredhil, noukinav018, Tripod Gal, Edna Pests, Mimi MC, SilasBrandybuck, AncientHistory, shizukoyasu, Munku-JGSPTV, Golden feathers Edward, Kokoroyume, Identical Gemini, rubberducky26, vampire865, SerenaRiis, ShadowAlya, AliceTheHunted, LeoLuin, fan girl 666, braveleo5, ConfettiRiot, prlygirlie, hisokauzumaki, Unleash the Bats, ThatOneFan, night flame miko, icis182, Redblade, Aruyn, LadyGrimR, LadyKarma18, Gilraen Elensar, Blessed24 7, and aussie logic. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) I truly apologize for the long wait! The past weeks have been a mixture of extended family craziness, hyper-kids (not mine, luckily) craziness, Avengers craziness - which has spawned another two ficlets "Bittersweet Lies" and "Reflections Across Enemy Lines" the later of which I honestly have no clue where it's going, etc.

3) I made the mistake of showing my collected writings to my family... and erm, well, lets just synposize by saying that my muse (and my ego) was thoroughly trampled underfoot... though its possible that a major problem was the fandom not my writing itself... I think... I hope. Either way...Youch!

Anyway, thanks a milion for all your support, dear readers... you certainly have a way of brightening crappy days and without you all this would not be possible.

I also hope I've not managed to make a mess of this with my flattened muse and all, and that I've done it justice.

4) Next chapter is the last with Loki on earth (ie, in Tony's home), I think... sad? I'm sad :-(

...

...

...

Loki knows the mortal is about to argue, but for all that he wishes to hear those words, they will only make what he must do next harder, so he interrupts, gently but firmly:

"No, Tony…. I mean it – I have to do this...

When I first realized what I am…. my pained wrath followed Thor…. my brother ….. here in his exile as a mortal…. I sent the Destroyer after him to burn everything in its path till it could kill him."

He tries not to feel even more guilty as he briefly explains what the Destroyer was, and notices Tony's slight wince as the mortal cannot help but think of the fragile mortal lives lost there…. but he takes strength from the fact that despite the pain his words bring the mortal, Tony is still not passing judgment on him, and though this understanding is more than he deserves, it's everything he needs to help himself bear the guilt that his own admission brings him.

Fighting back what feels suspiciously like tears prickling in his eyes, Loki continues:

"The only way for him to stop it from destroying this world was to give it what it had been sent to take, his life….. and in that moment I hated him so much more for being willing to make that sacrifice, I took it…. I killed him."

He feels like he is choking on the pain and guilt burning within him, like time itself has ground to a halt as all he can see is Thor lying broken and dead before him….. until he feels the pressure of the mortal's hand resting gently on his shoulder.

Tony does not try to give him words of false comfort…. he knows too well how little they mean, but his silent gesture says enough: that he still accepts Loki even knowing what he has done, that Loki does not have to bear this alone….. and it is enough to snap Loki out of the whirlpool of guilt sucking him down, long enough to finish in a less-choked voice:

"I know I don't deserve his forgiveness…. or to call him brother again, but nonetheless I must ask it of him….. I need to ask it of him, and even though the regret I feel is worth nothing… he deserves to know."

Again it is Tony who draw him out from the pained silence which threatens to envelop him, though the mortal's words are spoken in a weary quiet tone: "Regret's worth something, Loki."

Loki sighs, filling in mentally the unspoken _"….. just not enough when all is said and done,"_, and again he is reminded of how different…. how precious…. Tony is, because the mortal does not try to offer forgiveness that is not his to give, or even to take for himself….. because words that should be some small solace are spoken in a tone that holds within it no real hope or absolution, yet they are still spoken in truth …. and though he knows the answer already, Loki cannot help but ask with some bitterness of his own:

"You really believe that?"

The mortal smiles, bitterly, even as his gaze shows nothing but raw pain, and replies in a voice that's barely a whisper:

"I have to."

In the end, Loki smiles slightly, because though Tony has never been able to forgive himself for a past he hadn't even chosen, though he is too immersed in cruel reality to ever feel that his sacrifices are enough, he still fights each day for the absolution he will never grant himself, and that somehow makes some small difference - even if not enough for the mortal to ever truly feel happy and at peace inside.

The mortal's words do not paint for Loki a dream-world where wishes become reality and the past can be undone, but within his broken admission lies a greater gift than perhaps any other…. because Loki can see the raw pain and weariness in Tony's gaze, he sees the emotions that burn quietly within the mortal laid bare on the surface for him to see, or even use against Tony had he so wished it, and this vulnerability….. this choice to make himself vulnerable to a being that he now knows can understand, can hurt him – a being with a past as dark and chaotic as Loki's… is the most precious gift of all.

Loki sighs lightly as he sees Tony's gaze become unfocused, and knows that the mortal's mind and aching heart are dwelling firmly in his past regrets….. and since he too cannot offer solace or absolution, all he can do is to break the silence by finishing in as casual a tone as possible:

"Anyway, I must apologize to my brother and learn what he feels for me now….."

It is mildly amusing when the mortal's mind picks up on the meaning of Loki's words, even through the fog of his grief, and Tony's expression snaps from haunted to confused in microseconds, as he manages an incredulous:

"Wait…. what he feels? … present tense?"

It is too much of an opportunity to miss, so instead of giving a complete explanation, laced with all the emotions that now are correlated with it, Loki simply replies, casually:

"Yes, he's alive now."

The mortal does not reply for a couple of seconds – a long time for Tony Stark – and when he does, it is clear he is still confused, and not trying to pretend he isn't:

"Ah, okay, so is that an Asgard...ian thing or a…. Thor thing?"

In any other case it might have been funny, but not when the question is loaded with such painful memories. Despite that Loki answers factually:

"Actually it was Mjolnir that brought him back to life and restored his powers….. Mjolnir is his hammer."

This time the confusion and wry disbelief written on the mortal's features are too entertaining not to react to, and Loki finds himself suddenly laughing harder than he has in years, finally managing to choke out:

"Stop looking at me like that – it's no ordinary hammer!"

By the time Loki manages to look up and meet Tony's gaze again, the mortal seems entirely unfazed by the entire situation ….. in a way that only Tony Stark could be, and yet the mortal's comment still manages to throw him:

"Well, he must really love his hammer."

Loki's smile is shadowed by the ever-present regret eating into his heart, because while Tony's comment is funny – who else would have put it that way – and truthful; Thor had always been very fond of Mjolnir…. the heart of the matter now is that in some ways, Loki loves that hammer – the very weapon that had once been granted to another and had more recently judged him unworthy – because it saved Thor's life….. and for all that forgiveness may still be unreachable, Loki does not know how he could have lived with the guilt had the Thunderer remained dead.

The wry amusement in the mortal's expression fades away far too quickly, because though it had been real, it is overshadowed by Loki's pain which he understands too well…. and Loki finds himself compelled to finish, perhaps in hopes of laying the last of this painful confession to rest:

"And then there is my…. the Allfather – my adoptive father. When I fell here I was convinced that he never loved me and never would….. but I have learned that he was as….. inept a parent… as yours when it came to showing affection, and the truth is, I don't know….. so even if it is over between us because he is a king before a father, I need to know if I really was his son, before all this."

This time the repressed pain in the mortal's gaze is another kind…. it is loneliness rather than guilt, and Loki instantly regrets reminding Tony of his father because while the mortal knows now that in his own way, Howard Stark had loved him….. one last posthumous recording could never truly heal the emotional scars left by of a lifetime of loneliness and neglect - even though carried out with good intentions - and all Loki can do is try to draw a bandage over the ever-present wound that his words have reopened, finishing gently but firmly:

"I need to go back – I want to go back….. even if for nothing else, I need closure."

Tony sighs lightly, but he still nods his assent – because this need he understands better than anyone else Loki has ever known….. and for the mortal who has always been willing to sacrifice far too much….. his own loneliness is a small price to pay for the peace sought by another soul.

Now that he is free to go, Loki feels oddly vulnerable – because of the small part of him that dreads what will happen when he returns to Asgard…. because of the truths that he has not told Tony, the infinitesimal possibility that when the Aesir are made aware of his survival, and in retaliation for his past crimes, they will declare war on him and hunt him down across the realms.

It's almost a ridiculous consideration – after all executions are not really Odin's style ... usually, and hell, the Allfather had spared Laufey - but it's still marginally possible …. enough that he must leave now rather than risk his mortal friend's life, knowing that if he is here when they come for him – and even though they both would know it was a lost fight - Tony will try to protect him and end up being killed in the process.

It's barely a possibility at all, and Loki knows this, but even that is a cold comfort at best, considering that the only other reasonable punishment for his actions is to have his powers stripped from him – probably forever - and that is somehow a more terrifying fate than execution.

The silence and false peace filling the room is broken by Tony's gentle and melancholy observation:

"Yet you also expect that this will end badly for you – and not just where relationships are concerned."

Loki wants to deny it, but he knows Tony's too smart to be fooled, too perceptive to not see the dread lurking within him, so he simply replies quietly:

"I've done terrible things…. to my family, to an entire world…. which merit punishment."

The mortal nods slightly, calmly even, understanding the feeling only too well, but his pained broken reply is far from calm:

"My legacy ... for most of my life has been a body count, Loki. A lot of people in this world have hurt because of me…. and many of them wish to kill me for what I've done. Fact is, I probably deserve nothing better….."

Loki wants to reply to those words, wants to tell Tony that he's wrong because of all the people he's known in almost a thousand years, he has yet to meet another who deserves happiness more than Tony Stark – or another who has given so very much of himself for a world that will never give anything back….. but it is the sheer pained honesty in those words, the fact that they are absolute truth to the mortal, which drowns out any reply that he might have been able to give, crushing it beneath a tidal wave of unfathomable pain…. and before he can even begin to fathom how he can make Tony see himself for all that he is, the mortal continues, quietly:

"I could hand myself over to them and let them exact retribution…. but all it would do is perhaps make them feel a little better. In the long run, this wreck of a world will be the best we've got and it's only going to get worse…. so I choose this instead….."

Loki does not need to follow the mortal's gaze to know that it has rested on his Iron Man armor. Instead he watches the bitter pained and yet somehow still desperately hopefull expression in the mortal's eyes as he finishes slightly more calmly…. and yet infinitely wearily:

"… because by doing so, I can do more good than I can by dying…. I can hope to make a difference…."

Loki sighs silently, wishing that the mortal would start to realize how precious he truly is, but he knows that right now and maybe forever more, arguing the point is a lost cause – because even if the cold uncaring world eventually comes to appreciate Tony, the mortal will never forgive himself – and instead, Loki replies, gently but firmly:

"You do make a difference…. and I understand your point, but it's not the same situation, because for me, the most important thing I can hope to achieve at present is to find closure and try to make amends with my family….. and it's not going to be at the cost of my life."

That last statement – or at least the certainty in it - is not entirely honest, but Loki's never claimed to be honest, and at least this lie is for a good cause. Feeling slightly surer of himself, Loki finishes:

"Mostly I fear that my powers will be taken away and I'll become effectively mortal….. I fear becoming that…. weak."

Perhaps Tony should take it as an insult but he doesn't. Instead he replies softly in a tone that has the weight of a promise:

"If that happens, come back, I'll build you a suit ... if you want."

At those words, Loki smiles – he cannot help it, knowing that there are not many that Tony would willingly trust with such an offer – but the smile is cracking with the sorrow that fills him, because coming back here…. powerless to bend the laws of nature is practically a guarantee of having to endure more pain than he can survive…. and he can't do this, not again.

Again the mortal picks up on his hesitation, because he adds, in a tone which says clearly that he feels like a fool:

"Oh, yeah, I kinda get how the whole becoming mortal when you're …. a demigod or whatever…. could really suck."

Loki chuckles – albeit bitterly – at the mortal's choice of words, then he sighs again, wishing to all the universe that it was that simple, before replying with a sigh:

"It's not that – not exactly. When I fell to this world…. it's ironic really, I'd let myself fall, not wanting to live….. but right before impact, instinct kicked in and here I am."

He sees the pained understanding in the mortal's gaze as Tony realizes that he'd tried to end his life, but he does not give the mortal a chance to comment, as it would hurt too much to hear – because he knows that Tony understands…. because he knows that the mortal has been at the breaking point of embracing his own mortality too many times in the past, and even if by this point, Tony has been able to find purpose in the dangerous path he has chosen to tread, and even though he's found something to live for in the few people he holds close to his heart….. he's still far too willing to risk his life for Loki's comfort.

So yes, he knows Tony understands – because the mortal has been there – but he cannot bear to hear it. Instead he presses on:

"It took so much of my magic – my energy if you will – to survive, that I was for all effects and purposes mortal.

I hated it…. but ultimately it was the best thing that ever happened to me."

Loki smiles ruefully at the memory – and the fact that the usually hyperactive genius is waiting patiently for him to continue – before saying:

"At first I …. looked down upon you, I scorned you for being mortal - hated you even, because hate was the only thing left in me - but powerless as I was, I could do nothing."

He shivers slightly, remembering again what he would have done, both to Tony and this world, had he been able to, before continuing, vaguely wondering if the relief he feels – relief that his carefully crafted plans had collapsed - has managed to seep into his otherwise level tone:

"When I started to realize, however, how much you'd struggled against – and triumphed over -, how you'd risen against everything you'd ever known and changed everything, how you'd been reborn from the ashes of your own mortality to make your world a better place ... and how you found it in you to continue fighting even when one closest to you betrayed you in the worst way imaginable….. I couldn't help but start to respect you."

Loki cannot help the small smile that surfaces, remembering the first real affection he'd felt in what felt like an eternity:

"When you saved my life, I started to grow fond of you, and eventually respect became admiration. Eventually... you became precious to me …. so you see, the events that trapped me powerless here….gave me the time necessary for your love and acceptance to help me heal inside and learn from you…. gave me a chance to love again and to …. accept that I could."

He sighs, as remembered crushing grief overtakes the feeling of peace he had tasted briefly moments earlier, and continues in a tone which cracks under the weight of the sheer emotional pain which had burned within him for so long, strangling even his will to live:

"….. But despite all that, it was also the most …. painful thing I've ever had to endure…."

His vision blurs, even as he holds the mortal's understanding gaze, and continues, his voice breaking with each added word:

"…. because I was powerless to watch you slowly dying, a little more each day…. knowing I couldn't save you."

He closes his eyes, willing the unshed tears not to overflow, finishing with a barely audible whisper:

"….I can't imagine having to face that again."

A comforting hand rests on his wrist – warm and soothing even through the metal of his armor – and he cannot help but open his eyes when the mortal calls his name…. gently, encouragingly.

Tony smiles at him, softly - sadly even - the expression complete with an openness and honesty that Loki cannot help but cherish – knowing how precious this absolute trust is, and how rare - saying gently in a tone that is rough with emotion and burning with sincerity:

"You **did** save me. You gave me peace and happiness when everything was falling apart…. you were there for me when I needed you most, and though I hadn't known at the time how much you understood, you were there. That's all that mattered…. so thank you."

It is not a surprise to him. Loki had always known that for all that his presence could do nothing to save Tony, it was cherished nonetheless. Still, it was not enough for Loki then, and it never can be. He does understand the sentiment however, and too choked with emotion to reply, he simply responds to the small sad smile with a more bitter variant of the same.

The silence that stretches out this time is a comfortable one. Both are lost in their own thoughts but neither need to speak as they share a trust born of understanding and respect, and the silent presence of the other is enough for each of them … for the moment….

Loki closes his eyes, calming himself one measured breath at a time. He cannot fathom loosing Tony again, and some part of him wants to take away the mortality which makes him so…. fragile…. especially when faced with the mortal's troubling willingness to risk himself for everyone in need. There are ways, Loki supposes, but he also knows that the price of immortality is the agony of watching everyone and everything you care about slip away, and for Tony – for a man who cares more, feels more deeply, and loves more completely - beneath his seemingly impenetrable armor of indifference - than anyone Loki has ever known …. immortality might just be the most cruel fate of all.

It's far from over though, and Loki would be lying to himself if he were to say that there is anything simple about this consideration, especially when he does not even know what tomorrow will hold for him.

'_Tomorrow then…. I'll leave when the sun rises'_, Loki decides, knowing that if he lets himself delay, if he does not set a deadline, he will end up postponing this journey indefinitely, and though in some ways it would be so much easier, he'd meant it when he said he needed closure.

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	28. Chapter 28

A/N:

1)Sincere thanks for reviews and all the encouragement goes to: Lancaeriel Peredhil, frzntears, Isis36, Erestory, Psyche102, cara-tanaka, Edna Pests, peppymint, LeoLuin, Abandon-Morality, Kokoroyume, icis182, Devonne, Scyllaya, bananacupcakes, Choas Babe, Gilraen Elensar, prlygirlie, AquaBurst, SerenaRiis, LadyGrimR, fan girl 666, Lady Rin Kayamata, Dark, noukinav018, Golden feathers Edward, Magician of Khemet, simply anonymous, LadyKarma18, Illustrioustaco, Sony Boy, Munku-JGSPTV, LeRhive, Beloved Daughter, DragonAngerRaven, sunraye36, wolf of infinity, IONCTM, A-World-Of-My-Imagination, Blissfulnightmare's True Form, tati1, Lacus01, WrenWeir, chisscientist, Nebelkind, Soul Eater Meow, Guest, Kina-chan, Nitmi, Guest, Guest, CrisscrossAnime, ladyofstayne, That-is-illogical, foxlin, kirallie, Grey Grapevines, farawisa, and Guest.

Again, this would not be possible without all of you! You've been great! :-)

As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) Also, thanks for kindly constructive criticism and corrections go to: LeRhive, Blissfulnighmare's True Form, chisscientist, and Guest.

I'll do my best to adress what you have pointed out!

3) Sincere apologies for making you all wait soooo long for this, and also sincere apologies to anyone waiting on an update for Heart of the Storm. It should be here within a few days (of course last time I said that it took me over a week to deliver... sorry).

I've had to get back to work again, and things are insanely hectic.

Well, that and with the DVD release of "Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows", I've been on a bit of a Holmes bender which may or may not result in some kind of non-crossover publication (I don't know if it's actually any good yet).

And... the fact that it took me seven revisions - and a lot of brooding - to be satisfied with this chapter... mostly. It's Loki's and Tony's last scene together for the forseeable future (kinda)

:-(

:-(

:-(

and I wanted to do it justice - don't know if I suceeded, though I certainly hope so!

4) I'm on youtube now! with the username "**Astra Eightyseven**", and I've made two vids, both on Iron Man, both Tony character studies.

Since I cannot put the links here, the titles are "IRON MAN - What I've done" and "IRON MAN - In The End", though since a lot of people have made similar vids, if you're looking for mine, best to find Astra Eightyseven's channel first!

Anyone who wants to drop by (or who finds Tony Stark as amazing as I do) come say hi ... and if you want, let me know what you think too!

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Still, there is time… precious time left before sunrise, and there is so much more about the mortal that he wishes to know.

For all that he has understood Tony in ways that few ever will, the mortal is too complex for his understanding to truly be complete – even after more than a year ….. and this time it is Loki who breaks the silence, with the first question that comes to his mind, because this is one of the ones he wishes to understand the most.

He had not been there to watch, to understand for himself, when the mortal's world - and everything he'd ever believed in - crashed and burned…. He'd not been there to watch Tony pull himself out of the wreckage of his life, to survive the terrible betrayal which would have destroyed a lesser man, and emerge as a healing and protecting light for a world in suffering.

Tony's never chosen to willingly speak about the events that had first shattered his world, to anyone, and all Loki knows is from what he's overheard of some short and largely uninformative replies to Pepper's occasional queries.

But for all that Tony pretends that those events don't matter, for all that he hides the wounds beneath layers of emotional armor, there is no questioning that they are still there, raw and bleeding… and Loki hopes, though he knows it's unlikely, that sharing this burden can help the mortal find some solace.

"When you look at your armor, usually your expression is calculating. You're running schematics in your mind, thinking about the comparative strengths of each and what kind of upgrades it can accommodate….. and there's some pride thrown in for how far you've come and what you've created."

Loki's eyes flicker between the only two damaged suits of armor on display, both reminders in their own way, and continues, quieter now:

"Sometimes when you look at the Mark III, there is something vaguely trapped and bitterly alone in your eyes, because it reminds you of Stane and you can't help but wonder who you can trust….. and there is pain there too, because someone you loved and trusted betrayed you, tried to kill you, and perhaps worse, used you to hurt innocent people…. But those feelings are held at bay by your determination and the knowledge that you put an end to his deceit, that you'll never let it happen again."

He takes in the mortal's expression which is completely open and shockingly raw, and sighs lightly before he finishes with little more than a whisper:

"But when you look at the Mark I, and let yourself think about it, there is an inconsolable loss in your expression…. and at the same time reverence….. and I don't know why."

Tony swallows hard, choked by emotions that Loki's question has so effortlessly brought to the surface, despite his precautions….. and Loki sighs internally, wondering if he has pushed too far and done more harm than good as the silence thickens around them, until the mortal breaks it with a bitter chuckle:

"You saw that, huh."

The bitterness which taints the amusement in Tony's tone is not directed at him. Of this much, Loki is certain. Rather the mortal is not accustomed to being read this well by anyone, and it's the effortless dismantling of all his barriers that stings, perhaps as much as the question itself hurts.

For what feels like an eternity, Tony is silent, staring sightlessly at the armor ahead of him while his mind is thousands of miles away, and not wanting to push harder - knowing that for all that Tony trusts him, it is both painful and difficult for the mortal to willingly shed every last scrap of emotional armor he's reflexively donned for so long, and tear open these deep scars just to bleed it all out – Loki simply waits.

Finally the mortal rises, walks to stand before the battered bulky prototype, his posture weary rather than tense, as if he's bearing the weight of the world on his shoulders – and perhaps in many ways he is.

When Tony finally speaks, his voice is rough with emotion, infinitely tired and shockingly raw:

"This isn't just armor…. It's the final memorial of a great man – a man far greater than I with all the assets I have …. which mean absolutely nothing in the end…."

The mortal turns toward Loki, meeting emerald eyes with his own, dark and haunted:

"There were two of us in that cave, Loki. Only one of us made it out though. Yinsen saved my life, but I couldn't save his….. He died so that I could live…. and this, the last thing that he ever worked on…. is in many ways all I have left of him…"

Tony falls silent, unwilling to go further and Loki does not push the mortal, knowing that he is in pain. He toys with the idea of telling him that Yinsen would tell Tony that he is proud of him, if only he could, that clearly the other man had seen something in Tony that had been worth giving everything, and he would not have any regrets, knowing how much good Tony has done with his life.

But Tony already knows this, intellectually, just as he probably knows that he's already done more good for his world than his weapons in the wrong hands have ever caused harm…. and yet nothing will ever be enough for the mortal to grant himself the peace he needs.

Why would Loki's hypothetical statement change anything?

In any case, Tony never gives him the chance to reply, instead returning to sit next to Loki as he finishes with a weary but less-raw:

"It's one of the first things that inspired the EXPO."

Loki responds with a questioning look - having known that the EXPO had been Tony's final effort to better a world that he was leaving forever, but only now realizing that the idea had been kindled by something else entirely - and Tony continues:

"Knowing him…. made me realize how many brilliant people are out there, people like him who could have futures filled with achievement but instead are held back by personal circumstance."

Ah, yes, Loki thinks. Finally he understands ….. understands why the Stark EXPO had showcased not just the latest advancements of major corporations and research groups, but also had unveiled to the world at large many hitherto unknown advances made by people who would have never been heard of otherwise... just as he understands why Tony - in what would have been the last weeks of his life - had spent enormous amounts of time tracking down the most promising and under-supported of such individuals and groups, and offered them the support of his company, his name and assets to get ahead…. and still does.

Loki smiles a little, knowing now that while Tony wants to see the hope for a better future be born in the present – in the ways that matter most, it comes down to the friend he could not save….. to reaching out to those who hold promise and giving them the opportunities that could have changed Yinsen's life had they been extended to him….. and as if he's reading Loki's thoughts, Tony adds quietly, his tone weary and cracked by grief:

"I guess part of me will always wonder…. would anything have been different for Yinsen, had more opportunities come his way? ….. Would he be alive today?"

At that weary and haunted admission, Loki frowns slightly. From what he knows, his mortal friend's savior was a doctor – a brilliant doctor – who had returned to his homeland after completing his education abroad to improve medical care, and thus had fallen into the hands of the people who ultimately killed him.

Could his life had gone differently? Maybe – maybe with the backing of a corporate grant to develop his innovations, Yinsen's presence in that dangerous place would have not been needed, even though from passing references that Tony has dropped here and there, the older man did not sound like the kind of person who would have stood off to the sidelines.

In any case, had he never been captured by the Ten Rings, he'd never have been there when Tony was …. and Tony would have died back in that cave which still sometimes haunts his dreams.

The idea is heart-wrenchingly terrible – and only slightly less so than the fact that Tony has to know this, but still wishes for it all the same.

Loki's reply is more than a little bitter:

"If he was, you wouldn't be."

Tony simply smiles sadly, and looks away, his open unguarded gaze unfocused and filled with raw pain.

His silence says more than words ever could, and if Loki had to guess – really, he knows the mortal too well to call this a guess – he knows that in his mind's eye, the mortal is seeing his friend dying again.

This is the most bitter irony of all, and the most tragic, Loki thinks.

His eyes flicker over the suits of armor across the room from him, some damaged and left as reminders, others repaired and ready to be used should the necessity arise.

He looks at the scattered pieces of damaged armor from various missions that litter the workshop …. and burning pain rises up within him, mingling with the love and admiration he feels for this fragile mortal….. because he cannot help but be reminded of all the times Tony's put his life on the line for others…. all the times that he's bled for people he's never even known and yet fights for all the same, trying to save a world bent on its own destruction.

He thinks of all the times that the mortal almost didn't come back at all, of all the lives he's save along the way… and still….. still, after all this, the mortal still will not let himself find peace, will not accept the absolution he has more than earned.

And that is the tragic irony in all this; because beneath the façade of a man in love with himself, Tony's far too willing to throw his life away for others, because deep down inside - and despite his intellectual and tactical worth – his own life, his own happiness…. means next to nothing.

Loki sighs bitterly, wishing that he could do something…. anything …. to take away the pain that burdens the mortal, for all that he knows that these wounds will never heal…. and nothing he does can change that. He wishes that Tony could see in himself what Loki sees in him, could realize how…. precious he is.

He knows that this once all his reclaimed powers avail him nothing, and yet, Loki cannot help but try.

Even as he sees the rays of the sun creep over the horizon, inexorably beckoning to him, he lingers there, remembering the comfort that the mortal's touch had given him for all that it could not take away his own burdens.

Tony's still not looking at him – he's far from even being present, too lost in the pain of his memories – so he doesn't see it coming when Loki shifts closer and drapes his left arm over the mortal's shoulders, pulling him close.

The mortal stiffens for a moment, still not especially accustomed to physical contact, but then relaxes, closing his eyes as he rests his head against Loki's shoulder….. and knowing now that his gesture is taken as intended, knowing that the mortal needs this – needs to know that he matters, that he is loved and accepted, even with all the burdens and regrets weighing upon his scarred soul – Loki gently places his right hand on Tony's side, cradling the mortal close, just as Tony had done for him all those times before.

Belatedly he remembers that the armor he's wearing cannot make for an especially comfortable contact, but Tony does not seem to mind – after all, the mortal is used to the feeling of metal pressed against his skin – and Loki does not want to destroy this precious moment.

Instead he dips his head slightly, so that his nose barely brushes the tips of the mortal's short dark hair, and breathes in the mortal's scent….so different as he's no longer in the form of a cat, and yet so comforting, so familiar…. as he murmurs gently:

"You really don't see yourself clearly, Tony."

The mortal does not reply, except for the entirely silent and ragged sigh which Loki feels rather than hears, and Loki continues gently:

"I cannot speak for a man I have never known, but I can tell you this, my friend. Were I in Yinsen's position - had my life been his - I would have felt no regrets at the end, knowing that I had given back to the world something far more precious than any invention could ever be: you….. you just don't realize how…. special… you are."

For a fraction of a second, it seems as if Tony's going to argue, but he doesn't, nor does he reply, and Loki sighs lightly, knowing that he can never convince Tony of this fact. At most he can hope that at least the knowledge that Loki sees something worth saving in him can help in some small way…. and perhaps it has, because Tony seems fractionally more peaceful.

Looking again towards the rising sun, Loki sighs quietly, torn between knowing that he has to make things right - especially with Thor - and not wanting to leave his fragile mortal friend alone and unprotected…. though if there's anything that can be said about Tony, despite his overwhelming willingness to risk everything, it's that he's a survivor.

As an idea suddenly occurs to him, Loki thinks hard, recalling forms of magic he had not used in hundreds of years - and never though he would again – breaking the silence with a whisper, as he moves his right hand to rest over the arc-reactor:

"Do you trust me?"

Tony nods silently, a small gesture that sends warmth spreading through Loki's chest and makes tears prickle in his eyes – because he is trusted, because Tony's still perfectly calm, even with the hand of another resting on his ….. life…. which could be so easily snuffed out….. because Loki knows, he's seen and heard, the mortal's well-hidden involuntary reaction of instinctual fear when anyone touches the mortal there without warning – and he closes his eyes, feeling the energy running once again through his veins, out his fingertips, and into the mortal's body.

He doesn't need an image to know what he's searching for and destroying. The results of JARVIS's scans which he has seen every time there had been a need for one are burned into his memory by the pain of seeing the razor-sharp barbs constantly trying to eat their way into the mortal's heart. Instead he keeps his eyes closed, relying on memory to guide his magic to the pieces of shrapnel which he dissolves into nothingness one by one.

It is not enough. Three pieces cannot be removed – not safely – because they are lodged in the walls of arteries, and Loki's not confident enough in his own healing magic to be willing to take the risk…. not now, not without some lengthy practice beforehand.

But at least those pieces are firmly held by the scarring that has surrounded them, and are not likely to move, even without the magnetic suspension system.

Still, Loki sighs…. knowing that the mortal's broken heart – literally and metaphorically – is still just that: broken … knowing that right now he cannot fix the existing damage that at some point had forced Tony to add in a pacemaker beneath the arc-reactor….. But there _will_ be a next time, he decides.

Whatever his near future holds for him, he will see Tony again…. and despite the fact that many had frowned upon his study of magic, he doesn't care – at all – now that he has a better reason than ever before to expand his knowledge of it.

Opening his eyes to regard the mortal, he notices the faintest traces of sweat on the mortal's brow…. a trace of pain that taints the mortal's peaceful features, and worried, he reaches out with his magic again to make sure he has not inadvertently caused any harm.

Everything is as it should be, not counting three remaining pieces of shrapnel and a heart that still needs the assistance of a machine to function properly, but Loki realizes, a bit belatedly, that it is some fundamental incompatibility between his magic itself and a mortal form which causes the pain.

Loki fights back the twinge of regret, reminding himself that it is not significant, not really, it would have been a minor discomfort at worst, if he is to judge from the mortal's physical responses …. and what he did…. worked.

He consoles himself with the knowledge of how much more stable the mortal's health is now… and the fact that Tony is not complaining, though of course, he'll have to figure out a way to remedy this incompatibility before next time.

What is left when the regret melts away, driven back by the utter peace and trust that still rests upon the mortal's features, is another emotion entirely…. because Tony had trusted him, completely, even when his body was telling him that something was not right, even when it _hurt_.

He'd trusted Loki, with no reservations, even when there had been every reason to doubt….. and no words can describe the intensity of the joy that fills Loki, the warmth that floods his being, driving away every last remnant of ice and hurt and loneliness…. for nothing in the nine realms can match how precious this utterly complete and unconditional trust is, save for the precious fragile mortal who has entrusted something so valuable to his care…. to _his _care.

He runs his fingers once, gently, though the mortal's dark locks, before dropping it to his own lap, and gently calling the mortal's name, and it is only then that Tony stirs, opening his eyes and meeting Loki's gaze.

Loki cannot help but smile at the complete openness and trusting curiosity that calmly regard him from within expressive brown eyes, as he gently answers the mortal's unspoken question:

"I removed the shrapnel, except of three pieces which ….. "

Tony finishes for him:

"… are lodged in the wall of the Aorta."

He nods in reply and sighs lightly, wishing he could have done more, finally finishing quietly, unable to hide the note of regret in his tone:

"And I couldn't heal you. You still need the pacemaker…. just now, at least you probably won't be hurt any further by the shrapnel …. and…."

Loki realizes that the regret he feels for failing in something so important has turned his silver tongue to lead…. and Tony realizes it too – he must – because he reaches out, taking Loki's right hand in his left and giving it a gentle squeeze as he says softly and entirely sincerely:

"Loki…. Thank you."

That Tony understood is not a surprise - after all the mortal had been exactly in that position when he'd gone to make some final confessions to Pepper, but found his usual eloquence crushed by his feelings of personal inadequacy and the knowledge that there was no more time left to get it right – and yet, Loki finds himself taking in a sharp breath as the mortal's reaction truly registers and his world tilts on its axis once again.

The gentle reassurance that mingles with the immense gratitude in the mortal's tone - the unconditional acceptance and love that shine through his entirely open and genuine smile - prove, beyond any doubt, that for all that he's deeply grateful for what Loki has done, he has never expected anything of him…. that he treasures him all the same despite his failure to complete his self-appointed task…..and that he'd feel nothing less for him had Loki done nothing at all…. had he _chosen_ to do nothing at all.

This is yet another priceless gift, and unsure how else to express the emotions that flood him and overflow, Loki can only smile – a happy open smile which he rarely ever has cause to give - as he replies in a voice thick with emotion:

"Thank _you_, Tony….. for _everything_."

Finally, the mortal's answering smile is not burdened by bitterness or grief. Instead it is as warm and brilliant as the sun shining in from the small windows.

It is also something Loki wishes he could see more often.

Remembering his own self-appointed deadline – and the fact that if he does not leave now, he may well grow permanent roots in Midgard – Loki rises, followed wordlessly by the mortal, and is about to say farewell, when Tony asks softly, hesitantly:

"Will I ever see you again, Loki?"

He shouldn't answer in the affirmative, not with the uncertainty that lies before him, but if he's to be honest with himself, Loki knows that he'll find the way to return….. and instead of the answer he thought he would give, he clasps the mortal's hands tightly in his own, as he replies firmly:

"One way or another, yes."

The hope that wars with the pain in the mortal's gaze as he manages a small smile which is for Loki's benefit alone, is something Loki knows he'll treasure always – his silent promise not to leave that hope unfulfilled - and holding to that, he lets the energy surrounding him build, finishing his time in Midgard with one final admonition:

"Stay alive, Tony."

Tony does not reply to that statement, not verbally. He won't make a promise he knows may be impossible to keep, but his hold on Loki's hands tightens fractionally, and one look into the mortal's eyes which burn with a fierce determination, is all Loki needs to know that Tony will try….. and that is all Loki can ask.

He holds the mortal's gaze until he can no-longer see him, no longer feel his hold on him, as he lets himself melt into the fabric of space itself, and then he releases his presence from Midgard entirely, gliding upon the tendrils of the universe to bring him to the world that once he called home.

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	29. Chapter 29

A/N:

1) I'm back finally - and sorry for dissapearing for so long. I returned from taking care of my father to find all my pet canaries dead or dying(in my hands), and myself fired, though despite practicality it is the former which has taken the most out of me, and for a long time, I haven't been able to even think about writing (though that's probably a good thing since as you may know when I'm depressed I write tragedies WITH tragic endings, not just liberal angst along the way).

Anyway I hope that these first efforts do not dissapoint (I cannot tell if I'm entirely happy with how they turned out but I can't say I'm happy with much lately so I suppose I may be a biased jury).

In any case, I hope to be updating more regularly... and Thank You All! for all the support which has given me something to come back to!

2) Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: EternityInYourArms, Grey Grapevines, SerenaRiis, cara-tanaka, DragonAngelRaven, Choas Babe, EmeraldEyed, bermellon, ladyofstayne, Erestory, hisokauzumaki, archangelraphaelsdaughter, AvoidedIsland, LeoLuin, noukinav018, Nicholls, Beloved Daughter, AquaBurst, SomeofAwe, IONCTM, AliceTheHunted, articwolfgirl347, ThatOneFan, Psyche102, Nitmi, fan girl 666, Nenagh 24, Isis36, Guest, pointyearsrule, Ordis, Guest, Byvenic, StarCaptain299, AoiGinga5, Avoided Island, Skye Guardian, Chani, Yana5, phoebe turner, le-maru, wolf of infinity, Purplenurpl, Saniwa, sami1010220, Dadairro, AiryAri, Guest, EmeraldWings90, Tears and Rain, darkoraclegirl, Crossover Addict, Baow, The Hollow Inside, samiam 13, Redhood, killing u with umbrellas, peppymint, Random Google, and Power of Funk. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, you are all great!.

3) On a lighter note, I have made and posted fanfic covers for all my fics, and since the resolution here is terrible and they look awful (not complaining... images take up so much cyberspace), I also posted full-res versions on my tumblr, which is: **astragalactic dot tubmlr dot com** (spaces removed of course)... so if any of you are digital-art afficionados like myself, enjoy!

4) Finally, for any Holmes fans out there - or for any of you who like the redemption arc that this story has followed,** "Dynamics of an Asteroid" **is a non-crossover Holmes fanfic that I'm writing which spans AGOS, the Great Hiatus, and beyond, following the emotional journey of a character (Alexandra Moriarty) who is like Loki here our narrator, except arguably, she may well at times make Loki seem an angel by comparison... so if youre interested, uhhhh...there that is.

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When Loki arrives on Asgard, he chooses to rematerialize in his old chambers, certain that they will be long desolate….. because traveling in this manner has always been exhausting, even for him, and he'll need to rest before facing whatever awaits him.

What he does not expect though is that he isn't alone – that instead of the emptiness he'd thought to find, there is the unmistakable presence of another. It reminds him of Thor, and for that reason, there is little surprise that registers when he enters his bedroom and finds the Thunderer there – asleep, sitting against the foot of his bed.

It would be so easy to draw all the wrong conclusions because centuries ago, Loki had banned Thor from his chambers after he and Sif had used them as an improvised staging area for one of their fights with the warriors three…. and the resulting devastation had been far from acceptable, or necessarily reparable.

Over time, of course, the Thunderer had apologized for it all…. but there had still been the issue of his friends, and Loki had left the magical wards intact, as well as his injunction not to enter.

Now those wards have been long-since shattered – something that definitely had not been pleasant for the Thunderer – and once in the not-too-distant past, it would have been easy for Loki to resent Thor for it all…. to conclude that this violation was proof of how little his supposed family ever cared for him or respected him.

But he's not that person anymore, not after all he'd learned from the fragile mortal who had become so precious to him. So instead of getting angry, he takes a moment to look at Thor – to really look at him – and what he sees…. hurts.

Even if the misery written on Thor's sleeping, unguarded, features was not clear…. his emotions are only too easy to know, because stepping out onto the balcony, Loki finds himself in the midst of pouring rain.

This is not one of the Thunderer's healing rains, which cool unbearably hot days and nurture the ground below, nor is it the raging lightning and thunder of his anger. No… this is misery in its truest form….. an overcast sky which looks as if it hasn't cleared in days, but is too weary to even muster a single flash of lighting.

The sky is weeping – because deep down inside Thor is also – and even asleep as he is, he can't truly find respite from the pain.

Thor doesn't stir as Loki stealthily walks back inside and drops to one knee before him. He wouldn't in any case; Loki had always excelled at stealth, and a year as a cat had done nothing to detract from that quality.

This close, Thor looks fragile, vulnerable and broken…. in ways that are entirely _wrong_ on the Thunderer's features, and something clenches within Loki's chest because the last time he'd seen Thor look this lost, he'd been trapped as a mortal…. defeated…. hopeless …. and it had been Loki who'd delivered the final blow to break him by telling him that he'd destroyed his family…. and would never again see his home.

Now he regrets all that….. how deeply he regrets it all….. but if there's anything he's learned from Tony, it's that the past cannot be changed, and all he has to work with is the shattered imperfect reality of the present.

"Loki…"

Loki starts slightly as he hears his name be called, wondering for fractions of a second if somehow he'd awakened Thor before realizing that it's not that at all, because the Thunderer restlessly shifts in his sleep, fingers tangled in one of Loki's green cloaks, calling out in a tone that burns with desperation:

"Loki …. no!"

Sighing lightly as he listens, Loki wonders if Thor's troubled dreams are of him harming the Thunderer – after what he'd done to him last time it would make sense – or maybe of him destroying worlds or something else equally unpardonable.

The idea burns, but Loki's come too far to be angry about it, and he's done too much - perhaps has hurt Thor too deeply – to expect forgiveness or even feel that he deserves it.

Utter devastation and raw anguish replaces the previous desperation in Thor's tone as he as he clutches the green cloak tighter to his chest and all but screams: "No!", but it is only when tears start to stream from his closed eyes, and his voice shatters from grief as he whispers over and over: "I'm so sorry…I'm so sorry." that Loki realizes what truly has been tormenting the Thunderer's dreams – and if it was even possible his heart shatters a little more.

What sometimes feels like an eternity ago – or alternately is so raw it could have been just yesterday – when Thor had been calmly walking up to his _executioner_, he'd taken on his shoulders all the blame for their quarrel….. and at the time, while part of Loki had wanted the Thunderer to bear that blame alone, and part wanted to call him a daft fool, the greatest part of him refused to give those softly spoken words any more weight than a failed attempt to placate him - for all that in the end Thor had simply offered himself up defenseless before Loki's desire for revenge rather than pleading for forgiveness.

It isn't until now though that Loki knows the depth with which those words had been meant…. knows that through it all, Thor had blamed himself for the collapse of their bond of so many centuries, even as the part of this revelation that cuts the deepest is that in all this, Thor had never merited any real guilt.

That day, staring certain death in the face, Thor had admitted that he didn't understand _why_ – because he'd never known…. _couldn't have known_… that Loki had been collapsing from within for so long and had at last been utterly shattered by the truth of his lineage and all that truth entailed, and in all the years of life they had shared, the Thunderer had never intentionally hurt him – but that fact didn't stop Thor from assuming that it was he who had hurt Loki, because in the end he had believed in Loki more than Loki himself could at that point…. enough to assume that the only thing that could have driven Loki to command his own brother's death was some indescribable hurt that could neither be forgiven not forgotten…. and the fact that in all this, Loki had been so very willing to cast their love into the icy void between the realms and drown it in blood while Thor had cherished even the shattered fragments that he'd so stubbornly refused to let go…. feels like more than Loki can bear.

Frozen in place, Loki fights back the tears that threaten, because he'd expected anything – had been prepared for anything – but this, and had Thor been rightfully angry at him, had he come to hate him even, Loki wouldn't have begrudged him for it, knowing that after all he'd done it was deserved. Instead he'd spend an eternity trying to atone for his actions, if that's what it would take.

Perhaps it wouldn't be enough ever… perhaps true absolution would remain a dream forever out of reach….but even that wouldn't stop Loki from trying….. and why should it? Such a hopeless situation hadn't stopped Tony.

This though… to come back and find that in all this time, Thor had blamed himself for it all – to find that his attempt to end his own life which had finally lost all meaning still haunted the Thunderer's dreams – to find Thor still mourning for him….. This is the one thing Loki doesn't know what to do with, the one thing that manages to tear anew into the heart that Tony had slowly and steadily helped him to heal – even though this is a different kind of pain…. it's mingled with warmth and a feeling of belonging that only in the past year he has become familiar with.

Kneeling here, finally, Loki knows beyond any doubt that he is loved. He doesn't know, however how to stop Thor's pain…. doesn't know how to heal the bleeding wounds that his own actions have opened in the Thunderer's soul. All he can do is try – and that is exactly what he does. Leaning closer to Thor, he gently rests one of his hands over the Thunderer's, and softly calls his name.

There is a moment of shocked silence while Thor registers his presence…. a moment while he realizes that Loki is not some residue of a dream or his pain-fueled imagination taunting him…. and then he suddenly lurches to his feet.

Loki stands too – reflexively – unable to tell whether Thor's disbelief has morphed into joy or caution, because even though he knows Thor loves him, caution would be more than warranted…. and it is only when he finds himself enveloped in the warmth of Thor's embrace that he can finally stop doubting.

Outside the pouring rain slows to a drizzle, and Loki remains still, just soaking up Thor's presence, only realizing now how much he'd missed him.

This isn't one of the crushing embraces that Loki had once shied away from as a child. Instead Thor is cradling him close…. as if he's…. _precious_ …. and it is that realization, mingled with the memory of Thor… of his brother …. laying dead by his hand which draws a strangled sob from him as he splays one hand over Thor's chest, feeling his heart beat…. and breaks away.

Loki knows it is entirely unlike him to give voice to his pain in this way, because of the two of them it was Thor – and only Thor – who was that completely open with his emotions, but he doesn't really care anymore….. not when the truth of what he's done is so heavy a burden to bear, and all he can do is whisper:

"How can you…."

Before he can finish, Thor cuts in softly, calling his name in a tone that's something between a plea and a prayer….. and before the apology Loki knows is coming can be uttered, he lets out a strained bitter laugh, cracking with grief and guilt, as he turns to rest his forehead on the windowpane and stare out over their sleeping world and chokes out:

"Really, Thor? How can you think to apologize to me when it's I who hurt you…."

He hears the Thunderer approach him, sees in the reflection of the window the concern written on his features – but the image burned into his mind instead is one of those same features set in a cast of utter despair and hopelessness …. because of his lies….. and though in another life, Loki would have scorned Thor's unquestioning belief in his words and called him a fool…. all he can feel in this moment is sickened by himself – for hurting his _brother_ when he was already so … so broken.

Cautiously – obviously unsure how much his presence will be accepted – Thor reaches out, gently touching his fingertips to the armor covering Loki's wrist before trailing them down to lightly cover his hand.

The Thunderer murmurs something soothing ….. but it is lost in the wave of white-hot agony that sears through Loki as he remembers warm yielding flesh being ripped by sharp metal and hears the sickening crunch of shattering bone as he – embodied in the Destroyer – had lashed out, extinguishing the fragile mortal life which was all Thor had left.

Loki doesn't know what is worse…. that he'd killed his …. _brother_…. or that he'd felt _nothing _when he did it. All he knows is that looking back on those fateful moments feels as if his heart has frozen and shattered into fragments that are tearing him apart from the inside out.

All he knows is that there is no describing the magnitude of this agonizing regret for what he's done – except for a whispered admission that is more an anguished sob than words and yet can do nothing to express the pain and horror filling his mind:

"…. I who _killed_ you."

Again Thor calls his name in that same gentle hopeful tone, but Loki doesn't reply…. there's nothing left to say because there can never be any real absolution for him.

Loki knows this now…. and it would be so much simpler if Thor would just accept it and leave him be …. but the Thunderer has always been stubborn, and upon receiving no reply, once more carefully gathers Loki in his arms, turning him around to face him, although this time he leaves a little more distance between them.

In another life, Loki would have resisted…. but he feels too tired -too broken – to even muster the strength to do so. It doesn't stop him from verbally resisting though, doesn't stop him from reminding the Thunderer in a brittle tone: "…. I killed you"

For all that he's called his stronger sibling stupid far more times than he can count, he knows that Thor hasn't forgotten… cannot forget this, and needs no reminders of the fact. It is simply that the Thunderer's reaction to seeing him again is so far removed from what it should be that he cannot help but state a reminder that neither of them need…. and yet it far from has the effect it should have, because suddenly his brother's hands are cupping the sides of his face, gently, and his tone when finally he does reply is calm and comforting:

"And I would give my life a thousand times with no regrets, just to have you back, brother."

Loki closes his eyes, not wanting the tears in them to show…. not wanting to admit to the desperate hope filling him or the desperation that burns beneath it… not wanting to acknowledge the bitter weariness lacing his whispered words, because he's asking for something that perhaps shouldn't be:

"Am I still your brother?... with all I have done?"

And finally, Thor smiles – heartfelt, open, trusting …. all those qualities that Loki had once scorned but now finds that he needs because they complete him – replying softly… sincerely:

"Always, Loki. Whatever you do…. wherever you go, you will always be my baby brother."

At last, Loki gives in…. not because he can feel that he deserves this welcome, this forgiveness, but because he needs it… he needs his _brother_ in the same way that he has missed him…. both with a consuming fierceness which he only truly understands now that they have finally been reunited, and this time when the Thunderer embraces him, he returns the gesture with his entire being.

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	30. Chapter 30

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, Russingon5eva, Guest, laydyofstayne, quoththeraven, Hebi R, seriousobsession, Ordis, ThatOneFan, Halequin Jade, Hrosanna, PrettyPieceOfFlesh, LeoLuin, Random Google, Yana5, EveraldWings90, killing u with umbrellas, samiam13, Mokulule, Starkreactor, EbonyWing, Scifilover, Blessed24 7, kirallie, Isis36, IONCTM, Aruyn, Beloved Daughter, Mimi MC, noukinav018, fan girl 666, Balinor88, Lemrinth, peppymint, RedHood, Shadows Curse, Purplenurpl, HappyHateDay, Nebelkind, OrionRedde, Yasuko08, Nitmi, Guest, dawnhallj, jeanette9a, Silvertongued Dreams, MomochiNaruto, mrmistoffelees, Illustrioustaco, and Ie-maru. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) Ok, this might be a chapter or so longer than expected. this is one of those cases where the story just sort of went where it wanted and pulled me along. We probably have three chapters after this.

3) Thanks to EbonyWing for pointing out something that I needed to clarify (any anyone else who might have wondered if Thor knows about Loki's genealogy)

4) In case I'm not back to update for a couple weeks (which I probably won't be), Happy Holidays to all!

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Not pulling away – he supposes he won't need any effort of his own to put distance between them if Thor doesn't know already, because even after all this, he can't expect it not to change everything – Loki asks the one question that in some ways he fears the most, because if Thor hates him for his birthright, it is something that nothing Loki can do will ever be able to fix…. and after all they were all but raised to:

"Did he tell you? About my true parentage?"

The Thunderer's response is slow in coming, a hint of confusion in his tone, and from his voice alone, Loki expects a question…. but the words that come out are instead:

"Yes."

This time, Loki does pull back, far enough that he can see his brother's expression which is still too calm, and Loki can't help but wonder if maybe the truth was concealed yet again… if maybe Thor knows not that Loki isn't really his brother but not that he's a Jotun… and it is fear – fear for all that he might still loose – rather than anger that makes his whisper harsh:

"And you're okay with this? With me being a Jotun?"

He almost expects to be thrown away from the Thunderer – it's easier than to hope – but instead he is pulled again into his brother's embrace, held even more securely than before though still with the utmost gentleness, and cannot help the smile, the unadulterated wave of pure happiness that washes over him as his brother replies gently:

"We were raised together, Loki. We played together, we fought together. I haven't forgotten….. and you will always be my brother, whatever your lineage…. it matters not to me."

Thor takes a breath, gathering his thoughts perhaps, and then finishes with an even more quiet, but firm tone which allows for no argument: "… just as it shouldn't matter to you, brother."

At those words, Loki feels tension that he hadn't even realized existed drain out of him as if it never were there, because while long ago, he'd come to the understanding that he wasn't born to be a monster – Tony had taught him that – he didn't expect to be given this advice from his Aesir sibling… not with how they were raised.

He didn't expect to still be seen and treated as a equal, any more than he'd expected such a warm welcome, but Loki's too tired to argue…. he needs this too much to refuse it, and instead of replying, he just leans unashamed against Thor's strength, knowing that he can trust himself, flaws and all, in the Thunderer's hands…. because his brother will never let him fall.

Eventually a yawn slips through Loki's control, followed closely by another – really, this was a given all along; teleportation is impossible for many, merely tiring for him …. and Loki had made an enormous leap though space and time to come…. home – and Thor gets the hint, smiling – Loki can hear it in his voice – as he says gently:

"Rest, brother. There is time for us to speak tomorrow."

And while part of Loki, by reflex alone, points out that the truth of that statement depends on … the Allfather …. and how he reacts to his maybe-son's return, in the end he decides that countering is not worth it, because what matters in the statement – to him at least – is his brother's unshakeable conviction that they have a future together, one the Thunderer wants to see, and for now, that is enough.

He could remove his armor manually, but teleportation has always left him more achy than anything else, and it is easier to simply magic it away, leaving him only in the tunic that fits beneath it all as he all but collapses onto his bed.

For mere fractions of a second – another ingrown instinct – Loki wonders if he should regret his blatant use of magic along with his admission to physical exhaustion before another, but the thought vanishes as soon as it came, because after all this time …. and it's ironic really that it took so much for Loki to see this simple truth…. he knows that Thor, at least, had never looked down upon him for any of it.

The fractional smile on his brother's features confirms this, because within the expression is pride – pride for his sibling's innate abilities to control the world around him which no artifact had given him – and though the Thunderer is more open now…. more vulnerable in a sense as the joy of having his long-dead sibling back with him has laid waste to any princely reservations – Loki realizes that it has been that all along, even if usually far more subtle ….. and internally he smiles.

His brother stands to leave, still smiling, but Loki recognizes a subtle shift in his expression…. a barely-there flash of what looks like vulnerability and fear mixed with loneliness, which Loki would have never before even recognized – never before even thought to look for in his so-confident sibling – had he not seen it a thousand times in the gaze of the strongest and simultaneously most shattered person he had ever known …. and almost before he has time to dwell on the fact more, he says, barely audible:

"Stay."

That one word cuts though the silence, freezing the Thunderer in his tracks, and Loki doesn't even need to open his eyes too know that there is going to be vulnerability lacing the confusion there …. because they haven't spent the night together since there were both just children…. but before his brother has the chance to respond, Loki gives a fractional smile and says wryly:

"No offense, Thor, but silence isn't your strongest point, and I'd rather not have my presence given away till after I have taken some rest."

He knows that it's the right choice when his brother forces an exaggerated frown and then says quickly – far too quickly – that Loki has a valid point there and promptly lies down also at the edge of the enormous bed, expression at peace once again, and it is only after the Thunderer's eyes close and he's fairly certain that his brother is already asleep that Loki allows himself a small smile of true contentment.

Despite his claim – one he's made before but this is the first time it's an alibi, not a manifestation of hurt and jealously – he has every confidence that Thor would have not drawn any attention to his presence, and of course, Thor knew that fact as well as he….. but he'd been there just moments earlier to see his brother lost in torments only his mind and memories could conjure up – trapped in the one thing that could truly hurt him – and he had recognized that flash of vulnerability for what it was, because Thor knew the cycle would begin again… and this once he wants to protect his brother…. in the only way he knows how.

So he'd given an excuse – an alibi of sorts – because though it had never been needed when they were very young and would come seeking each others company to keep the nightmares away, as they had grown, they had started to invent nonsensical excuses as not to have to admit that either of them were vulnerable to fear while still achieving the company they needed to keep those fears at bay…. and Thor had willingly – gratefully – taken it, proving, more than anything else just how much he had needed Loki's company…. just how much he needed the living reminder that his little brother was not dead and lost in the icy void of space, because after more than a year, it car only be far easier to believe that the past minutes had been but a cruel dream than anything else.

It's funny perhaps – or ironic – that when it was Thor who first stopped coming to Loki on those nights (the reason ultimately why Loki stopped as well, though he'd never directly been turned down), Loki had felt hurt, betrayed even, feeling in his young mind and heart that his brother had decided him unworthy of his trust, and it took living with a mortal – blessed superficially with an entirely company and in reality bitterly alone – for him to recognize, hundreds of years belatedly, the curse of being born to royalty.

Stretching luxuriously as his body is far more tired than his mind – really, Midgard still can't compete with Asgard in certain furnishings, though Loki wryly wonders if his judgment is biased since he was a cat for most of that time, napping on various surfaces in Tony's shop or on Tony himself far more often than on a bed – Loki smiles again, then chuckles softly, as he is suddenly struck by how little has changed in some ways after all that has happened…. because he'd never been able to think that after everything Thor would give in to sleep so completely – with so much trust – near Loki, not after the Destroyer, just as he never imagined he'd want it…. and yet there he is, part of a tableau that reminds Loki of the best times in their childhood, when they were too young to let anything come between them.

Unlike when they were younger, there is no contact. Thor is turned toward him as always but one arm is tucked under his head and the other is neatly folded in front of him, leaving Loki with plenty of space, and yet like when they were children, Thor has positioned himself between Loki and the doorway, silently promising to keep him safe from whatever may come, and though at some point – long after they stopped being willing to admit vulnerability to each other – Loki would have been insulted, hurt that his brother treated him as the weaker, now that he's come this far, he sees the gesture for what it is - having realized that the want…. the _need_ … to protect what is precious to oneself has more to do with that attachment than it ever could with perceived weakness – and though the fact remains that Thor will always in same ways see him as his baby brother, it doesn't grate anymore.

Inevitably, Loki's thoughts return to Tony, the familiar pang of concern for the mortal mixing with the fact that he misses him already….. the fact that he worries about the mortal, and though Tony is fragile compared with him, it isn't from that fact that his concern stems – because Tony is a survivor – but because part of him sees the mortal as his – his first _friend_ in a universe that perhaps should have hated him, his teacher, his safe haven – and better than ever before, Loki understands that need to protect what is his.

Add to that the fact that Tony is mortal – and has placed himself between the defenseless of his world and those who would harm them – and Loki has even more reason to want to be there for him…. so much that for all his wishes for _redemption…. justice… accountability… something _… he will not let whatever is to come take away the time that he could have with his mortal friend. He isn't willing to give him up.

Looking at his sleeping brother again, Loki reflects that Tony hadn't just given him a _home,_ hadn't just given him back his heart, and the precious mortal friendship that had changed _everything_…. he'd also given him his brother back – he'd given him a gift that would be his forever, if Loki had anything to say about it…. and he's not letting go of his brother now that he has him back, whether he deserves that chance or not.

At last, feeling far more certain of himself than before, far more at peace than just minutes earlier, Loki lets sleep claim him, and in its embrace he finds peace.

The peace doesn't last long – not long enough for the tiredness he's trying to remedy at least – because he senses more than hears his brother's sleep becoming restless, can tell as he opens his eyes and sees Thor's hands clenched into fists - the expression on his features one of loss rather than pain or fear - that Thor is seeing him fall into the abyss once more…. and deciding that this already has come to far, even though those devastated heart-wrenching cries intoning his name haven't began yet, Loki calls his brother's name.

That is all it takes to silence the memories…. just calling out to his brother and reminding him that truly he is there… thankfully puts an end to it all before that terribly litany of apologies begins, made worse by the fact that they are entirely misplaced, but rather than feeling pulled down by the ever-present guilt, Loki feels strangely more free of it – even if only by a little - as he sees his brother relax into sleep once more, knowing that he – his presence alone – has done that, and if, despite everything he has done, his brother still loves him and still _needs_ him…. why should he argue?

For the rest of the night, the nightmares don't return.

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	31. Chapter 31

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews and encouragement goes to: Ordis, cara-tanaka, Celestial Dance, ThatOneFan, Ie-maru, peppymint, jeanette9a, akuma-river, Ynath Esrith, boukenbee, Aryun, AquaBurst, simply anonymous, Blessed24 7, ebonyWing, ORgasmicPigeon, OrionRedde, fan girl 66, Isis36, pointyearsrule, noukinav018, EmeraldEyed, , Purplenurpl, Guest, Guest, Elise, killing u with umbrellas, Mirage Alcedame, Remzal Von Enili, Hulkishpower, CatchingCraziness, AllieKatheryn, Guest, LR, Rayner Fox, chibi heishi, Guest, Tsuki no Akebono, and Anna the Lynx.

As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging!

2) Ok, again, this might be a chapter or so longer than expected. this is one of those cases where the story just sort of went where it wanted and pulled me along. We probably have still! three chapters after this

3) Thanks to OrionRedde for pointing out my error re. Natasha's real name versus her cover. Guess it's time that I fixed it. Also, thanks to AllieKatheryn for the music reccomendation, and to Anna the Lynx for pointing out my mushrooming ellipses. I'll work on it :-)

4) Sorry for the long wait, i'm a student again, so... whew... and my muse has been very finicky lately - and I have family issues. I hope this chapter doesn't disspoint... because it made me pull teeth, both its and mine - and that said, I'm not sure I am happy with it.

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Loki awakens first, having become accustomed to cat-naps – in the home of a mortal who never slept for very long at any one time and worked at the oddest hours – and he steps outside onto his balcony, looking up at the sky which is finally clear and sunny, free from the dark rolling clouds and weeping rain of his brother's grief….. and then down at the world that he really hadn't missed in his exile of sorts and yet now reminds him of all the good times he and his brother had shared when they were children.

He plans to stay outside for only a few seconds, not wanting his brother to awaken alone and think that it was all a dream and that he is still alone…. but when he turns and looks around him at the balcony itself, he finds himself frozen in place, because here are his plants – the ones he'd always assumed would have been forgotten and left to die without him, the ones he'd not even thought to look for after a year – alive and well cared for….. and Loki can't stop smiling.

Even if they had parted on good terms, Loki would never have thought that his brother would have done this because he'd never seemed to understand the need that had driven Loki as a child who had never really fit with their peers and was slowly watching his brother slipping away from him – or so he'd thought anyway – to find solace in caring for such elemental creatures….. and he probably still didn't.

Thor, after all, could water their entire realm when he wanted to, and didn't need to put a plant in a pot to care for it….. and yet, despite that, he had cared for the elementals that Loki himself had decided he didn't care about – couldn't care about because monsters didn't have that capacity anyway - and even though sooner or later, Thor had given up desperately hoping that somehow his brother had survived….. he hadn't stopped doing this.

He knows that his brother has awakened because he hears his name be called, hears the grief that seeps into his brother's tone raw and unconcealed in the depths of his fear that he is alone as ever…. for all that he needs to believe that he does have his younger sibling back, and once …. once Loki would have let him call in vain for a while at least - just as he had hundreds of years earlier when he'd hidden himself too well with the newly-discovered art of illusion during one of their games, and he'd let his brother search for hours, finally screaming himself hoarse, because he didn't believe, _couldn't_ believe that his brother had really wanted him back – but now, better than ever, Loki knows there is no reason to.

He doesn't need confirmation that his brother loves him, he doesn't need to be convinced of what he knows…. and he doesn't want to see Thor hurting any more, so instead of waiting, he calls back, immediately:

"Out here."

Thor arrives faster than usual, and noting the slight uncertainty that laces the blatant relief in his expression, guessing that perhaps the Thunderer fears that Loki had gone out to find the solitude that his presence was interfering with - because he shouldn't have to fear that, but in many ways they've been worlds apart for hundreds of years, not just one, and it will take time and work to mend this deep fissure – Loki reassures him gently:

"I was planning to return, I've missed you too, brother…. it's just…. you took care of my plants."

It's far less eloquent than his usual - for good reason because it would take Loki too long to explain every emotion that had run though him just seconds ago and to verbalize all the memories that had returned to be finally seen in a different light – but it conveys accurately why he'd lingered, and Loki doesn't need eloquence…. not here… not with his brother.

If it is even possible, Thor seems to be the more uncomfortable of them anyway, and he seems much younger – much more vulnerable and simultaneously, paradoxically perhaps, far more free – as he replies:

"I know it makes me a fool…. but caring for them…. made me feel closer to you."

At that, Loki can't help but smile and give his brother the reassurance that only now he even recognizes that he needs:

"You're not a fool. Thank you."

For a second it seems like the Thunderer is about to say something self-deprecating, something that would be entirely out of place coming from his lips, and yet Loki sees it coming nonetheless, because however he looks at it, and however much he wants them to be at peace once more, there is no denying that he had managed to hurt his brother… and ironically not in the way he'd hoped…. because ultimately Thor hadn't fallen by the hand of Loki but rather by his own…. he'd been condemned by himself, by his conviction that he had failed his brother… killed him even, and Loki knows that it is only time that hopefully will have the power to ease away that pain, helped by him reminding Thor of the truth as long as it takes for him to accept it.

Sighing, Loki takes the moment to observe his brother – truly observe him – and realizes that he looks exhausted, more so perhaps than any fight, any injury, ever had made him before…. and decides he should have realized this sooner, because last night he'd seen proof of his brothers nightmares.

For just how long had Thor not truly found rest, even in sleep?

Loki doesn't realize he'd spoken aloud until he hears his own voice, gentle and caring – as out of place as such a tone would have once seemed when directed at the Thunderer:

"How long, Thor? how long have I haunted you?"

Thor frowns in seeming confusion, though it's more likely that he just doesn't want to answer….. and he's never been a good liar anyway…. so pressing on, still gentle but more firm, Loki asks:

"What I saw you endure last night…. has it always been this bad?"

Had the year apart within which Loki had healed been exactly the opposite for his brother?

Shoulders slumped in defeat, Thor walks back inside, and after a long silence replies quietly, brokenly, while tracing a reverent hand over Loki's books:

"At first, when I …. lost you… I held on to the hope that somehow you'd survived… you'd come back even if only to tell me how badly I'd failed you…. because I knew I had. I knew then everything I should have told you when we had the chance…. and saw clearly every time that I should have been there for you….. and sometimes I'd dream about us having those chances….. if it wasn't you falling."

A tremor rips though the Thunderer, for all that his low broken tone remains steady, and he takes a breath before forcing himself to go on:

"But in time…. I…. accepted that those chances would never come, and for a while I only ever saw you falling….. Different times, different places – sometimes we were just children still…. but I always failed to catch you….. and then eventually those dreams too became rare."

Loki takes a step closer, needing to offer comfort for all that he's never really contemplated how to fix this – because he'd never expected their bond to have ran this deep, never expected the sibling he'd hurt so much to still love and need him as he does – but he is stopped by the sheer magnitude of emotion in his brother's blue eyes which are filled with tears as he turns to him and offers a bitter half smile with his admission:

"I missed them…. because at least I could see you… at least before it ended every time you were alive in my mind. When those became rare… I was always wandering in the cold… lost, alone, knowing that you were gone forever…."

Another calming breath, and Thor seems more weary than devastated as he finishes:

"Then when Heimdall told me that he saw a flash of what looked like your magic on Midgard….. I hoped that you lived yet…. so much that when days passed with no trace of you….."

Loki silently muses that, unsurprisingly perhaps, his teleportation had also included a small time-jump, not like that is in itself unusual… just remarkably inconvenient.

Then he pushes the thought aside, irrelevant as it is compared with what is transpiring here and now, because despite the seeming leveling of his tone, Thor can't seem to bring himself to finish that statement, so Loki does for him:

"I was like loosing me all over again."

This time the Thunderer doesn't reply with words, but the closing of his eyes is enough answer for Loki - now that after all he's experienced on Earth he truly understands loss - and he steps forward, gently placing a hand on his brother's shoulder as he intones:

"You're wrong…. we both were, brother, because you **were **there for me all those years. I was simply too blind to see it when we parted ways, and it took a mortal to make me understand that all along, you have always been there for me…. so please brother…. let me be there for you now."

'_Let me save you', _Loki thinks, but he doesn't need to say it, any more than he needs be surprised when his brother's embrace envelops him once again, strangely desperate despite the fact that its simultaneously careful…. and the only thing that matters in this moment is that they have ended up connected once more…. and more than ever, Loki knows that they'll heal.

Standing by the window, and drinking up his brother's silent presence by his side, here's a dozen things Loki would like to say now, though he's not sure where to start or even how, and in the end he is spared from saying anything further when the door opens once more, and it is not he Allfather, or even the royal guard…. but their mother.

His mother, rushing toward him with arms outstretched and tears in her eyes, voice choked with emotion and a mother's love as she calls out:

"Loki, my son."

And without thought, without the barest hesitation, Loki reaches out to her, lets her pull him close as if he's still an innocent child in her arms – he feels like one – as if everything he's done doesn't matter.

He doesn't deserve this, Loki thinks, but at least he'd never hated her…. at least he'd never been able to think of her as anything but his mother however much he'd insisted he didn't have a family.

At least he'd never plotted any direct harm to her, though the fact that he'd all but forgotten her – that he'd chosen not to think of her because she was the only one who made him feel conflicted, even in the smallest degree – might be even worse.

In any case, though, she doesn't seem to care, one way or the other, and when she tells him that the Allfather knows of his presence and would speak with him, but that that nothing of the sort is happening until he's had decent sustenance – apparently what he's been eating on Midgard doesn't count – he just smiles and lets his mother lead him away…. lets her take care of him this once, because for all that he'd tried to deny it to himself – to ignore the hollow loneliness that only a mother's presence could ease - Loki had missed her.

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	32. Chapter 32

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews and/or encouragement goes to: cara-tanaka, Ordis, CatchingCraziness, jeanette9a, Crystal Night, Choas Babe, chibi heishi, Scfilover, Aruyn, akuma-river, Remzal Von Enili, ThatOneFan, Ynath Esrith, EbonyWing, derderxp, fan girl 666, RoseGlass, SerenaRiis, Anna the Lynx, Rayner Fox, Identical Gemini, EmeraldEyed, noukinav018, Nerd4ever243, Gwenola Black, I.C.2014, Jaricchi, Reader-anonymous-writer, Mesonoxian, Baow, Maia2, imstillaliveaferall, ORgasmicPigeon, GreenOnBlack, waterthemoongarden2, Jessie237, nessa11997, Satosen, LaPirataAna, beadwoirk, skepsis66, d1x1lady, zeynel, Layla, TheRangersArrow, wolf of infinity, Niwaki, and LittleLiar666. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can (might take me a couple days though. Sorry).

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) I'm very sorry for the long wait. Work, family issues and an AWOL muse have been taking their toll. To make things even more complicated, a dear and physically somewhat disabled relative who loves gardening (on the big prickly tree scale instead of little flower beds) has enlisted my help, and I don't have the heart to turn them down.

3) Looks again like this story is going to get a bit longer than expected, because it just wants to be told (or maybe that's the effect of seperation anxiety). In any case, don't worry. Not abandoned :-)

4) Again, I hope this chapter doesn't disspoint... I'm not sure I've done it justice, which could be a problem since as I was listing the names of every one of you who have so wonderfully reviewed, I found myself overwhelmed by your support which has gotten me through so many personal problems. You deserve all the best! Thanks a million!

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Loki half expects to meet Odin in the Great Hall. He expects some kind of formality, or at least a reminder of it, because if he ever was family to Odin, there is no reason for him to be that now. Instead, when his mother is - for the moment - done doting over him, she leads him to Valaskjalf.

The Allfather isn't there yet, so Loki walks out onto the balcony – the very place he'd been standing when overcome by bitterness and rage he'd sent the Destroyer to hunt his brother – and is shocked by how raw the pain of this regret still is, despite his brother's forgiveness and despite the time that has passed since that fateful day.

He doesn't turn away though, looking out over the shattered remnants of the Bifrost which he tries not to think of as a parallel for the bonds he broke and fears may never truly be mended again, because there is no avoiding this, because by being willing to return home, he knew that he'd have to face his actions and his past, both the good and the bad.

This is what he has to build on. This, he thinks, regret mingled with hope and something bittersweet - because ultimately Thor still had been overjoyed to have him back despite everything, - is what he needs to atone for, and even if he might never be convinced it ie enough, he must try.

Pushing away his own thoughts as Odin approaches and comes to a rest standing beside him but looking out over the city, Loki inclines his head slightly in greeting:

"Allfather."

Odin replies quietly, far from the anger that maybe he should manifest or Frigga's affection, even farther from Thor's unconditional brotherly love:

"As your king, I cannot ignore your actions, Loki."

The formality of Loki's greeting seems appropriate given Odin's reply, and he only shrugs in response, always having known that Odin was a king first and father second, maybe not even that now, not for him.

Still, he reminds himself not to let the less than auspicious start put him on the defensive, because he understands a little better the burden of royalty after his time on Earth, having seen how the eyes and expectations of a world are as much a privilege as they are cursed shackles.

For fractions of a second, the Allfather hesitates, suddenly looking tired – old - worn down by time when once he'd seemed indomitable in Loki's eyes, and a tiny part of him cannot help but wonder if he'd at least been thinking _'As your father…'_

In any case, Odin says nothing of the sort, and his uncharacteristic hesitance gives no indications either way before he continues, still looking out over Asgard, studiously not meeting Loki's curious gaze:

"Still. I would know your reasons."

Loki manages a bitter semblance of a laugh, unable to attempt deflecting a question on reflex alone. Besides, it's easier than opening those old wounds anew:

"You who see and hear all?"

Odin at least doesn't rise to the challenge, instead replying quietly, tiredly even:

"You have always held much inside of you, and I cannot see into the minds and hearts of free beings."

Reminding himself that he didn't come here to fight, that he wants to find the truth whatever that may be - and in fairness, empathic intuition had been more his mother's specialty - Loki replies levelly, honestly:

"I wanted your approval. I wanted to be as worthy in your eyes as the child of your own blood, whatever it cost."

Even killing his own brother, Loki thinks bitterly, forcibly pushing the thought away because that may always lie between him and Thor, for all that his brother insists it doesn't matter, but it is between them – and too raw, too painful, to be for anyone else.

The Allfather's voice breaks through his thoughts as Odin turns to look straight at him:

"And now?"

Driven into a sudden retreat, because Loki knows that his regrets had been written clearly upon his features – he hadn't been trying to hide emotions that have become raw and consuming since coming back to find his brother's love for him stronger than ever despite what he had done, and until this latest question, Odin seemed content with not looking at him – he forces out icily:

"Now, it no longer matters to me."

Imagining the look of horror that would have been on his brother's features had he only been witness to this, and thinking wryly that Tony's at-times shocking style of deflecting people might have rubbed off on him a little too much, Loki sighs, reminding himself that if he wants the truth, he should be prepared to give it as well, and amends, softer this time:

"No, that is untrue."

Suddenly feeling like the Allfather's entirely too focused gaze is laying his very soul bare, Loki looks away, forcing out in a single breath that holds the weight of a confession and more vulnerability than he would like, but cannot be helped:

"I hope that someday, perhaps, I can make you proud, but I no longer crave it, because your approval can never absolve my mistakes any more than the lack of it can stop me from living with myself."

As he speaks the words, their irrevocable truth becomes apparent in Loki's mind, because Tony had given him his heart back, and had placed enough faith in him for Loki to survive upon. Thor's forgiveness – however undeserved - is helping to heal that heart more with each passing day. One way or another, like the mortal who taught him so much, he will survive.

Despite that certainty, a death sentence would have shaken Loki less than the next words from Odin's lips, less than the hand that rests on his shoulder with paternal pride that Loki cannot remember ever having felt before except perhaps in his earliest youth where memories are clouded by the innocence of childhood:

"You have already made me proud, my son."

"Am I still your son?", Loki cannot help but choke out, past the burning pain constricting his chest and the slight blurring of his vision - suddenly made utterly vulnerable by the last thing he ever expected.

Once again, Odin manages to surprise him, this time with the honest tiredness in his voice, and the uncharacteristic hesitance:

"I kept the truth from you because I believed it was for the best, but though for that reason you may never again call me 'father', you are my son. You have always been my son - even if I chose wrong, even when I was certain that the only path left to you would bring war to my halls - and no force in the Nine Realms is powerful enough to change what you are to me."

With those words – and without looking back – Odin turns to leave, stopped only by Loki's question:

"And as my king? What is to be my punishment?"

Despite everything Odin has told him – because Loki does believe these sentiments are true – that question has still been hanging since the beginning, and it needs to be answered. Besides, at this point, Loki knows that there isn't an execution coming his way – not like he'd let that happen – but still, what?

This time when the Allfather turns to face Loki, his expression is not unlike the fond exasperation of a father towards a young child that has missed something vital, and he replies:

"Punishment, Loki, is for those who are unwilling or unable to rectify their own mistakes."

This time, the Allfather does leave, and alone once more, looking out over a world that perhaps can become home to him again, Loki finally allows himself a small smile, because though Odin hadn't made some overtly explicit statement of paternal love, it is the closest he could have ever come to expressing such sentiments, and yes, it is enough.

Howard Stark could only express his love for his son by calling him his greatest creation, and Tony had understood it all the same. For all that the sentiment was years too late to close all those scars and unable to bridge a gap extending beyond the grave, it still mattered to the mortal – enough to give him the strength for one last fight when all seemed lost - and Loki can only think himself fortunate that these sentiments have a future, have hope, because this once, it isn't too late.

As to rectifying what he can, Loki realizes that Odin trusts him to find the way – what better gesture of faith could be given? – and as far as he has come, with all he has learned, Loki knows he will live up to that trust.

Looking out at the shattered bridge again – which may or may not be a metaphor for some of the bonds in his life - Loki decides that it is time for the rebuilding to start.

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	33. Chapter 33

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews, encouragement, and great ideas goes to: silverbluerose, cara-tanaka, CatchingCraziness, Maia2, Erestory, YnathEsrith, skepsis66, Frostfire613, KKK3, fan girl 666, quoththeraven5, ThatOne Fan, EmeraldEyed, Aruyn, EbonyWing, BZT, Daku-Darkness, Blue Fire Lily, EmeraldWings90, windy, Guest, AviatorsGrandScheme, PlueEyedPyro, noukinav018, Baow, FoxBitten, marianne, Mystic777, haruhi65, GlOOmP3R, Aki WildQueen, MomotsukiNezumi, Snorkackle, and Kinue. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is most encouraging.

2) I know the waiting has been unfathomably unbearably ridiculous. Now I'm up to my neck in college, work and a frikkin garage remodel for family. Whew. Still, my deepest apologies for keeping yopu all waiting so long.

3) I've been bashing heads with my uncooperative muse yet again. She's flighty, I'm always tired now, so I hope this doesn't dissapoint.

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When Loki had decided to rebuild, in more than one way, he had immediately thought of the Bifrost, because with Asgard cut off from the nine realms chaos is sure to erupt, and between himself and his brother, they just may be able to fix it – to say nothing of the other benefits that a working bridge would offer. Tony would probably love to see Asgard at some point, and travel via the Bifrost is far safer for a mortal than teleportation.

Walking off to find Thor, though, Loki decides that this doesn't end with his family, or even the Bifrost, because out there is a world he nearly destroyed – his world by blood as he has learned to accept – and for all that once he had thought Jotunheim worthy of only annihilation, there have been periods in Midgard's history which have been every bit as dark, humans whose capacity for evil outweighs the worst Jotuns he has ever known or heard of – Stane comes to mind, as an example that had hit far too close to Loki's heart – but none of that can outweigh the simple truth that just the one remarkable mortal who Loki had the privilege of knowing has made all of Midgard worth saving.

Jotunheim, Loki thinks, deserves that chance too.

Thor seems less enthusiastic than his normal, when Loki voices his thoughts, and Loki still cannot help but be surprised when he realizes that his brother's hesitation isn't about Jotunheim.

Just over a year ago, Thor would have deemed madness the very idea of there being something worth preserving in Jotunheim, and since then they have both learned and grown – Loki more than his brother, he cannot help but think because he had fallen far enough into bitterness to kill his own brother and Thor never had, so Loki had to find himself again from a place far deeper into darkness and chaos – but he cannot help but wonder if he is to the Thunderer what Tony had been to Loki, because Midgard had become worth every chance to Loki because of Tony – because that one mortal had proved the capacity for greatness even within a life so very transient, and because Tony had become important, precious, to Loki so by extension the world for which he fought followed suit.

Are Thor's reasons similar then? Except with brother in the place of best friend? Is it only for Loki's sake or is it that the good Thor sees in him is hope too for the rest of Loki's kind?

Either way, it doesn't matter. They have a bridge to rebuild –in more way than one – and Thor's only hesitation is directly in relation to said bridge, because repair efforts had been underway for just over a year now, and he had helped in the way only he could, but so far no appreciable progress had been made.

Loki cannot say he is surprised, because what his brother had been attempting was essentially arc-welding, to borrow a Midgardian term, on a massive scale that involved the use of long-duration lightning strikes, and while that was quite effective in fusing materials in the desired areas together, it also had the unfortunate – and entirely unsurprising to Loki - side-effect of overheating the surrounding areas and compromising the already fragile structure.

Obviously what was lacking was a heat sink – Loki remembers Tony using the occasional liquid helium cooling system when doing large scale welding on sensitive equipment – and that is precisely what Loki thinks he can provide. After all if the Casket had - in different hands - been about to provoke a planet-scale ice-age on Midgard, it can surely absorb the heat generated by even a long-duration lightning strike.

"Come, brother", Loki says, turning in the direction of the bridge and knowing that Thor will follow - because after numerous failures he isn't convinced that they can make this work but he will try nonetheless because his brother has asked it of him - and he cannot deny the happiness blooming in his chest as he cannot help but think that there is balance now between them. In this moment their old roles have reversed, because as children, he had always followed his brother in their numerous childish adventures to offer what assistance he could, but this time his brother is following him, trusting in him – just as he will when Thor needs him - and even if this doesn't work, it has been worth the effort.

As he had hoped, his idea delivers the anticipated results flawlessly. He coats the area surrounding each weld-point in ice and keeps the Casket in hand to continue countering the waves of heat radiating from material that turns molten before his eyes as his brother uses Mjolnir to pour lightning into it, and yes, it is something of an exercise in coordination to get the two separate actions balanced optimally, but Loki cannot help but think that it is also an exercise in trust because Thor is immune to lightning and himself to the freezing cold, but the juxtaposition is not true.

They could so easily harm each other doing this, and yet despite that truth, despite all that has come between them, it is easier than Loki had ever imagined to trust and be trusted.

It is also an exercise in acceptance, because each time Loki touches the casket, his birthright makes itself manifest, but his brother isn't at all fazed by the icy blue skin and red eyes, and as Loki watches Thor lifting Mjolnir to the sky again and calling down the lightning, he finds that he cannot any longer feel even a trace of the jealousy that had eaten at him for all these years, because this is right, because Mjolnir had saved Thor's life back in the desert town that Loki would rather not remember at all, and whichever way he looks at it, the power it carries, the energy pouring out of the sky and through his brother's hands has become every bit as much a part of Thor's life force as Loki's own birthright is a part of him, and as such, Loki can only be happy to see it.

And perhaps it is fitting that in this, he and his brother complement each other perfectly, because what they had destroyed in the process of destroying all that had ever connected them can only be rebuilt by them working together once more.

When they part ways for the evening, because Thor actually seems tired – no surprise given his restless sleep in the recent past – and Loki finds nostalgia to be a weightier pain than he expected, Loki finds himself unwilling to leave the bridge for his own chambers, because the stars beckon, because Tony would have loved to see this, and Loki cannot help but miss his mortal friend.

Looking towards the end of the bridge where Heimdall has resumed his post, Loki sighs, knowing that in this much at least, he needs the Gatekeeper's help, because with all his magic he still cannot see Tony, but Heimdall can, and even though Loki cannot see through his eyes, words are what he will have to settle for since he is too exhausted to teleport back across realms so soon after the last time.

As per usual in his life, though, Loki's own actions have complicated his present – even he can never truly outrun his past – because though he actually hadn't tried to kill Heimdall, leaving him imprisoned in the ice had very nearly caused his death, and that fact alone would be enough reason for the gatekeeper to refuse him any kind of help, but at the same time, Loki cannot simply avoid him forever.

Of course, Heimdall had attempted to strike first, the tip of his sword just hairs from Loki's throat even as Loki had countered with the Casket, but then there was that whole fiasco that Loki had engineered to interrupt his brother's coronation, and his covert dealings with Laufey, so he doubts the fact will be of any benefit in reaching some kind of truce.

Any question as to what would be the best way to begin this conversation looses significance because Heimdall does it for him, eyes still fixed on whichever realm he is observing at the moment even as he addresses Loki:

"I was aware of your actions after you entombed me in the ice. I saw your capacity to bring the destruction of the Nine Realms in the way you engineered a war with Jotunheim. I saw your ruthlessness when you stuck down your own brother."

Loki tries – and fails – to keep the pain and guilt of those memories at bay. All he can manage is to not let them show, because he's always been good at hiding, and this much he is capable of, just barely. In the process, he misses when Heimdall turns to face him, just as he misses the exact words of the gatekeeper who speaks of his ability to see all as something that extends beyond what is visible, even though Loki doesn't miss the meaning.

He cannot help but be surprised at the Gatekeeper's next words:

"Since your use of magic revealed your presence to me once more, I have been watching you when I could. You hide well from me, almost as effectively as you once hid from yourself, but not enough to stop me from recognizing what I never before saw in you; your capacity for loyalty and your capacity to learn from your mistakes. Not enough to prevent me from seeing that if your powers extended to the control of time, there is much you would change."

Heimdall looks into the distance again, tone even more final than usual:

"I was young and foolish once as well. I always knew your bitterness was your greatest flaw, just as your brother's brashness was his, but in your case …"

It had been more than bitterness, Loki thinks, because it had been true, he had never wanted the throne, but that much power had been all to easy to wield, all to easy to misuse, and he cannot help but shiver inside remembering where that led, just as at some level he dreads seeing again the throne room because the memories with the destroyer are still too fresh and the guilt too raw.

The Gatekeeper trails off – uncharacteristically – but Loki doesn't need him to finish to know what he hasn't said, because during Loki's brief reign, Heimdall had made it clear, along with the Warriors Three and Sif, that to all of them, he was a lost cause - something that had stung deeply even then, even if now at times Loki cannot help but think the label justified – and of course that hadn't helped. The more they rejected his position of power, the more blinding his bitterness became, and the more ruthlessly he wielded said power.

At last the Gatekeeper finishes:

"… Perhaps with all my abilities, my perception of you was in error. Only time will tell, however if you are willing to let what has transpired in the past remain there, I am as well."

This offer of a truce is more than Loki could have hoped for, and for a few seconds he debates telling the Gatekeeper that he wasn't wrong, because until his life with Tony, Loki himself hadn't been able to accept anything within himself except treachery and bitterness, so how could Heimdall see what Loki himself could never accept, but Loki has had enough raw painful admissions to last him weeks, and the Gatekeeper isn't Thor or Tony or Frigga, or even Odin who he is trying to accept as family once more, so instead Loki simply thanks him, and almost laughs when Heimdall asks, in a manner painfully reminiscent of when Loki was a child who was hungry to see the universe even if only through the descriptions of a Gatekeeper with seemingly limitless patience:

"What is it you wish to know about?"

"When you saw me on Midgard, I was living in the home of a mortal."

Loki pauses for a moment, holding back the raw emotion, and Heimdall takes over seamlessly, looking towards Midgard:

"Ah yes, one of his realm's greatest warriors, though when I saw you, you were acting to protect him."

Loki doesn't bother to clarify that he actually had been protecting Pepper, because protecting her was protecting Tony in a way – protecting his heart – nor does he bother to ask how Heimdall had deduced his motives, since he knows that magic carries a signature correlated with the intentions of the wielder. Instead he asks, more than a little breathlessly, for all that he wishes this worry and nostalgia didn't show:

"How is he?"

"He misses you, and worries for you. When he isn't fighting, many nights he looks to the sky as if waiting for you to return."

All of that is expected, and Loki cannot help the throbbing ache that fills his chest, mingled with sweet relief because at least Tony is safe, and Loki cannot help but always worry for him, given the mortal's chosen occupation.

He almost expects the Gatekeeper to say that Tony is searching for him, after all, his brother's one human connection is still trying to find him, and both Tony and Jane are scientists.

What he hears instead settles deep within his chest for all that it is unsettling all the same:

"He seeks a way to follow your journey."

Tony of course takes everything several steps further than anyone else, and Loki knows he shouldn't be surprised. Of course Tony had taken probably every kind of measurement possible when Loki had teleported away, and with his genius and his background in theoretical physics and engineering – with his complete lack of any fear of the unknown - he may well be the one person in all nine realms who could manage to follow Loki with just the use of his mind and hands, and no magic at all.

The problem lies in the fact that Tony doesn't know where Asgard is, and there are realms where even the mortal's armor wouldn't be enough protection - something Loki had found the hard way centuries earlier when finding the back-doors between worlds and thanking the Norns for his near-immortality all the while. The words are out of his mouth this time without thought:

"Has he built a device yet?"

Loki had never imagined that a negative answer to such a question would be comforting, because the mortal's alarming lack of concern for his personal safety in the face of creativity and his ability to make possible what all others would consider impossible were among the first things Loki had grudgingly admired in him – and by the Norns, he misses Tony – but even Loki needs to rest before he can teleport safely again, and the idea that he has yet the time to do so, before Tony tries something remarkably foolhardy –and probably ill fated as well - with an experimental device is admittedly a relief.

The reality of what he left behind though – temporarily since his heart is now split between two realms – serves strangely as something vaguely calming, or at least as an incentive to rest, because until the Bifrost is repaired, any travel will be under his own power, and Loki finds that he doesn't wish to wait any longer than absolutely necessary.

That night Loki dreams of the plentiful good memories of his childhood that for so long bitterness had all but effaced, and of his determination to make a future with his brother, but he also dreams of arc-reactors and red-gold armor. He dreams of the expression on Tony's face when caught up in the throes of creativity and practically oblivious to anything else, and the way the mortal would open up to him with every last wounded confession that he could never breathe to anyone else. Most of all he remembers how the mortal never truly stopped fighting, however hopeless the times, and never let circumstances poison his affections for the people in his life, because that was ultimately the greatest lesson of all.

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	34. Chapter 34

A/N:

1) Sincere thanks for reviews, encouragement, and great ideas goes to: cara-tanaka, EmeraldWings90, EbonyWing, Ie-maru, Maia2, Frostfire613, Blue Eyed Pyro, I.C.2014, irezel, marianne, CatchingCraziness, AnnAisu, Nicholls, Mystic777, fangirl666, indijones4. KKK3, Kalavel Loki, Lady Dragon, Mesonoxian, yasmin, Smileychameleon, DragonsFlame117, ZabuzasGirl, Caroyna, noukinav018, Moka-girl, ArrowHunter, Devil Red, Pyro psychotic, Rayen Autumn King, Guest, bermellon, Ruby of Raven, 1sunfun, Kitty, and Sumi Anzu. As usual, I'll respond via PM to anyone I can.

2) Belatedly (for most of them I know), Happy Holidays!

Also, thanks for all the faves, alerts, etc, it is very encouraging!

3) I know the waiting has been just insane. Real life sucks! I just hope it hasn't bent my muse out of shape too much, and I am deeply sorry for the long wait.

[Rant and some probably very useful advice moved to my profile. Who needs my baggage here?]

4) On a lighter note, I've been having plot bunnies for a fic that focuses on JARVIS's and Tony's relationship through the various films (a great idea suggested to me by Wolfy in his/her review for "BitterSweet Lies") but one of my great weaknesses is titles. I'm both fussy and uncreative in that regard which is a bad combination. Any ideas? I can't promise to use a particular title but would be grateful for any suggestions nontheless!

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Returning to Midgard had turned out to be harder a task than Loki thought, and the very fact had weighed upon him since the complications inherent had first come to mind. Fortunately for him – or more precisely for Thor – Loki had always been good at multitasking, and his darkened thoughts had not affected his ability to perform the duty he had effectively assigned himself.

There was still time. Building a device to transport a human across realms was something that should be classed as impossible on Midgard, which for Tony Stark simply meant it would take a while. And the energy requirements for transporting that much mass – Loki had learned to his relief from the Gatekeeper's description that Tony possessed enough self-preservation instinct to build with the intent to transport himself in armor, for all that it wouldn't be protection enough from environment alone at most potential destinations – were yet another problem slowing Tony's project down.

Of course, Loki wasn't supposed to be leaving his duties, not with this much to repair, but he also hadn't been expressly forbidden from going anywhere, not with the Allfather trying to make up for all those lost centuries, so while he would have to return quickly to Asgard, he was far from stranded.

Not as if Loki ever had cared for bowing to restrictions anyway. Quickly in his life he had proved that of there was a rule he thought was stupid, he'd break it just to show he could.

The problem that had been weighing upon Loki was that his brother too had been pining for a mortal he cared for. A chance to see Jane again was something he more than owed his brother, but if he did that, if he transported the Thunderer across the realms to see the mortal he cared for and brought him back, then Loki would be stranded on Asgard once more. Teleportation still took too much out of him, and then when Tony finished his device, Loki might not be able to intervene.

It wasn't a chance Loki was willing to take, but was denying his brother that happiness unpardonably selfish?

And Tony? Tony had always put everyone else ahead of himself and his own happiness, but for all that Loki had learned from the mortal, he found that he could not put his brother before him in this. Not with even the possibility of so heavy a price.

Those thoughts had haunted him for days, and though they had finished for the day with their duties, both at the court and the Bifrost, even as Loki tries to amuse himself – to find the home here in Asgard he had once perhaps known in the furthest vestiges of his childhood – he cannot escape the question haunting him, even as he studies the enormous block of ice sitting in front of him, which a massive lightning bolt just misses.

"No, Thor", Loki says, trying not to roll his eyes, because in fairness, this isn't an exact science: "A little lower – and make sure it's a … miniature."

"I shall try, brother" is Thor's response, and Loki winces preemptively as his brother raises Mjolnir to the sky again, because the beefore, but it is a lot more than suits his purposes.

When the lightning strikes, their attempted ice-sculpture explodes – very thoroughly – and Thor turns to him with a look of apology which is so heartfelt and terribly serious, that Loki suddenly finds himself unable to stop laughing.

The fact that his brother isn't – doesn't see the comedy in all this – and if possible looks even more regretful is enough to stop Loki's laughter, at least for long enough to allow for him gasping out:

"Oh, by Yggdragsil, brother, no need for regret, there is no harm done."

Thinking that the result of their little project looks like someone exploded a gigantic Midgardian snow-cone on the Bifrost, Loki begins to laugh again, telling the Thunderer that this is far more entertaining anyway, and finally Thor manages a smile too.

Feeling creative, Loki asks, when he can catch his breath again:

"Hm, can you procure for me some clouds?"

Off his brother's look, Loki only smiles enigmatically, and replies even more so:

"Wet clouds. I have an idea."

Thor shrugs, raising Mjolnir to the sky and calling in thick grey storm clouds, and when enough have massed above them, Loki lifts the casket, freezing the sky above them, and smiling when the soft white crystals start to fall thickly around them.

"…_At least you have a one step solution to the glacier problem."_

He tries to ignore the ache in his chest as remembers how easily the mortal had accepted him, pushing away the precious memories made bittersweet by separation.

Surprised, a little awed, definitely confused - but never critical despite what once Loki had thought – and definitely not fazed by the blue that is slowly fading from Loki's skin, the Thunderer manages:

"Amazing. I can't do that. You made it snow, in the middle of summer … But why?"

Letting his smile spread as he stoops to pack snow between his fingers, Loki replies slowly, letting there be no doubt as to what he is planning:

"Because, brother, sometimes, winter is more entertaining."

Thor has only time to say, at the edge of laughter:

"Truly?" before Loki's snowball hits him full in the face, but he wastes no time in tossing aside Mjolnir and sending his reply snowball, which Loki deftly dodges.

A dozen wasted snowballs later – because they are both too fast at this point for the majority to make contact – this mock fight somehow evolves into a wrestling match, which is at least more interesting because Thor is still the stronger of them, but Loki is faster at evading, and doesn't hesitate to use illusion when he needs to.

It comes to an abrupt end when over the sound of children squealing in delight pierces through their breathless laughter, and they both look up to see, barely visible through the thick snow, a handful of children who apparently had, of their own accord, come to the same conclusion about the uses of winter.

There is still ice on the bridge under all the snow, and as the youngest girl – Thor tells him that the other two boys are her older brothers - runs to avoid a snowball from one of her siblings, she slips, hurtling towards the edge of the bridge.

They both dash forward to catch her, but Loki can teleport, and despite the fact that he had learned to avoid using magic here, there is no time for anything else.

Fractions of a second before she would have fallen, Loki catches the girl whose instinctual clinging is replaced by childish embarrassment at being caught by an adult, and what looks like a flash of fear when she recognizes him, and Loki sets the child down, stepping back.

It isn't surprising, because even though all his father – Loki still has a hard time adjusting to the term once more – had confirmed to their people is that Loki had been thrown from the Bifrost in an effort to stop the sabotage committed by an unknown party, there were still rumors that spread, and even those notwithstanding, he'd never been entirely trusted by the Aesir.

Perhaps it is fitting, he thinks bitterly, for they may at some level fear him, not knowing the truth of his actions, but the reality is that if they knew, they would have good reason to.

Still, it doesn't hurt as much as he might have expected - not with the warm steady presence of his brother standing behind him – and when the girl asks how he caught her – old enough and bright enough to realize he was too far away, too young to have what Tony would call a brain-to-mouth filter - Thor's reply which he gives before Loki can form some sort of an excuse, dropping down to the child's eye level, shocks Loki into momentary silence:

"Magic. We were too far away to reach you in time, and only my brother could save you **because** of his magic."

Loki hadn't expected that answer, hadn't expected his brother to deliver the exact truth and expect that it be honored, but all the same, Thor had, and it seems to have had the desired effect, because this time when the child looks up at him, it is with a flicker of the kind of adoration that he's seen Midgardian children sometimes direct at Tony, usually after Iron Man had in some way saved them.

Her next words - which remind Loki of just how simple a child's world is, and at which he cannot help but smile - confirm her increased comfort with his presence:

"Are you going to tell my parents?"

Tilting his head slightly as Loki also drops to one knee, amused by her choice of concerns, he replies:

"Not as long as you go home right now and get warmed up. It is late for young one such as yourself to be out."

He cannot help but crack a smile when the girl protests - trying to hide a yawn - that she is not tired, and besides it is snowing, and instead of taking the bait, Loki replies smoothly:

"You **are **tired, and snow can come again."

When the child questions that reassurance, Loki glances to his brother who simply shrugs in agreement, then reassures her:

"Yes, I imagine we can arrange that, at a more appropriate time."

Loki expects her reaction of satisfaction, but not the fact that without warning, she suddenly throws her arms around his neck, and then flashes at him a still somewhat nervous grin before scampering off after her brothers to get home.

He cannot help the small feeling of hope stirring within him at the thought that just perhaps Asgard can learn to accept him eventually, one heart at a time, but it still is insignificant to the warmth welling within him as they both stand, and he pauses for a second to observe his brother, really observe him, and notices that beneath his normally unruly blonde hair which is entirely soaked and thoroughly tangled, his features seem centuries younger, more peaceful, less alone - Loki realizes with a shock – and all around happier.

Watching the children disappear into the city, Loki turns away, going to sit at the edge of the bridge with a sigh as he realizes that despite the fact that as they drifted apart and old wounds festered replacing love with what tried so hard to be hate, it was he who had felt it the most deeply and had given into it completely enough to let it become destructive, at some level Thor had felt it too – had slowly, too slowly perhaps to be recognized, lost a piece of himself as his brother drifted away from him – and though nothing had truly brought home the destruction of that bond the way that sending the Destroyer to kill him on Midgard had, all these centuries building up to that catastrophe had been a slow hemorrhage, which had hurt both of them, albeit in different ways.

His somber mood is pushed away by none other than Thor himself who comes to sit by Loki at the edge of the Bifrost, one arm extended behind Loki's back and holding him by his side just a little tighter than is strictly speaking necessary, almost as if he fears seeing Loki fall once again.

Loki supposes he can understand this fear because he'd seen Puente Antiguo through the Destroyer's eyes and definitely doesn't ever want to see that place again, though the understanding does nothing to push away his numerous regrets.

When Thor breaks the silence, his voice is soft and deep, like the rumble of distant thunder, but infinitely more raw, more open:

"Thank, you, brother."

No clarification is needed as to why, because they both needed this, because the last time they were both here, fighting - hearts torn apart, minds crazed by longstanding grudges for one and the pained shock of betrayal for the other - it could have well been a battle to the death.

This time, it was a game, it was letting themselves go back to a time in childhood when they hadn't yet let worldly tensions tear them apart, and starting anew.

This was healing that they both needed, this time they were both laughing, and the Bifrost isn't the only bridge they are rebuilding, because now, even after their conflicts and the year apart in which they both had grown, Loki perhaps more significantly, being with Thor seems so right, so natural, that the only reply Loki can give as he crosses his own arm behind the Thunderer's back – unwilling too to loose this ever again – is:

"Brother."

Nothing more needs be said about this, and when conversation starts once more, they are pointing out constellations, comparing them with what is visible from Midgard, even as Loki cannot help but remember the sleepless nights when he'd sit up looking at those stars, waiting for a streak of light in the sky and the sound of repulsors to tell him Tony had survived his latest mission.

As if almost aware of his thoughts, but never with perfect accuracy, Thor says softly, looking in the direction of Midgard, for all that he can't see it:

"Sometimes I think Father should have just exiled us both to Midgard centuries ago."

Loki smiles, not without nostalgia, and replies softly:

"You, perhaps, but as for myself. I needed to be there when I was, as a cat no less, or I wouldn't have learned anything. I wouldn't have healed or grown."

His brother's surprise is palpable, even before he speaks, because Loki had never clarified this little detail:

"A cat?"

Allowing himself a small smile, Loki walks away, returning as the black cat which had been his embodiment for so long, and instinctively- for this form anyway- he lets out a purr as Thor reaches out, an enormous hand over his head flattening his ears with the best of intentions and no experience, and Loki cannot help but think that a year earlier he'd have clawed him, just for the spite of it.

Determined not to dwell in the past, Loki returns to his Aesir form, sitting at the edge of the bridge again, chuckling as his brother tells him that he makes for a quite regal cat, but still wonders why this form had been necessary in Loki's eyes.

Loki's amusement morphs into something pained with a touch of bitterness as he replies:

"When we fought, even when I killed you, brother, there was too much anger and resentment in my mind and heart to allow me to heed even your words for me. How could I possibly heed those spoken by anyone else?"

In response to the Thunderer's slight frown of confusion, and before he can reassure him yet again of his forgiveness, Loki continues:

"You see, for the longest time, everything I heard and witnessed was not meant for my eyes or ears – or at least not for my comprehension – and so everything I thought, everything I felt, I was free to be honest with myself because I was free of all expectations and predispositions."

Smiling slightly, this time with remembered fondness rather than some variant of bitterness, Loki continues, thinking of all those times he'd found himself content to just watch the mortal creating, voice soft with remembered grief as he cannot help but also remember the misery of watching Tony slowly slipping towards death and not being able to save him:

"The person who took me in, despite being mortal, was more than worthy of my respect – there was strength and grace in him even when he was fighting battles he couldn't ever hope to win - and once that had been established, I realized that we had much in common."

Taking a breath, Loki finishes with a sad smile, turning to his brother:

"But the differences between us were even more significant, because where I chose to destroy, he chose to create. Where I let misunderstandings turn every sentiment within me to hate, he held the emotional connections of his life far above the poison of bitterness, even when I could see no reason for that choice, and in time, I started to understand where I had judged too quickly, too harshly, and not realized the value of what I had until I had already tried to destroy it."

Loki falls silent, remembering that perhaps the greatest gift Tony had given him was the one he had least expected; Acceptance when he'd learned of Loki's true identity, and his unshaken faith in Loki even knowing what he had done. But that is too deep for the moment, the nostalgia too raw – and he doesn't want his brother to blame himself for their falling apart any more than he already does.

It is Thor that breaks the silence, voice like a distant rumble of Thunder but no less gentle:

"You miss him."

Loki's reply is perfectly level, painfully honest, and short so it finishes before the ache which has been haunting him can make space for itself in his voice:

"Yes"

Once again it is his brother who pulls him from his thoughts, not with words this time but with a reassuring pressure upon his shoulder, followed by words Loki honestly hadn't expected: "Take the time, Brother. Go to him."

Loki almost asks why – uncharacteristically finding his silver tongue turned to lead by surprise, because however much he has learned to accept himself, Thor deserves this more – but his brother smiles, pulling away his hand as he stands and looks at Loki expectantly, so instead of speaking, Loki smiles, accepting the gift for what it is, and closes his eyes, once more melting into the shifting fabric of space.

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